Hope and Faith

SEVENTY-TWO: HOPE

She sat in the empty white room, nothing around her but walls. She wasn't even permitted to have a roommate, because healing was all about solitude.

On that first day, they went over a lot of information with Hope. Orientation day, they called it. They gave her a tour of the facility: a fairly nice, renovated building with four floors and five acres of property. The trip to Caledon was long and nerve-wracking. When they finally arrived, she felt as though she was in the middle of nowhere. An old mansion turned into a hospital-like facility. Hope couldn't help but feel apprehensive as they took her inside and showed her around the place.

There were other people there, both youths and adults. Some were voluntary patients, others, like Hope, were not. Forced against their will by either parents or caregivers, they did not have a choice in this treatment. But there was nothing to treat, Hope thought. There's nothing wrong with me.

There was a bible in every room. Normally this sort of talisman would make Hope feel safe and at home. But here, in this foreign facility, it felt like a threat.

The nurses seemed nice enough, but even Hope knew that their politeness came with a cost. They all had the same goal in mind, and that was to rid Hope of these deviant sexual thoughts. To convert her from her sinful homosexual ways, and make her straight again. As if it could ever be so simple.

Her first session was group therapy. There, each individual went around the room and stated their name and what they were there for. It was the same for everyone. And for the first time in her life, Hope looked at these people and didn't see them for their sexuality. Didn't see them for their sins or for what God would think of them. She saw them as people. As individuals who were just trying to live their lives, but unfortunately had some interference.

At dinner, she kept to herself. She noticed groups of people congregating at specific tables and it reminded her of the high school dynamic. But this wasn't high school. It was far from it. And Hope didn't want to have any part of it. She would keep her head down, eyes straight ahead, and avoid any other human contact.

On the second day was when things became more serious. Hope began her day in Morning Prayer with the rest of the group. But shortly after lunch was when things changed for the worse. She was taken into an isolated room with a single chair for her to sit on. A man in a white lab coat spoke to her and asked her many, many questions that she felt uncomfortable answering.

"When did you first begin having these feelings?"
"How prominent would you say these feelings are?"
"Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone of the opposite sex?"
"Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone of the same sex?"
"How often do you find yourself thinking about someone of the same sex?"
"Do you believe that you can remedy these feelings of deviancy and immorality?"

Once the session with the doctor was over, Hope was taken to another vacant room, but this one was dark, all of the lights dimmed low. There was a single television screen at the front of the room, and a chair for Hope to sit. At first, it looked almost inviting. But soon enough, Hope would realize that this was something out of a nightmare.

The nurses ushered her forwards, and as soon as she was seated, strapped her arms and legs to the chair. Hope tried to scream and fight, but it was no use – they overpowered her. They tilted her head backwards and secured it with a strap across her forehead. They pried her eyelids apart and held them open with tape.

Eventually, she learned to remain still and silent. It hurt less that way. And so she kept her eyes wide open and watched as the images played out on the screen in front of her.