Inside Out Thoughts

random rant about everything

i can NOT wait to move out of my parents house. recently i've educated myself on all the stuff going on in the world and realized how wrong my parents views are. they both support "the president" and i dont at all. he's hurting every minority out there. he's effecting mine and so many others lives and futures. i would like to adopt in the future but if i have a wife it could possibly be harder or impossible for us. it'll deprive my parents of their so wanted grandkids. they don't understand how hurtful he is. i feel more comfortable talking to my mom about these issues and she knows i don't like him and has refrained from talking about it around me. my dad on the other hand. that's a whole different deal. we are both very hot headed and stubborn people so i'm afraid if i say something we'll get into an argument. at least now if that happens i can grab my mom and i can go for a drive to get away from him. i want to talk to my mom about our different views especially the president but i'm scared to fight with her. as much as her views disgust me she's still my mom and i'm still really close with her. i've never been close to my dad. i see my sister as more of a parental figure than him. she knows the most about me. i go to her with everything. she's the first to know anything. i even told some of my close friends shit that i haven't even told my parents. my dad just hurts me (just clarifying: not abusive) and we don't get along. istg he's bipolar he used to scream at me and my siblings and me being the youngest i wouldn't understand what was going on and i would cry. it's become my biggest comfort. i love crying. it's weird i know but it's so comforting and the best way i know to let out my emotions. but my dad would just scream at me more when i cried in front of him. he would call me a crybaby and make it sound like a bad thing. like i am very paranoid and i have bad anxiety. those two don't mix very well. so a lot of the time when i'm home alone i'm on edge because what if something happens like an intruder or a fire or whatever. so a little while ago i was home alone and i had convinced myself their was an intruder in my house because my dogs were making weird sounds and stuff like that. it's not an uncommon occurrence but usually i'll grab my phone and slowly walk around my house to prove to myself no ones there. but this time i couldn't even bring myself to open my bedroom door. i had a full breakdown. i was sobbing and shaking and ended up calling my mom. i explained it to her and she reassured me she would be home soon and just to hang tight. after i called one of my best friends to distract myself. by the time my parents got home i was pretty much calmed down but i was still a little shaken up. my dad came into my room to see how i was doing and when i tried explaining what happened i started to get emotional again. he told me to calm down and to stop crying. a few minutes later he left and my mom came in. i started to get emotional again and she immediately sat down and told me to let it out and comforted me. the difference was astounding to me. it's because of him i don't like crying in front of people (about serious things) and why i get upset when people mention me crying over everything. like yes i cry over everything i know that obviously. i'm a very emotional person it's just how i am. so whenever one of my friends jokes or just comments on how much i cry i just hear my dads voice in the back of my head calling me a crybaby. it makes me feel worse and i hate that it effects me so much. i know my friends mean no harm but it hurts most of the time. also when people bash on shera. i'm not saying you need to like or even watch it but don't shit on it. at least in front of me. that show has saved my life and has helped me through so much shit. i know that sounds ridiculous but it has. so it really hurts when you shit on it for no reason. back to my dad. i'm an empath. i'm more in-tune with peoples energies. and i've realized i can not stand my dads. it's so negative and i feel like i'm drowning anytime i'm around him. i am such an affectionate person. i love hugs and cuddles and kisses and hand holding like yes GIVE IT TO ME NOW. but whenever my dad even just stands too close to me i can't stand it. again it feels like i'm drowning. i'll stiffen up and panic if i think he's getting too close. this was kind of all over the place but i just needed to get some things off my chest.