Hope and Faith

THIRTY-NINE: FAITH

Faith was sitting in her bedroom waiting for Sebastian to arrive. She felt like she hadn't seen him in ages, when in reality, it had only been a week. She felt bad after cancelling on him last minute on Saturday, so when she found out that he had Monday off work, she invited him up.

She fiddled with her pencil, sketching lines onto the blank page. It had been almost two weeks since she last smoked or drank. It felt almost purifying.

Faith could never quite determine the exact origin behind her perpetual desire for intoxication. But suddenly it became clear to her: she was always searching for more. Whether it be a person or a feeling, Faith was never satisfied with life. Even while dating Sebastian, Faith indulged in these vices, a method of escape. But it wasn't until that moment, sitting alone in her bedroom, that Faith realized something had changed. She hadn't felt the need to get high or drunk and lose herself because she had somehow found herself in someone else. And that person was Hope.

The old Faith would have made barfing sounds at that notion alone. She was turning into a giant cheesy cliché. But she couldn't deny that it was true. Perhaps for the first time in a long time, Faith felt truly content with her life. Happy, even. Was that so crazy to believe?

"I missed you," was the first thing that Sebastian said upon entering her room. He wrapped his arms around her waist and they fell backwards onto her bed.
"I missed you too," she said, then kissed him. But even as she was kissing Sebastian, her mind was elsewhere.

Afterwards, they stayed in bed, catching up on each other's lives. Sebastian told her how his summer had been thus far, what he had been doing to fill his days, what his family was up to. He continuously added how terrible life was back in Georgetown since she had left, and how the days seemed to pass by slower than before. Faith shared about her life as well, telling him about attending church camp, leaving church camp, and the mother-daughter dance.

"Things are good between us right now," Faith told him. "I think."
"That's good. That's progress. Maybe things will turn out to be okay here after all."
"Maybe."
"And what about your dad? You talk to him lately?"
"Not really. I don't know, I might go see him again in a few weeks or something. I mean, it's not on my list of priorities. But I didn't have a terrible time last time."
"We should get a puppy," Sebastian said suddenly.
Faith looked at him. "What? Why?"
"Why not? Puppies are great. And we could share custody. Give me an excuse to come and see you more."
Faith hesitated. "You really think that's a good idea?"
"Yes."
"Well, I'd have to ask my mom. I don't know if she wants another dog again."
"It's been nearly two years," Sebastian said, and even though Faith knew he was talking about their dog, Sadie, she couldn't help but feel as though the statement was directed towards Grace.
Faith pulled away from him. "It doesn't matter how long it's been. You never truly get over a loss."
"I didn't mean it like that –" he reached for her and she let him. "I'm sorry." He stared at her intently, but she wouldn't meet his eyes.
"It's fine," she said. "I'm sure I'll get over it."
They sat there in the silence for a while, listening to the sound of each other breathing.
"You know what's weird?" Faith said suddenly.
Sebastian looked at her.
"You'll never know what it's like to have period cramps," she said.
"Yeah, no shit."
"It's just weird. The biological differences between men and women. What's the most painful thing for a guy? Being kicked in the balls? Or having your heart broken?"
"Definitely being kicked in the balls."
"Duly noted."
"What about for girls," Sebastian said. "What's worse: period cramps, or having your heart broken."
"Having your heart broken," Faith said without hesitation. "Because at least with period cramps, you know the pain will end."

______

It was six-thirty and they were sitting in the kitchen eating dinner. Sebastian had offered to take her out, but Faith preferred to just stay in. It was her first official day of "freedom" since she was no longer enrolled in church camp, yet still, she didn't quite feel free as of yet. She had the entire day to do whatever she pleased, and for some reason, she didn't even leave the house. Perhaps she would be more productive tomorrow.

She wanted to enjoy her summer and her new-found freedom, but the idea of vast boredom consumed her and she worried that she wouldn't have anything to do. She began having second thoughts. What if leaving church camp was the wrong decision? What if she'd spend every day until school started bored out of her mind, unsure of what to do?

She exhaled and brought her fingers to her forehead. She shouldn't be thinking this way. It was summer. She was sixteen years old. She needed to be enjoying the simple nothingness of it all, because soon enough, school would take over, and then after that, the real world. And then she'd never have a break again.

"Do you want dessert?" Sebastian asked as he collected their plates and brought them to the sink. "I can make something if you want?"
"What did you have in mind?"
Sebastian placed the dishes in the sink and turned on the tap. "We could bake a cake. Or brownies."
"Only if they're pot brownies."
Sebastian smirked. "We could make that happen."
Just then, Claudia entered the kitchen and Faith sat up in her chair, somewhat afraid that her mother had overheard their conversation.
"Hi, sweetheart." She was dressed nicely, and Faith noticed the look of apprehension on her face. She was smoothing down her shirt, fiddling with her collar. Something was up.
"Where you going?" Faith asked, deadpan.
Sebastian turned off the tap.
Claudia looked at her daughter, bit her bottom lip slightly. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about," she walked forward hesitantly, then pulled out the chair and sat down across from Faith.
"Oh dear God, what is it now? Another divorce? Is Mike leaving now too?"
"I'm seeing someone," Claudia said the words quick and smooth, as if getting them out of the way first would somehow minimize the damage.
Faith stared at her mother, gaping. "What?"
"I'm sorry, Faith. I should have told you sooner. But it wasn't serious. Just a few dates. It still isn't serious. But I just thought you should know. I wanted to tell you." She forced a small smile.
Faith was quiet for a long time. She stared at her mother. Sebastian and Claudia stared at Faith, waiting. Waiting for... what exactly? Acceptance? Or for the bomb to go off?
"What the fuck?" Faith finally said. She pushed out her chair and stood. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you? You think this is okay? You think you can just come in here all sweet and smiling, telling me something like this? And actually expect me to be okay with it!?"
Claudia's eyes widened. Her lips parted to say something, but nothing came out.
"Well, it's not!" Faith continued. "It's not okay. It will never fucking be okay!" She stormed out of the kitchen before she could say anything far, far worse.