Inside Out Thoughts

1: Confidence

Sometimes I wish I was stronger. More confident, you know? Like I wish I could stand up for my friends better. I wish I could be a better "alpha" as they put it. I joke around a lot saying "I'm not a good alpha" but I know its true. I try my best to stand up for them but sometimes I'm too scared myself or I just think of a witty comeback too late.

I have very bad anxiety about confrontation(fun fact). I think its so awkward and unhelpful. I hate talking about problems face to face(only with my mom really). I have so many scenarios playing through my head where I finally have enough courage to stand up to my ex. He continuously bothers me and my friends. He's a complete jackass(sorry for the language I have a lot of feelings towards that boy) I wish I never dated him. Things would be so much better. Maybe I wouldn't be so self conscious.

Today was one of those times. We were in a class with a teacher who has trouble hearing so she often asks us to repeat what we said louder. I answered one of her questions about what are some downsides to our generation using texting instead of call or speaking face to face. I answered with "the conversations are not heart to heart." She of course asks me to repeat since I talk very softly at times(most of my friends do too) and before I can repeat I hear snickers coming from my ex and his best friend. My heart quickened and I felt my face turn red. I started to shake and I felt tears at my eyes. I tried repeating but my voice got stuck I merely shook my head and mumbled under my breath "nevermind." Shes sweet and tried to understand(still mishearing what I said but it was a kind gesture) But I mentally cursed at myself for letting them get to me. Usually Im fine and I keep my head high but this time I dont know I guess they just got the better of me.

I've been through some pretty rough and personal stuff at the end of last year and it really wore me down. Like losing one of my best friends. My grandma. She was so sweet and funny. She lived far away but I always treasured out talks over the phone. She was an amazing woman who always brought a smile to my face. She was pretty much the only grandparent I actually had good memories with since all my other grandparents were sick by the time I was born. She always taught me and my siblings to be confident and have pride with our name but without her reminding me I'm losing that quality. I miss her so much and I wish for just one more conversation with her. I know if I told her about my ex she would straight up tell me to kick him in his sweet jewels. She was so sassy and confident; I wish I could have seen her more.

Anyways I'm probably gonna write another one of these tonight cause it helped a lot. I love you all💜