I found you in April

Why is Fate so cruel?

It's all happened so quickly. I want to play. I do. My time is up though. Playing this show is so important to me but as the reality of the situation I was about to find myself in hit me, I couldn't go on. The roar of a crowd as we walked out on stage never failed to get me in the zone but this crowd was different. I knew it would be my last in the state I am now. I still don't know what shape I will be in when I wake up tomorrow and, honestly, that thought terrifies me.

I might never experience going to the park and playing with the kids again or eating canelés with Kousei in that little shop hidden amongst the cherry blossoms or falling asleep on a perfect Spring day when the temperature is perfect. It's neither too cold nor too hot. I'll never get to wake up after sleeping through half of that perfect day to see the stars shining so bright they could blind you, the embodiment of ambition looking down on me. I'll never see that bridge again. I won't be able to jump off the railing and feel the cool water below envelope me with its icy embrace. Will I forget everything?

When I heard, actually, excuse me, saw that the love of my life was sick, I didn't really understand it. It was like everything had just ceased to exist. I didn't want it to be true. It couldn't have been true. I still haven't accepted it. I never will accept it. I've worked so hard to accept it and I thought I had and I would just focus on the days where he was well and the time I had left with him, I did.

That cheery line that Kousei likes to use just doesn't work here. As I raised my bow, I used what little strength I had left. I fully intended on playing. I did. When I began, I couldn't hear anything but Kousei's playing. Before long, that had disappeared too. Perhaps it was the fact that I couldn't comprehend what I was hearing more than it not being there. As I moved my bow against the strings, with the least grace of any violin player ever, ready and willing to join him in his playing, my muscles, every fiber of my very being, screamed all at once in agony. I tried and tried to move but every time I did it was as if the next inch would be my last. As much as I fought it, as much as I didn't want to let it happen, I was done. I had no choice but to give up.

Please don't let me forget.

**********

Kaori had collapsed mere moments after raising her bow. Initially the audience thought this was all part of the performance as the duo liked to use theatrics now and again, although never to this scale. When Kousei's demeanour changed it, very quickly, became apparent to the crowd that this was no planned stunt. Obviously shocked having been abruptly whipped out of their immersion in the music, commotion could be heard from the spectators who were clearly worried about the young performer as medical staff made their way to the stage.

**********

My mind went blank when I saw her crumble in front of me. I watched her fall and couldn't do anything because of the useless mess this body of mine has become. I've always tried to stay strong for her and, for a while, I did. 

The one truth that has become so much more apparent to me in these past months is that, no matter how much you or anyone else may wish against it, if fate wills something to happen, it will happen. 

I feel so cold. All feeling has left my body. I'm numb. So numb. I can't hear a thing. I can't see either. My senses have all just been cut off. Its like all connections from my brain to the rest of my body have just broken. I can't move. I'm stuck in place. Drowning. My head feels like it could explode. I'm clutching my temples, begging whatever it could be now to leave me alone, just for a bit, so I can help Kaori. Why is fate so cruel?

I feel kinda sleepy...