In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 2

Erin's P.O.V.

Supposedly, there are moments in life that give you perspective, that clarify all the trivial little things that we worry about day to day. I've never been sure myself; I've never bought the idea of a white light and angels when you have a near death experience. I'd say the most clarifying experiences of my life had nothing to do with near death. When I look back over my life there's few moments that really stand out. There's the obvious of course, that crucial turning point. The day Voignt helped me turn my life around. Looking back, that day definitely gives me a sense of perspective. Thinking over what my life would have become if that hadn't happened, the life of crime that would have followed. It wasn't a near death experience, but I changed my life and lying in the back of an ambulance semi-conscious I can't help but wonder if this incident is going to have the same kind of defining impact on my life.

One things for sure, there's nothing magical about it. No bright lights, no angels. All I can feel is searing pain, shooting through every part of my body. But I can't move, I can't call out to the paramedics, as much as I want to. It's like I'm trapped, being held prisoner in my own body. Maybe I'm being punished for all the things I've done in the past, it certainly feels like it. Every tiny bump in the road feels like another kick in the stomach, each gasp of oxygen I manage to draw in to my lungs burns. The pain makes me realise I'm alive, but at the same time it makes me wish I'd died on the floor in that warehouse. As I'm lying on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance I start to wonder what I've actually got to live for. It makes me think back to when it was Jules lying on the stretcher, me holding her hand. She fought so hard to hang on; she'd got a husband and kids waiting for her to come home. But what have I got? An empty apartment, I've got nothing in my life apart from work at the moment. A part of me knows that if I pulled myself together and told Jay how I feel then I could have something more. But there's definitely a part of me wondering if it's even worth it.

It feels like an eternity, the time between getting in the back of the ambulance and reaching the hospital. As they lift me out of the back of the ambulance I can hear Voight, yelling somewhere in the background. He suddenly appears at the side of the stretcher, I only know he's there because I can hear him. I haven't even got the strength left to open my eyes anymore. "It's going to be ok Erin." I hear him say, I can hear the desperation in his voice and I know he's thinking of Jules. I want to open my mouth, to say something to let him know I'm still in here, hanging on. I try, but I can't open my mouth or catch enough breath to say anything. Then he's gone. I feel myself being lifted off the stretcher, hands everywhere. There's a voice I don't recognise calling my name, telling me to squeeze her hand if I can hear her, I try but I can't make my hand move. They're all talking quickly, words I don't understand. A few moments later I feel myself being moved again. It should worry me that I don't know where they are taking me, but the pains gone now and I'm so tired that I can't find it in me to worry.

Jay's P.O.V

It takes me a while, standing in the warehouse staring at the blood on the floor, to realise that everyone else has gone. I need to get to the hospital, I need to see her. I need the chance to tell her how I feel. She'll be ok- She has to be. It's a frightening prospect that I might never get to talk to her again. That she'll never tease me about my driving again, or that she won't be there to kick my ass next time I screw something up. What frightens me most is the fact her blood is on my hands. I allowed her to go down there on her own. It's my fault that she ended up in a room with that man on her own. If I'd gone down there with her then this wouldn't have happened. That's the truth.

It feels odd, sat in the driver's seat of the car. It's just an unwritten rule between us, Erin always drives. I tease her occasionally, pretend to complain about the fact I'm not allowed, but I don't mean it- and she knows I don't. The truth is, something I've never admitted to her, I let her drive because it makes her happy, and I love seeing the smile on her face. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that I might not see that smile again. I've reached the hospital without even thinking about it, it's a small miracle really that I haven't caused an accident on the way there because I wasn't concentrating on the road at all.

I walk in to the hospital, scanning the waiting area. I see the rest of the unit, sat in the corner. Their faces are pale and I can see the worry, I wonder for a second if I'm too late, but then Antonio nods at me. It's a silent signal that lets me know I'm not too late, there's still hope at the moment. A little bit of hope is all I need. She can pull through this, she's Erin Lindsay for Christ's sake, she can't just die- She's invincible. Or at least we'd all believed she was up until this point. But then again, we'd all thought Jules was invincible, until the moment she wasn't. It's a frightening prospect, sat here in this waiting room again, that we might be about to lose another member of our team so soon after we buried the last one. It feels as though it should be some kind of nightmare, and I pray it is. At least then I can wake up soon and Erin will be ok. But I can't wake up from this, it's not a nightmare, it's real life. The partner I've slowly fallen in love with really is lying unconscious in a hospital bed because of me.

As I sit down next to Ruzek I see Voight's head snap up. He glares at me, and I know he's blaming me. I understand why, it is my fault. "This is your fault!" He spits at me, getting to his feet. Antonio puts a hand on Voight's shoulder, which is quickly shaken off. Voight crosses the room in two steps, and is suddenly standing right in front of me. "You don't think I know that? You don't think I wish it was me in there?" I whisper back. I'd expected it to come out much louder than that, but I just don't have the energy left in me to fight with Voight right now. I brace myself, waiting for him to hit me. But he doesn't. Antonio places his hand gently on Voight's shoulder. "Come on you two, not here." He says calmly, guiding Voight back to the seat he's just left. In a way I wish he had hit me, at least then I'd feel like I was being punished for my stupidity. Maybe this is my punishment, maybe what's happening to my partner is punishment- it certainly seems like it. If she doesn't come back from this I'll not only have to live with the fact that I sent her down there alone, but also with everything that's left unsaid between us.