Hope and Faith

TWENTY-THREE: FAITH

Faith had gotten used to church camp. That didn't mean that she enjoyed it, but she had gotten used to it. But perhaps it wasn't the camp itself that she had adjusted so contently to.

Her mother wasn't complaining, which was a good sign. Mike was busy each day with work and Faith felt that she hardly saw him anymore. Despite what you may think, she was happy for her brother. She always had her doubts in him, believing that he'd never figure out what he wanted to do with his life; that he'd simply live at home forever, sponging off their parents. But here he was, going out into the world, making an income, doing something with his life.

Perhaps Faith's opinions towards her brother were a subconscious projection of her own self-consciousness and unease about the future. After that conversation she had with Hope two weeks prior, Faith felt even more lost and confused than she was before. Hope was so... hopeful. She had dreams and aspirations, and was ready to navigate her way through life. Faith, on the other hand, was lost. And she didn't know if she'd ever find herself. That was what worried her the most.

They had been living in Meadow for nearly a month now and if Faith had learned one thing, it was this: nothing is ever as it seems. The second thing was to not be so close-minded. Because even when you have your mind set on something, everything could change.

Claudia was forcing Faith to go see her father this weekend. She protested at first, said she'd rather peel her own skin off. But after thinking it through, she decided that she didn't want to fight with her mother. And if going to see her dad was what it took to get her off her back, then so be it. Besides, she'd have to face the music sometime. It was inevitable. She couldn't hide from him forever. She only wished that it hadn't had to come to this so soon.

At least Mike would be accompanying her. Claudia gave them permission to take her car – Mike would drive, she made that clear – so that they wouldn't have to worry about bus and train schedules. It would be a two and a half hour drive to Toronto, but knowing Mike's driving, it would more likely be two.

Faith went to Hope's place Friday after camp. Joana was knitting a blanket and needed supplies from the local shop. Hope happily volunteered – as always – so Faith accompanied her on her little shopping endeavour. Once they were back, the two of them helped Joana for a bit, then slowly migrated to Hope's room.

Faith always enjoyed being at Hope's house. It was so cozy and delicate. Had such a familial feel to it, something Faith felt that her own home lacked. The windows were open and they could hear the birds chirping. Hope sat in her beanbag chair and Faith lay on her back on Hope's bed.

Hope had done a phenomenal job at decorating her bedroom, Faith thought. Normally she didn't pay attention to those sorts of things, but it was one of the main reasons why Faith enjoyed being at Hope's place so much. Everything was so... nice.

"When will you be back?" Hope asked, flipping to a new page in her journal.
"Probably Sunday night."
Hope nodded, writing something down. "How did your brother find it the last time he went?"
"He said it wasn't bad. Apparently dad has a nice place right in the heart of downtown," Faith explained. "Personally, I hate the city. But I guess it will be a change of scenery."
"It will be good for you," Hope said, eyes focused on the page.
Faith sat up on her elbows and looked at her. "What are you writing?"
"Nothing."
"It has to be something."
"I'm just jotting things down. Making lists."
Faith looked around the room, then flopped back on the bed. "I wonder what he'll expect us to do."
"What do you usually do with him?"
"Nothing. We don't spend time together."
Hope looked up, then, and met her eyes. "Well maybe now is your chance."
"Save me the agony."
"You're still mad at him?"
"I'll always be mad at him."
"It's not his fault, you know."
"What's not?"
"The divorce."
"Oh, I know that," Faith said. "It's both of their faults."
"Then how come you're not as angry at your mom?"
"It's not that simple," Faith explained. "I am still angry at her. I'll always be angry at her. But I live with her. I've just gotten used to her, I guess. I can't just not talk to her ever."
"But because you don't see your dad..."
"It's easier. Yeah."
"Doesn't it ever feel suffocating, holding onto all that anger?"
"That's a loaded question."
"You should try to forgive them, Faith."
"How would you feel if your parents got divorced?"
"They wouldn't do that."
"But what if they did?" Faith persisted. "Think about how that would make you feel."
Hope was quiet for a moment. Then she said, "You're not the only one who's had bad things happen to them, Faith. You need to move on. Forgiveness is the key to finding your happiness again."
"Who said my happiness was lost?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"No," Faith said. "Now shut up, you sound like a fortune cookie."
"I'm just trying to help."
"Yeah, well, you're doing a pretty shit job."