Inside Out Thoughts

what I wish I could say

To my former best friend: Fuck. You. You always make me feel like shit. Like I'm nobody. I know you don't give two shots about me. I know you just hang out with me because you have no one else at school. I know you care about J who lives across the country more than me. Recently it just seems you're trying to be better than me. You always tell me Oh you should do this with your hair or that. Then the next day I hear you saying to someone else you think its the most hideous thing. I used to see you as a sister now I just see you as someone I used to know. J changed you so much. And now you say immediately when you turn 18 your moving where J is and leaving me behind. I don't want you to go to the same school as me next year. Go somewhere else. You dont have to go there for me anymore. Because I'm not missing out on friendships because of you anymore. Whatever. You make me feel like shit. I dont want to be around you any more. Doesn't mean I don't still love you. I do. But I dont want to feel like this anymore.

To the pack: Thank you. I love you guys so fucking much. You are my best friends. I will forever and always love and trust you guys. Whenever I'm with you guys I'm the happiest I can be. I'm so grateful for you guys. And I don't care where we end up next year. I will always love you guys and I will always be here for all of you. I just want the best for you guys. I hate. Hate. Seeing you guys hurt or upset. You guys give me hope and a reason to stay strong. You guys are what make me smile in my darkest moments.

To ...: I'm not exactly sure how I feel about you. If I like you as a friend or more. I don't know. But what I do know is that I want you in my life. I wish I knew more about you, what's going on in your life. What's going on in your head. What you think. What you feel.

...

I might have pneumonia again. 4 days before my birthday. 5 days before my school play.

👍 great.