Inside Out Thoughts

frustrated

I'm so frustrated with everything right now.

I feel like my best friend doesnt even really care about me. She just kind of uses me for comfort in school because she's not really close to any of the other girls. I have posted about her on instgram time and time again expressing my love for her and she has never done one for me. And then yesterday she posted one for her ibf. I just feel like she doesnt appreciate our friendship. I've done so much for her. I've drawn her stuff thats taken me hours. Made her edits. Watched TV shows and movies I dont really care for just to make her smile. And she has done nothing for me. The most she's done is made me a christmas present that literally probably took her 10 minutes. She asked me the other day to draw her something from a show she likes for her birthday. I straight up said no. And she was like why. I wanted to say how I really felt aka what I just wrote but instead I just said I don't draw stuff I'm forced too or I dont want to draw. She kinda just dropped it and it was fine. I also feel like she just finds great amusement in annoying me. She says a few words weird; like owl and water; I pointed them out and the girls in my class got into a huge,mostly joking, argument. We even dragged one of our teachers into it. It was funny and then we went to recess. We all just enjoyed ourselves and dropped the whole situation. But she kept on saying owl. And it started to get on my nerves. I kept on saying stop and drop it but she kept on saying it. I eventually just blew up at her and screamed stop. She finally did and went quite.

Even before we were really close I was always there to comfort her. The only thing I can really think of is she lets me vent to her. A couple of times when I was in a really dark head space I snapchatted her and she let me rant and potentially saved me from doing something to myself. Yeah I'm grateful for that but I've been doing that for her for years and I've only went to her a couple of times.

When I started watching Aphmau I was in again a really dark head space. But fictional characters just distract me from my problems. Aphmau videos give me something to look foward too. She(my best friend) made fun of it. And I asked her multiple times to just give it a chance like I do with her shows and she gets so mad at me. She acts like I'm asking for her to give me a million dollars. It frustrates me so much.

My grades are also not the greatest. I usually have all 90s and above but right now I have 3 grades that are in the 80s. My mom said that they were good but to me they're not. I hate having grades below 90. Even though my parents say its fine I just feel their dissapointment. I'm really stressed now and I don't want to go to school at all. Ive been going to school since I was 2 years old. I just want to be done already.

Also I'm in the advance classes at school. We always focus on work and never really get treated or fun, relaxed days in class because we're trying to get ready to take reagents. But then my friends from the less advance class will come running up to me and tell me that they got to go into the lab and play ping pong for half of the class. I feel like being in the advance class is a punishment. We never get to do anything fun and are always pressured with homework and tests. I hate it. I hate it so much. Ive always been pressured by my parenrs to get straight As and nothing less. I've always been mature for my age so my parents think I'm not stressed but I am. I come home from school sometimes so mentally drained. I just go to my room and cry. When I dont understand a subject I get so frustrated and I sob. I feel like I missed out on my childhood because I was so focused and stressed abput my grades. I'm just a kid. I shouldn't be put under this much pressure.

I hate it.

Yesterday I went to where I go on vacation, for the day. I got to hang out with some of my childhood friends who I dont get to see that often. I was genuinely happy and smiling yesterday. I had the greatest time. I felt all my stress melt away and I felt like a normal kid my age. We ran around and just enjoyed eachothers company. Since my mom has been giving me more freedom there I was even able to run around with my friends after dark. We ran around and played in the snow with absolutely no worries in the world. I started talking to one of my friends who lives really close to the place. We started talking about where we see ourselves in the future. I told her I really wanted to move closer to the vacation place. Like close enough to where I could go there every day. Later I talked to my mom about and she said she was thinking the same thing. We only moved 6 years ago so it wouldn't be any time soon though. But last night I made it my life goal to move so close to the vacation place to the point I can go there everyday.