Hope and Faith

FIFTY-EIGHT: HOPE

Once she was home from camp on Friday afternoon, Hope met up with Peyton, Daisy, Lorelei, and Coral. They hung out at Peyton's house, watching TV and talking about their days. By the time five o'clock hit, the girls were equally starving and decided to get dinner.

They ended up at Frenchie's, and Hope couldn't help but think about Faith. It felt strange keeping such a colossal secret from her friends. And not only from her friends, but from the entire world. Hope would never be able to express how she truly felt. She would never be able to talk to her parents about Faith. Would never be able to confide in her friends about her clandestine love-affair and explain all of the complex emotions she was feeling. While she sat there and listened to Lorelei talk about Jonah, or Peyton talk about Liam, she would need to bite her tongue and not say anything at all.

It wasn't like they expected her to say anything out of the ordinary anyways. They knew she was with Matthew, and thus, there was never much to talk about. Their lives were average and mundane. Already, she and Matthew had become synonymous with an old married couple whose lives were not interesting in the slightest way. There was nothing juicy or exciting about their love-life. Nothing scandalous or dramatic that would prompt discussion with the girls.

Hope felt envious of them. Envious that they could live their lives how they wanted to and never have to question whether their emotions were right or wrong. Never having to fear what family and friends would think. Never second guessing themselves and wondering if God would still accept them.

But at the same time that she envied them, Hope also pitied them. For they would never experience the kind of love that she and Faith shared. Something so rare and mysterious. Catastrophic and enigmatic. They would never understand. They would never know.

After she arrived home later that night, she got a call from Faith. Apparently Faith had been calling all day with no answer. Hope apologized, explaining where she had been, and Faith asked to meet at their spot by the lake. Hope left right away.

They sat there for a few minutes, neither of them saying a word. The sun was setting and they were both focused on the skyline, the sun descending over the water. There wasn't a rush to say anything. There was never a rush with the two of them.

Finally, after ten minutes of silence, Faith took in a deep breath and turned to her. "Hope," she said carefully. "I have to tell you something."
Hope immediately became concerned, noticing the sudden look of apprehension on Faith's face. "What is it? What's wrong?"
Faith took in another breath. Waited a moment. Didn't know how to form the words. Then she said, "I'm pregnant."
Hope raised an eyebrow. "Very funny."
"I'm serious."
"Shut up," Hope laughed, knowing that Faith was always saying stuff like this to get a reaction out of her.
"I swear to God," Faith said, and her face was so serious that in that moment, Hope knew she wasn't joking.
Hope's playful smile disappeared. "Wait... you're actually pregnant?"
Faith nodded.
"How is that even possible!?"
"Relax, Virgin Mary, its Sebastian's."
"Oh –"
"Obviously," Faith cut her off.
It was quiet for a moment. Then Hope said, "How do you know?"
"That it's Sebastian's?"
"That you're pregnant."
"Because I took a test."
"When?"
"Yesterday."
"And...?"
"And it said I was pregnant."
"Oh, Faith," Hope reached out and held her hand. "How do you feel? I don't know what to say."
"Pretty fucked up," Faith said. "But it's okay, I'm aborting it, so –"
"What?"
"I'm going to get an abortion."
"Faith!" Hope gaped. "You can't do that!"
"What do you mean 'I can't do that'?"
"I mean exactly that – you can't!"
"Why not?"
"Because," Hope said. "That's a life. A human life."
"And?"
"And if you abort it, that's murder."
"It's not murder. It's my body. My life. My choice."
"It's not just your body! How can you even say that?"
"Because it's the truth?"
"There's a little life inside of you. A little life that you created. It's your responsibility to bring it into this world."
"I'm fucking sixteen, Hope! I can't be a mother! I can't raise a child!"
"There are other options!" Hope exclaimed. "Adoption..."
"It was created from sex outside of marriage. A baby out of wedlock. You don't support that."
"I don't support killing a baby."
"It's not even a baby! It's barely a fucking embryo."
"Faith," Hope said, staring at her intently. "It's still murder."
"Here we fucking go," Faith turned away.
"You can't get an abortion!" Hope cried. "Please, promise me that you won't abort it."
Faith turned to her. "How can you truly be that selfish?"
"I'm being selfish? I don't think so. You're the one being selfish! Wanting to kill a baby because you don't think you can handle it."
"I can't handle it!" Faith yelled. "You are absolutely right. I don't want it. I can't be a mother. I can't raise a child. And there is no expectation for me to do so."
"We can raise it together!" Hope suggested, trying to sound hopeful.
"First of all," Faith said. "My parents would murder me. Second, your parents wouldn't support this child, let alone raise it."
"Yes they would. My mother would help."
"You can't even tell them about us, how would you explain a baby?"
"What about Sebastian?"
"What about him? He's not even in the picture." Faith brought her hands to her forehead, ran her fingers through her hair. "We never planned for this. We never wanted this."
"But it's not too late to change your mind."
"There is no mind to change."
"I can't believe you," Hope said, tears forming in her eyes. "My mother had two miscarriages before she had me. Two babies that she lost without a choice. And here you are, willingly choosing to kill this baby voluntarily. Do you not see how messed up that is?"
"Don't even go there," Faith warned. "Don't compare me to people like your mother. It sucks that she lost them, but that's out of my control. This isn't. I have no obligation to carry a baby in my stomach for nine months and give birth to it. No obligation whatsoever. Do you not understand that?"
"You have no conscience!" Hope cried. "This is murder!"
"Shut up about this murder bullshit!" Faith yelled. "If there truly was a God, then why would he take away your mother's first two babies, huh? Don't blame me for that. Don't you dare."
"How could you?" Hope said, her voice barely above a whisper. The tears were falling down her cheeks.
"This isn't your choice to make," Faith said.
It was silent between them, the only sound being Hope and her muffled cries and sniffles.
"Faith..." Hope said quietly.
Faith met her eyes. "My mind is already made. I'm getting an abortion."
Hope felt something inside of her pull. Her heart, her lungs. Everything was aching. She couldn't understand how Faith could be so selfish. So heartless.
"Please reconsider," Hope said. "I hope you'll reconsider."
"I can tell you one thing," Faith said. "I won't." And then she stood.
"You can't do this!" Hope cried, feeling the pain, feeling the abandonment for that child.
"Actually, Hope," Faith said in a cold voice that didn't belong to her. "It's my body. I can do whatever the fuck I want."