Hope and Faith

FORTY-ONE: FAITH

So far her grand plans for the remainder of the summer hadn't progressed. Faith had spent the day inside, sulking, only leaving the house once to see Hope. Her mother had knocked on her bedroom door that morning, politely asking to speak with her, but she refused.

Faith didn't even want to give her mother the time of day to explain herself. She was furious and she justified her fury by, of course, making everything about her. How this would affect their family, their relationship. Hope's words crossed her mind. She deserves to find happiness again. Faith almost agreed, but then she thought about her mother moving on from her father, replacing them, being selfish, and she was just as angry as she was before.

She didn't need to talk to her mother. Didn't want to. Nothing her mother could say would fix this or change things. Just when Faith thought things were taking a turn for the better between the two of them, she had to go and do this, instantly ruining all the progress they had made.

Faith tried to keep busy and occupy her time. She drew in her sketchbook, then threw it at the wall. She couldn't even take photos because she didn't have any film left. She made a mental note to ask Mike to get her some this week.

She paced her room back and forth, feeling the budding boredom that was becoming her life. She was angry and agitated. Everything was bothering her. She often got in these moods where everything had the ability to piss her off. She was used to it by now. She just wished that there was something – anything – she could do to take her mind off things.

She looked to her closet and debated getting out her bong. Two quick hits and this could all be solved, she thought. But something inside of her overpowered that desire and she decided against it. She let out a loud cry of anguish before falling backwards onto her bed.

How did people do this? How did people survive not going to school or work? How did average people fill their time? Well, they went out, made friends, talked to people. It wasn't that difficult, was it? She had done it once before. Beginning of summer with Carson and Jake. And she had become friends with Hope, after all. Three friends in one month: that was progress.

She decided to go for a walk. Perhaps she could clear her head, think everything through thoroughly. Who needed marijuana or alcohol to feel better? Faith was turning over a new leaf. Fresh air and cold water was all she needed.

She sat on the docks with her feet dangling in the water. There was something so calming about being near the lake. She felt as though she could stare out into the vast greatness of it all and get lost forever. How the water reflected the blue sky. How it rippled with the wind, washing into the shore.

She heard the sound of children laughing and turned around, only to see a group of kids running near the water, throwing sand at each other. It made her think about her own childhood, how simple everything used to be. When you're a kid, you don't think about the future. You don't think about the consequences. Sure, you think about what you're going to be when you're older (a fireman, an astronaut, a doctor), but you don't think about it critically. You just envision yourself as an older version and create some happy life around it all. A cool job, a spouse, some children. It's too easy. At that age, you do not possess the capacity to truly understand the workings of the world. To really delve into the human psyche and consider your future self. What makes you happy? What do you consider successful? It was all bullshit, Faith thought. A person is born, they live, then they die. Why make it more complex than it has to be?

Faith remembered back to a time when she was only five or six, and Grace was about nine. She couldn't pinpoint exactly what had happened, but she was upset with her parents. Most likely they told her no or took away a toy of hers. Faith told Grace that she wanted to run away. Of course, being the great big sister that she was, Grace agreed to run away with her. Together, they each packed a small bag of their belongings, snuck out the back door, and headed out into the world.

At the time, it felt like a whole new experience. Feeling her heart beating through her chest, adrenaline pumping through her veins. The thrill of sneaking out and running away was exhilarating. Leaving the boundaries of their backyard, exploring new territory and feeling lost yet free simultaneously. It was all so liberating.

Of course, the feeling only lasted minutes. At the time, it felt as though she and Grace had been gone for hours. In reality, their father came looking for them and found them huddled near a tree, shaking and crying, only thirty minutes after their departure.

It had seemed like a good plan at the time, Faith thought. Running away, escaping from the restraints of her parents. But it wasn't until she got out into the real world that she realized the grave mistake she had made: believing she could make it out there on her own. And by the time she realized this mistake, it was already too late; they didn't know their way home.

Faith couldn't help but feel that her current life was turning out the exact same way.