Inside Out Thoughts

5: Afraid

You see I'm what some people call an empath. So is my mom. So is my older sister. I'm not completely sure what that means.  I do know it means I'm more in tune with nature than most people. Some people don't believe in that and I'm totally open to others beliefs. This is what I believe.

I'm also very fragile. I break easily. I cry VERY easily. Some people see crying as a weakness. But I believe its because that person has been strong for so long. I'm afraid of so many things. I won't think about them for a long time. Then out of now where. BAM! I'll break. I'll start crying. Drowning in my thoughts. Tonight was one of those nights.

I'm taking an advanced math class this year even though I'm the WORST at math. I didnt get to choose. I was automatically put into this class because my GPA was over 95 or some bullshit. I was watching one of the lessons and I kept getting distracted and had to rewind it. I know what the question is and why its possible. I just don't understand HOW to do it. I slowly started to cry. When I get frustrated. Stressed. Angry. Annoyed. Doesn't really matter. I cry. I put my pencil down and sat there. The reason why I was crying quickly went from one thing to another. From the events in October. To my ex. To random things that are irrelevant at the moment. I really just wantef a hug from my mom. I went down to her office and without a word just hugged her. She asked me what was wrong I just hugged her tighter. There wad too much for me too explain. I then realized hiw much I rely on my mom. For comfort. Support. Advice. And one day she won't be there anymore. The realization hit me more than anything. I hugged her even tighter realizing that one day I would have to say goodbye to my best friend. I love my mom more than my dad. I KNOW. Thats horrible to say but its the truth. Me and my mom just have this connection. Dont get me wrong I love my dad so much too and I realized I would have to say goodbye to him too.   I took a shower to just allow me to think and be alone for a while(ayeee didn't even mean to do that).

I stood up to my ex today. Kinda. He was making jokes about depression and chemo therapy. I swear that boy has actual problems. But it just made me so mad. I have lost so many relatives to cancer. They had to go through chemo therapy. I've seen what it does to people. Its not funny in the slightest bit. I know people who have actual depression. Again its not funny. But then again my ex is fed with a silver spoon. He doesnt understand the real world. He thinks he can get through life with putting the minimum amount of effort. He has literally no sympathy AT ALL for ANYONE. Anyways getting off topic. So these "jokes" made me upset. I looked at him and said quite loudly so the teacher would hear. "That's. Not. Funny. Thats a serious thing people have to go through every day." He looked at me with that IDIOTIC EXPRESSION. ITS AHHHH. *sigh* again getting off topic. He mumbled under his breath. "Its a vine." I glared at him. "I don't care if its a vine. Its. Not. Funny." Even though I spoke up to him and seemed confident. I wasn't. My heart was beating out of my chest anf my hands were shaking. I was completely terrifed. What are you doing? Was all I was screaming in my head. The teacher finally caught on to what was happening and I told him what he was saying he said to both of us "This stops now." I shyly nod my head and pulled out my text books. I look over to my ex one more time to seem him "whispering" to his friend. "She's never done anything. And I don't really care so I'm gonna keep making those jokes." I wanted to march over to him and punch him in the throat. I would've but I would probably be suspended. That wouldn't be very good. But one day I will break and I will hit him. One day I won't be afraid anymore. I know my parents wouldn't care. They would be proud of me for standing up to him. He's sent me the most vulgar messages. When I first reacived them I showed my mom and took screenshots. I acted like they didnt bother me. But they did. They still hurt me to this day.

I love you all and thank you for all the support you've guys left on these chapters. They honestly make my day. Also little announcement. I'm writing the next chapters for alone for a while. I know it feels like forever since I updated that but the next chapter should be out soon.💜