Hope and Faith

THIRTY-THREE: FAITH

She awoke in a daze, feeling the remnants of the night before. It took a moment for it all to come back to her. Sitting on her bed, the razor in her hand. Pressing it to her skin. Remembering how it felt to feel something.

Then the door to her bedroom had opened, and Faith thought she was dreaming. The angel herself had burst through her door. And before she could think another thought, that angel was kissing her. Everything she had hoped for and dreamed of, and it was really happening.

Now, she turned her head sideways and saw Hope, lying there, eyes closed. She looked so perfect, so peaceful; as though she were the most gentle creature on earth. Faith felt the urge to reach out and touch her porcelain skin, but decided against it. She didn't want to disturb Hope. Didn't want to freak her out more than she already had.

Hope was clearly going through a confusing time. Faith was too, for that matter, but she knew it was even more difficult for Hope because of her family and religious beliefs. Faith didn't know what she could say or do to help her. This was the sort of thing that was drilled so deep into her entire core being that it could not simply be remedied with a sentence or two. Hope was feeling as though her entire world had been tipped upside-down. Everything she once knew – or thought she knew – was wrong. Her life and her future with Matthew, her plan for children... it all needed to be revaluated now.

Faith wasn't certain of her own feelings either. Although, after talking with Hope last night, she was pretty sure she could draw some sort of conclusion. She liked boys and girls. It was that simple. There was nothing wrong with that. According to Faith, that is. But what she had to remember was that sexuality was a big deal to some people. A big deal to Christians.

Faith wondered what her mother would think. She always believed that her parents were accepting of their children regardless of what they did or who they loved. Faith once had a gay friend in her freshman year of high school. Would her parents care that she liked girls? Would they judge her? Banish her? Disown her?

Hope stirred next to her and Faith sat up. She watched intently as Hope's eyelids fluttered, and then eventually opened. Hope looked around the room, taking in her surroundings, then her eyes met Faith's.

"Hi sleepy head," Faith whispered.
"Oh," Hope said, realizing where she was, what had happened. She quickly sat up.
"Are you okay?" Faith asked.
"Mhm," she nodded, bringing her hand to her head. "I'm fine."
"Are you hungry? Thirsty?"
"Just thirsty."
"Okay, we can go get something to drink. Maybe make breakfast or something."
"Your mom is okay with me being here?"
"Of course. She's ecstatic at the idea of me having a friend, so."
"I meant about..." Hope trailed off.
"Well she obviously doesn't know about that. We don't have to say anything, okay?"
Hope nodded.
"Come on, let's go downstairs."
"What time is it?" Hope asked, standing from the bed and stretching her arms.
"Nine-thirty."
"Oh my," Hope turned to Faith. "I slept in!"
Faith laughed. "This is sleeping-in to you? Nine-thirty is way too early for a Saturday."
"Oh, right – it's Saturday."
"Yeah."
"The dance is tonight!"
"Shit."
"What?"
"I told Sebastian I wasn't going. He's coming up here."
"What? Why?"
"Because," Faith said. "You weren't talking to me. I didn't think I was going."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, it's my fault."
Hope was quiet for a moment as she thought. Then she said, "Call him now. Tell him not to come."
"I can't do that!" Faith laughed. "That's mean."
"Well, I don't care what you do," Hope said. "He can wait here then. You're going to that dance."
Faith stared at Hope, waiting to see her laugh and say that she was kidding. But she didn't.
"Fine," Faith said, a smile engulfing her face. "I'll call him when we go downstairs."

They headed into the kitchen and found Claudia sitting at the table, drinking her coffee and flipping through the newspaper.

"Good morning," Claudia greeted them. "How did you sleep?"
"Fine," they said in unison, then looked at each other and laughed.
"Thank you for letting me stay over, Mrs. Everett. I'm so sorry, I was in a bit of a space last night."
"Don't worry about that at all. You can stay over any time you'd like." Claudia folded the newspaper and placed it on the kitchen table. "Would you girls like breakfast? What do you like to eat, Hope?"
"What do you usually make?" Hope asked.
"Hope's vegetarian," Faith interjected. "So no bacon."
"Duly noted," Claudia said. "How about scrambled eggs? Or pancakes?"
"Hope loves pancakes," Faith interrupted again.
Hope laughed.
"You do?" Claudia asked for confirmation.
"Yes, they're my favourite," Hope said.
"Well, then, pancakes it is."

As Claudia busied herself in the kitchen, grabbing ingredients from the cupboards and mixing the batter, Hope and Faith sat out on the back patio, drinking orange juice and enjoying the morning sun.

"Why don't you like coffee again?" Faith asked.
"I don't like relying on addictive stimulants."
Faith gave her an odd look.
"And it just doesn't taste good," Hope said. "It's bitter and gross."
"Well, you're missing out. Coffee is my life. I should get an intravenous tube with coffee to go directly into my veins."
"You're crazy."
"I love it."
Hope took a sip from her glass and gazed out across the yard. "So," she said. "Are we going to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?" Faith replied, staring off into the distance.
"You know."
Faith turned to her. She saw the look on Hope's face and sighed, putting her glass down on the ground beside her. "Okay," she said. "Shoot."
Hope looked out across the yard and thought for a moment. "I don't know what to do."
"About what?"
"Us," she said. "I guess I was right. I really am feeling this way. And it's still going to take a lot for me to accept that. But I can't tell my parents. They would never condone this. They would never forgive me."
Faith stared at her for a long time, not knowing what to say. "We don't have to tell them. We don't have to tell anyone."
"Okay."
"But I do hope you realize that it's a bit fucked up."
"What is?"
"You not being able to tell them. You're their daughter. They should accept you no matter what."
"You don't understand. You don't know what kind of people they are."
"Oh, I have a pretty good idea."
"Not even God will forgive me for this."
Faith bit her tongue and didn't respond to that.
Hope exhaled. "And Matthew can never know. Absolutely not."
"Fair enough," Faith said. "And what is it exactly that he can't know? That you're gay, or that you like me?"
Hope looked at her. "Both."
"Okay," Faith nodded, then smiled. "So you like me."
Hope pursed her lips together, trying not to smile, but eventually she caved. "Yes. And, you like me too?"
"Well obviously."
Hope laughed. "This is so weird."
"I know."
"How did it come to this?"
"I have no idea. And I don't even know what to do about Sebastian."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, this feels wrong. Like I'm cheating on him in some way."
"We're not dating!" Hope said.
"You don't need to be dating someone else to be cheating on someone. And besides, we kissed."
"Once."
"Twice, actually."
Hope didn't respond.
"If I have feelings for someone else, then that's cheating," Faith said. "I don't know if I can do that to him."
"But you love him."
"I do. I love him so much. But if I truly loved him as much as I think I do, I wouldn't have developed feelings for you."
Hope didn't know how to respond to that.
"And maybe," Faith continued. "It's not so much Sebastian that I love. Maybe it's the idea of him."
"What does that even mean?"
"I don't know. I guess I like being with him. It's comforting, you know? Because if I didn't have him, I'd have no one. He's become this crutch of sorts. But then I met you. And things changed. I didn't need a crutch anymore. And I do love him, I think. I really do. But maybe not as much as I used to."
"You can't break up with him," Hope said. "That's just cruel."
"Well, I don't know. I won't make any decisions right now. I guess I'll just see how things play out."
Hope gave her a look. "Don't break his heart, Faith."
"I'll try not to."
"Pancakes are ready!" Claudia called from the kitchen window.
Faith turned to Hope. "Hungry?"
Hope smiled at her. "Starving."