Inside Out Thoughts

3: Friends

My friends mean everything to me. They are what make me happy. They are the people I can count on most. They are always there to cheer me up and give me advice. I dont see them as friends I see them as another family. I love them all even if we don't have the strongest bond I still would do anything for them. Even my ex. Funny huh? He treats me like absolute shit yet I still would do anything to be friends again.

It hurts me so much when I find out a friend is upset or hurt or going through bad times. Even the end of last year when it seemed nothing was going to get better I did my best to smile and help my friends through their times when I myself was going through the unimaginable. But I didn't realize how my friends also keep feelings inside so they dont hurt me. Sometimes I think I'm not worthy enough to have such great friends. I really wish I could help them better but I dont know how to help myself.

They are all so amazing, talented, and unique. I wish they would realize that. But I know at our stages in our life its hard to realize that. We always focus on the negatives instead of the positives. I to am guilty of that. Every little thing pangs in my head over and over again. I think 24/7 if I could've done something better.

I feel like one day I'm going to snap and fall apart. I'm not going to be able to be there for my friends. I'm going to let my grades slip and my parents will become disappointed. I'm the "golden child" in my family. I hate it. I feel so pressured to do good in school. To always be emotionally, physically, and mentally stable. But I'm not. I struggle in school and sometimes I don't even know how I keep my grades up.

Or I'm scared one day all my friends will just forget me. I'll be alone and no one will care. Everyone will go off and be happy with their own lives while I'm left behind without anyone to remember. The other day there was a SPCA thing at my school. We were going to go down to see cats and dogs for a while. We had to put chairs away first and I got stuck stacking them in one of the carts. Our science teacher called out for my grade to go to the thing. But I was across the gym and still stacking chairs so I didnt hear. All my friends went and left me behind with my ex and his two best friends. It was incredibly awkward. I was all alone. Just like I feared. When they came back up they were all smiling and laughing. They asked why I didnt go anf I blew up at them. I was so mad that they just left me like that. Just like that I was totally forgotten. It made me so scared that that can happen. Within seconds no one remembered or cared I wasn't with them.

Is that selfish. I feel like that sounds like I'm full of myself. But I don't mean too. I just don't want to be alone. I never want to be alone. I always want to talk to somebody. I can't not be doing something. I wish I could get over this bump in my life. Even though the things from last year are over I still feel them haunting me. Just out of no where I will remember that god awful week in october. The worst week in my life. But one thing about those times was I didn't feel alone. Everyday I had to go to school my friends were always there ready to greet me with smiles on their faces. They made those times much easier on me. It pains me to know next year I wont have most of them with me. We'll all go to different schools. I'll only have maybe 2 out if my 5 person friend group. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but I'm still going to miss them so much. Again I see them as family more. Knowing I wont be able to walk onto school to their smiles scares me to death. I feel once we leave I will slip from their minds. And I'll be forgotten. Friends mean so much to me and I will never forget them.

Sorry if these are all over the place I have a lot of thoughts just flowing through my mind constantly. And its hard to keep them in order.