I found you in April

The Times That Shaped Me

Kousei's POV

I was actually quite nervous. Thank god my hands had not started to tremble. I knew Aiza had it in for me. He has since we were kids. I've always admired his devotion to sticking to a score.

"Playing the piece as the composer intended" he would always say, we a smug look on his face.

When I was a kid, I was forcefully tutored in the art of playing the piano. My mother used to be vicious and my dad was never around a lot. Honestly, I had forgotten most of my early childhood. It was probably due to the trauma. Both mental and physical. I was put through hell. Being forced to stay up until times that definitely were not healthy for a developing child, being put through so much emotional stress as my mother looked upon me as if she wished you had never gave birth to me, having an extremely limited social life and probably so much more. I'm probably only barely scratching the surface but, as I previously said, I don't remember much of it. That could be all the blows I took to the head though.

The last time I ever spoke to my mother was in this very venue. Towa Hall. I try not to remember her. I made my peace with those demons a long time ago. It was her birthday and her doctors let her out for the day to watch my recital! As a present, I told her I would play my absolute best for her. I was so happy. She had never seen me play in front of an audience before. I played my absolute heart out. I wanted her to be proud of me. I just wanted her to get well.

When the performance was over, I got huge applause from the audience with a few even shouting "Encore!". 

But she didn't applaud me.

"What went wrong?" I thought

When we were back in the main lobby of the hall, my mother looked at me in disgust as she always did. "Why did I expect anything different?" was the main thought in my mind.

Hiroko congratulated me. She was always so supportive. She was more of a mother towards me than my biological one.

"YOU'RE SUCH AN EMBARRASSMENT! ANATA WA YAKUNITATANAI! NOROI!" my mother screamed.

I heard murmurs from people with concerned looks on their faces.

"That's no way to treat a kid."

"How could someone treat their own flesh and blood like that?"

"She should be ashamed."

"I'm going to call security."

I felt grateful for these people but they didn't truly understand the situation. My mother had gone fully psychotic a while ago. No one person could stop her when she was about to go on a rampage. Hiroko could see what was happening and she tried to calm my mother down but she was livid. The beast inside her had awoken. I knew what would come next.

No. I wouldn't let it happen. I had lived in fear of my mother for too long. Never again.

She swung the stick. And I caught it in my hand. I didn't hurt her but I wasn't going to allow her to hurt me either. I looked her dead in the eyes and said; "Never again."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"I said, never again. Never again are you going to hurt me. Never again will you keep me up for hours until I physically collapse of exhaustion. Never again will I be called "The Human Metronome" because you believe the score is God and it should be worshipped. Never again will yo-"

At that moment I felt a sharp pain in my head. My legs turned to jelly. I hit the floor and my glasses were sent across the room. What did I expect? I was only 11. I couldn't do anything.

I felt a pouring sensation and saw a red substance flowing down my face. My mother had struck me. Again.

I slowly got to my feet. I tossed my score. I had enough. "You wretch!" I exclaimed. 

"I wish you'd just do me a favor and die already." 

At that moment, my mother looked me in the eye, scoffed at me and said...

"That's my boy." and she collapsed on the spot. She was pronounced dead at the scene. I was obviously shocked. My mother had died. But, and I've always felt a pang of guilt for this, I felt relieved at the same time. My torture was over. 

It obviously took me a while to recuperate from the shock of it all. I was on my own. But then I heard my dad was coming home to look after me. I didn't even know the man so I didn't know what to expect. I was hoping he would be a loving caring parent. The exact opposite of Mom. I shed a few tears for her but that was me dreaming of what could have been. I felt...

Empty.

My trauma wasn't over yet though.

**********

A few days before he was due home, there was a knock at my door. Hiroko answered it. In the wake of my mother's death, she became my legal guardian.

I couldn't make out who it was as they didn't look familiar. Then again, nobody looked familiar to me. That was another consequence of my mother's actions. I swore I'd always be the exact opposite of her in everything I would do in my life. 

Suddenly I saw Hiroko turn towards me, teary eyed, and she said; "Kousei, your dad isn't coming home. He was in an accident."

**********

I didn't quite know how to feel. My dad had not made any previous attempt to connect with me. Again, I just felt empty. I didn't understand any of this. Within a couple weeks, I had lost both my parents. I never connected with my dad as he was always gone and my mother had abused me far beyond the point of forgiveness. I hated her, I hated him. I hated them both. They weren't parents. They were just two sad people who happened to have a child.

From that point onwards, Hiroko became my full time guardian. I was in her care and would be until the day I turned 16.

I fell into a spiral. Negativity consumed me. I became a shell of my former self. Actually, I can't even say that because I didn't know who I was. I was going through an identity crisis. I fell into a depression. I was alone anyway. I had no friends. All I had was my piano. Without that, I would have no reason for existing. 

However, one fateful day when I was 7 years old sprung into mind. That was my driving force. I probably would have given up long ago if not for the ambition I gained that day which would drive me through the next 7 years of my life.

It kept me going through the bad times. Eventually, Hiroko had a child and I became a brother. That was the best day of my life. I had someone to look out for. My sister. I swore to protect her with everything I had. 

"Koharu. I'll prove to the world that I'm nothing like my mother. I'll protect you." 

Before I knew it, I was crying. I was so overwhelmed by emotion. I had never felt like this before. I had a purpose. At long last.

**********

Eventually, I started to play the piano again. I worked really hard to keep my grades up, I started eating right again, I tried to be the best brother I could be to Koharu and most importantly, I started playing my music the way I wanted to! 

"Music is freedom." 

That was what I always told myself. I truly believed it. Music is a lot more powerful than some people realise. Not many things can make you feel emotion quite like music. More often than not, the music we listen to reflects our current state of mind. That's how it is for me at least. I have to push on. I have to make my own name heard. 

I'm no longer "Arima Kousei, the robot. The metronome. The machine."

No.

I'm "Arima Kousei, the human being. The person. The musician."

I'm a musician. Just like you... 

**********