His Hired BedWarmer (Enticed Series 1)

HHBW-37

Chapter Thirty-Seven
Forgive Thy Self

Rohan

I didn't know how long was I staring at Nyssa's message for me. Nagpaalam siya na ngayon na ang flight niya papuntang Amerika. A part of me was relieved when I was able to sort things with her.

I went closer to the windows and mesmerized my self with the nightview of this city. It's peaceful from way up here. My work is done but I don't feel like going home. I reached out for the remote and turned off the lights leaving the only light from the outside to illuminate the entire room.

I stood here, like a fool who waits for nothing because if I go home, there is also nothing there.

Narinig ko ang pagpihit ng pintuan sa silid ko, it should be the security.

"R-Rohan..." my heart skipped a beat upon hearing that voice I longed. I closed my eyes and didn't turn my back.

I heard her footsteps approaching me, so I turned to see her. Sinundan ko s'ya ng tingin hanggang sa makarating s'ya sa harapan ko.

She looks brighter today although there is only a dim light from the outside helping me to see her. Her faces says it all...she must have found her resolve.

"How are you?" she asked and calm tone.

"Better," I smiled.

"Can I touch you?"

I waited for the next thing she'd do after saying that. I just blinked my eyes for about two times then I found her warm hands on my cheeks. It was enough to ease the coldness inside.

"I forgive you...and I decided to forgive my self..." she said. By the tone of her voice I know she isn't entirely healed just like me and I know it takes a lot of time.

"I hope you could do that too, Rohan. The reason why you're still empty is because you can't let go of your pains."

A tear rolled down to my cheeks as I gasped.

My heart felt like it was being encroached by thorns of despair and that I could never escape from it. But lately I have been thinking...

Those thorns were just my own hands and I am the one who's trying to restrain my heart.

I am destroying my own self...

"...and moving forward isn't about running away," she wiped my tears.

"I understand..." halos paos na ang boses na pinakawalan ko. "Something tells me that you are leaving...and this time it's going to be a long time before I see you again."

Nanatili siyang tahimik at doon palang nalaman ko na ang sagot. Somehow my heart has been preparing that one day, I'll lose her for good. It's not because I don't deserve her but she deserve to be the person she always wanted to be, and she'll never be able to do that while she's with me.

"I'll leave in two days...mayro'n pa tayong oras. Nandito ako para gawin iyon. Today is the first day..."

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa pisngi ko at ibinibaba. Pinisil ko iyon at hinawakan nang mahigpit. "Tell me what you want to do."

***

I used to walk in this streets of Guanzons late at night, but being with someone feels different. I know the night is getting cold, but it's bearable by the thought of having someone by my side.

Reys wanted a date. I was disappointed when I realized we haven't been into one before. We weren't lovers to begin with, maging ako ay hindi ko pinahintulutan ang sarili kong gawin ang mga bagay na lihis sa kasunduan namin.

"Hey, you can hold my hands..." untag nito sa akin at nilahad ang kamay niya. I smiled as I hold on to it.

Nagpunta kami sa mga arcade. We played a few games, she seems to be enjoying. I know I should play around but I just spent most of the time staring at her. I just want to make myself remember this well so I couldn't forget but I doubt I would.

I've been waiting for this fear caused by the thought of her leaving me one day... I always convinced my self that we are just temporary and prepared for that day that all of this will be over.

But I guess...my heart got in the way and messed up my firm belief that I could still go on.

If forgiving myself is the first step for me to move forward...I want her to be here when I start. But I have to let her go...because I can't give the redemption she needs.

Nagtungo kami rito sa park matapos siyang magsawa sa paglalaro. The night seems to be starry and bright.

She's smiling... what a beautiful face I will miss for a long time.

"I heard this saying before..." aniya habang nakatitig pa rin sa itaas. "No matter how far you are from that person you love, as long as you stare at the same sky...you're somehow close with each other because you're still in the same world...same universe with same feeling."

"You can stare at the sky if you miss me...because I'll be doing that always," then she turned to me with a sweet smile. "Then you may stop thinking of me while you stare at the sky when the time comes that...you won't feel the pain anymore."

I swear I wanted to talk, but my voice couldn't come out because of the heavy feeling I am starting to feel. "I know I'll still hurt your heart even when I'm gone. I might be one of those scars there that won't heal easily, but someday, I know that the scar will always make you remember me will go away."

"I should be the one to say that..." nagpakawala ako ng mahinang tawa.

"Yeah, you're a scar in my heart, Rohan. But I am not yet ready for it to heal. Not all scars could harm...yours was the most painful but it was the one that saved me..."

***