Inside Out Thoughts

8:53-9:06

I'm legit going to bed right after I post this. And no it's not late for me I usually dont go to bed until 10 at least and I'm good in the morning.

Today has just been exhausting. I dont know why.

I hate myself.

I'm falling back into that state I was in after the fire. Just I'm hypersensitive to everything I'm doing.

Every fake smile.

Every 'I'm fine'.

Every excuse.

It just piles on top of eachother in my head weighing me done throughout the day.

I'm not okay. I truly hate myself. I wish I could be a better person. I try. I really do. But I just eventually fall back into the old habits.

I push people away. I dont let myself feel happy. I hide myself.

I hate my body. I wish I took better care of myself. But I dont and again it's just another of my many bad habits.

I miss my sister and brother.

I miss being able to go outside and just enjoy the sun.

I miss my old friends.

I miss them so much. Like I made friends in my new school just fine but it's not the same as the old ones. I've been lucky enough to keep in contact with them.

Especially one of them recently I've been talking to almost every day. And I know shes going to read this. God I miss her. I keep finding myself at school thinking of something and trying to turn to her to tell her. But shes not there. And it just breaks my heart a little more each time. I know I can text her in between periods but it's not the same.

I've been having attacks again. I'm not sure what to classify them as but my "panic attacks" I guess from the fire again. It's been quite a while since I've had them. And it's not just the fire anymore it's just everything will just hit me at once. And I cant breathe again. I wish I still had her at school because I know she would understand. She always did and does. I feel like nobody in my old school really understands. Like even the friends I still have from my old school. J just doesnt understand and would call me a cry baby. And M barely can handle herself and her own issues.

And even thought she has been through a lot and is going through a lot I've found myself feeling more comfortable confiding in her more than anyone.

I just feel so helpless.

I'm not myself and I'm not sure I ever have been.

I dont 'hate' a lot of things but I do hate myself.