Hope and Faith

FORTY-TWO: HOPE

"Why did Vincent Van Gogh cut off his own ear?" Faith asked. They were sitting in Hope's basement, the blank television screen in front of them. The film had finished twenty minutes ago, and Hope and Faith were finishing off the rest of the popcorn.
"I think he was insane," Hope replied, tossing another kernel into her mouth.
"Didn't he like, give it to a woman or something?"
"A prostitute in France I think."
"Gross," Faith said. "Imagine. Opening up an envelope and seeing someone's ear."
"Then I'm pretty sure he checked himself into a mental institution. And thus, Starry Night was born."
"That's so fucked up."
"I know."
"No, I meant the painting. It's fucked up how even insanity has the ability to create the most profound artwork."
"That's deep."
Faith shoved more popcorn into her mouth. "The struggling artist trope," she mumbled. "That will be me."
"You won't be struggling. You'll be thriving."
"Maybe I'll cut off my ear and send it to you."
"How romantic."
Faith sighed. "I feel weird, Hope."
"Define weird."
"I can't, that's the thing. I can't put into words how I'm feeling and that irritates me. It's always been this way. I've felt this way for a very long time and I've never talked about it before."
"You're concerning me," Hope stifled a small laugh. "Don't go Van Gogh on me now. Do I need to call the psych ward?"
Faith sat up and faced Hope, pushing the bowl of popcorn to the side. "Can you pretend to be my therapist for like, five minutes or something?"
"Sure." Hope sat up straight as well and put on her serious face.
Faith laughed, then tried to regain her seriousness. "I've always thought there was something wrong with me," she explained. "Not just after Grace died. Before that too. Like there's this darkness inside of me that I can't explain."
"What kind of darkness?"
"I don't know, that's the thing. It's so hard for me to put it into words." It was quiet for a moment. "I used to cut myself."
Hope's eyes widened.
"I don't anymore," Faith quickly added. "I stopped."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Did you stop?"
Faith thought about this. "Because my parents were getting concerned."
"Now I'm concerned."
"Why?"
"You didn't stop because it was wrong. You stopped because it was affecting the people around you. That's not good, Faith."
"But still, I stopped."
"Yes, but not for the right reasons. You didn't stop for yourself."
"My dad threatened to send me away," Faith said quietly. "I guess I knew it was wrong. But it became so normal for me. The blade to my wrists. The bleeding. I don't know."
Hope felt her heart aching for Faith. She looked at this girl in front of her and thought: you are so damaged. Why have you experienced such tragedy in your short life?
"It was mostly because of Grace, I think," Faith said. "The cutting, I mean. But the feeling inside of me... that has been there for a long time. As long as I can remember. It's always been a part of me."
"Have you ever talked about it with anyone?"
"No. That's why I'm telling you now."
"Not even Sebastian?"
"Not even Sebastian."
"Oh," Hope said. She didn't know how that made her feel. That she was the first person Faith was opening up to about something so serious.
"And sometimes, I have good days. Like, really good days. But most of the time, I have bad days. And that's how I felt when I first moved here. That every day was going to be terrible for the rest of my shitty life. This feeling would overpower me. Corner me and make me feel small. Like I'm not worth anything and I don't deserve happiness. But then," Faith looked at Hope. "Then something changed. And now my days seem brighter, even when it's raining."
"What changed?" Hope asked, her voice barely above a whisper. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer.
"I don't have to say," Faith said. "You already know."
Hope's mouth was dry, but she forced herself swallow.
Faith sighed. "But it's like a roller coaster," she said. "Sometimes it's good. And it's really good. But then it gets bad again and I can't control any of it. Even if nothing bad is physically happening in my life, it's as though this darkness just takes over and I have no control."
Hope sat in silence and stared at Faith. She had no idea how to form the words that would comfort Faith or bring her any sort of reassurance.
"I can't help you," Hope found herself saying. "I cannot alleviate the great suffering that emanates from inside of you. There is nothing I can do for you. But I will be there for you. And I will listen to whatever you want me to hear. Do you understand that, Faith? I will be there."
Faith stared at her and Hope wasn't sure if she had said the wrong thing. Her heart sped up and she feared that Faith would leave in silence, never saying anything to her again. And that would be the worst thing, never hearing Faith's voice.
But she didn't leave. She just opened her mouth and said one thing. "Thank you. That's all I've ever wanted from somebody."