Inside Out Thoughts

leaving

I just had a realization of how close graduation is. How close it is until I have to leave my friends. I've been sitting here crying for the past 10 minutes. My friends right now are literally my world. I love them with everything I have and I wont get to see them that much in a few months.

I want to think that nothing will change and we'll still be close but I just have this gut feeling its not gonna be like that.

The school where I'm going; none of my friends are going there. I'm gonna be alone. Again. I've already gone through this before. I had to leave all my friends behind and go to a totally new school, where I knew no one. It was absolutely terrifying. I hated it so much. I have such bad anxiety now I feel like I'm just going to break the first day. I've learned how to hide my anxiety but it doesnt mean its not there.

Just the feeling of being in a totally new environment with no one you know. Its horrible. I felt completely helpless.

My mom just came into my room and asked what happened. I told her I was just thinking about graduation and she was like yeah thats life and that at least we have social media and everyone will still be in our city and we'll still vs able to see eachother. And she was like you'll make new friends. I just kinda stayed silwnt but this is what I wanted to say.

Well its still hard. Its still hard leaving your closest friends and going somewhere you have no one. That doesnt mean we will see eachother. We'll all move on and have other things to do. AND I DONT WANT NEW FRIENDS. I WANT MINE. THE ONES I LOVE WITH LITERALLY EVERYTHING I HAVE.

The people who make me smile and let me escape all my crushing thoughts.

The people who I see as my family.

The people I would actually die for.

I love them so much. I cant explain it.

Heh. And now I just snapchatted my best friend and she asked what I was doing. I told her writing and she was like oh can't wait to read it. But I know this will probably make her sad too. And I hate that. I hate knowing that she has to go through the same shit I do. She's literally amazing. Ive already written so much about her so I wont get into it again because this chapter would literally be 1000 words long.

My other friend whose gonna read this will probably get sad too. I havent written much about her but she still means as much to me as my best friend does. She's fucking hilarious. She's so sassy and doesnt give a shit and I love it. She's been through some pretty rough stuff recently too and she deserves so much better and to be happy.

Just thinking about those two make me smile.

And I'm sorry I just reminded you guys about all that stuff about graduating but I just really needed to write.

I love you guys. So much and I wish I could express those words better but its impossible. I literally can't think of any other way to express how much you guys mean to me.