I found you in April

T̵͠h̴̶͞͏i̴̢̡s̡͠.̛͞į̢́͞͠s̶҉.̛͞͡͝h̵̡̛̕e҉̵̛̀͠l̸͠ļ̷̛͞

Tsubaki's POV

Why? I'm all over the place. I feel so...

Empty.

 B̀u̷t͠҉ ̧͟͜͝͡Í͠ ̢͏͘á́͢͠l̵͘͟s̴̢͝͝o̸̴ ̷͡f̛e͠͠éĺ̶̡͟ ҉l̶̸̸͟͡i̴̡̡͞k̛̀͞è̡͘҉ ̴̸̀m̸̢̢̛͠y̴̨͜͝ ̸̧͜͠͝h̨̀̕͢͟e̡á̶͢͜d͏̵̢́ ̨͡į͘͞҉͡s̨̨̀͢ ̡͢a̷͡b̵̧ò̸ú͘͟͏͝ţ̶̕͘͟ ͠͏̶̴t̶̴̀́͞ǫ́͡ ̴̀e̛̕͜͡x́ṕ̶͞͞͡l͞҉͟o͘͘͞d̵҉̶̀ȩ̴̵̢͘ . 

I had to leave the motel. I ran out of money. So I'm on the streets. I can't go back. My family hate me. I don't blame them. I would too. They've probably disowned me by now. I deserve it. This is my punishment. I don't even know why I did it. I regret. I hate myself. What did she do to deserve it? She was in need. I failed her. I deserve this. I'm living under a bridge. How did it come to this? I gave up everything for a boy! 

 H̀O̵̧͏͏Ẁ̷̀͟͜ ̢̛C̵̷̢̡Ǫ͜Ú̕͢͡͝L̨̢D̶̛͏͜ ̸́̕͘I̶ ͜҉̀͝B̢É̶ ̧̡S͏҉̴̡́O͜͡ ̷͞F̴͘̕͡U҉̷̡C̴͘͞͡K̕͟Í̷̢̛͞Ǹ̸҉͡G̸͝ ̶̵͡͏S̴̡̧̀҉Ţ̛͢͜Ư̵͘̕P͘͜͞͠Ì͟D̨?̶̢́͜͞!̴̧́  

He probably isn't even worth it! I ruined my life for him! I ruined EVERYTHING. WHY?! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF IT ALL?! HE WOULD NEVER LIKE A GIRL LIKE ME! I'M NOT EVEN A GIRL TO MOST PEOPLE! I'M JUST THE STUPID GORILLA THAT PLAYS SOFTBALL.

I never had a chance.

"You're right you know. You never did have a chance."

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. They were back to give me my daily bashing. I deserve it. Knowing that doesn't make the torture any easier though.

"You think you have it bad?! Do you not remember the actions you took to bring you here? YOU NEARLY MURDERED YOUR BEST FRIEND IN COLD F̴̢U̶҉̵͏C̕͘͡͝K̸̡͟͏I͢҉̵N̶̵͜͢͏Ǵ͏ BLOOD?! DO YOU REALIZE THAT?"

"PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT ALREADY?!?!?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Atonement. I want you to pay for what you did!"

That sounded like Watari and Kousei. Why did it sound like them? No. That's just my mind playing tricks on me again. Wait...

There's someone else with them. Kaori...

Is she...

holding hands with Kousei?

No. It's your mind. Get out of your head Tsubaki. 

I didn't realize it at the time but I was in a spiral. An anaconda in the form of depression and guilt had coiled itself around me and it was becoming increasingly tighter. It was crushing me. It wouldn't stop no matter what I did. If I drank, it became worse. If I used drugs, it became more distorted and sinister. It was always there. But one day...

I had a thought.

What if I had done something differently? What if I hadn't asked Kaori to come along?

"Watari would have done it anyway."

"Must you interject in everything? I JUST WANT A MINUTE OF PEACE!"

I hit my head against the pillar of the bridge until I knocked myself out. At least I'll get peace now.

**********

"Don't tell me you actually thought that would work. Oh my you're even more stupid than you look and that's pretty hard to top. No wonder Kousei fell for Kaori."

"SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"After all this time you still don't get it. I'm you! I can't leave you alone. All you can do is repent."