In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 15

Jay's P.O.V.

I sit there for a moment, stunned into silence. I can't believe that the Erin Lindsay I've come to know and love could ever be so ridiculously insecure. I've got no idea what to say to her, I don't think anything I could ever say would be enough to convince her that I won't run off and leave her, that I'm not going to break her heart. I thought I was going to get my ass kicked when Voight dragged me into his office earlier. The last thing I'd expected was for him to sit me down to talk about Erin. I knew he was worried about her, I just hadn't realised how worried. He'd told me about hearing her screaming during the night, something I can relate to well. I can see it in her face, the exhaustion from not sleeping properly for weeks. I want to be able to make it all better for her, to wave a magic wand. I wish she'd let me in, that she'd let me try and help her. Voight had told me everything about her past, about how he'd found her- but he'd sworn me to secrecy. If only she knew that none of it makes me feel any differently about her.

It takes me a few minutes to speak, I just don't know what to say to her anymore. She's like an empty shell of the person I used to know, sitting there, staring down at the bed. "I don't care about your past Erin- it makes no difference to me-" I start, but I'm soon cut off. "You can't possibly say that- You've got no idea about what I've done!" She shrieks at me. In a way I'm glad she's getting angry, this Erin I know how to deal with. I'd much rather she yelled at me than having to watch her sit here looking so defeated. "I know everything! I don't care about any of it!" I say before I've even thought about it. Voight's going to kill me. Crap.

She sits there for a few moments, an unreadable expression on her face. I'm half expecting her to slap me, or to storm out to go and slap Voight. "Excuse me?" She chokes out eventually, looking me in the eye for the first time. I know I need to tread carefully here, if I say this wrong she's never going to let me in. I honestly don't believe any way I say this is going to be the 'right' way to say it though. I might just have to cross my fingers and hope- I think this is actually more terrifying than being shot at. "Voight told me everything Erin.... Your parents, the drugs-" I start slowly, but she cuts me off. "I get the picture- no need to repeat it all! What even gives him the right to do that?! How dare you two talk about me behind my back-" It's my turn to interrupt her this time, although it's possibly not a good idea. "He told me because he cares Erin! Just like I do- why do you find that so bloody difficult to believe?" I have to remind myself not to yell, it's just so frustrating that she won't believe that I care.

She sits there for a minute, just staring at me. I have no idea what's going on in her head at the moment. She's the total opposite of the Erin I usually work with. She's usually so confident and sure of herself, constantly laughing and joking. How did I not notice there was more going on than just nightmares about the attack? God I'm such an idiot. "If I believe it... If I let you in, you're just going to leave me in the end.... It's going to break my heart Jay.... I just can't let that happen....." She says quietly, her voice breaking at the end. She buries her face in her hands and I hear her let out a quiet sob. Without even thinking about it I scoot across the bed and pull her in to my arms. She stiffens to start with and I think she's going to pull away from me, but she doesn't. I feel her relax against me and she turns her head towards my chest. I can feel the sobs shaking through her body as I hold her tightly. I wish she'd let me help her, that there was some way I could convince her I'm not going to leave her. I don't want it to take another near death experience to make her realise how she feels.

Eventually, she stops crying but she doesn't pull away from me. I'm glad, I don't want to let go of her. I've missed her more than she'll ever realise. "I've missed this." She says quietly, resting her head against my chest. I wonder if I've heard her right, I've been waiting to hear her say those words for so long. I don't get a chance to say anything in response to her though, she starts speaking again. "I'd love to believe it will all work out Jay, that we'll live happily ever after and have nice house and grow old together... But what are the chances of that actually happening? It wont. Something will happen, you'll get fed up with dealing with all my crap, I'll do something stupid and mess it up.... Happiness doesn't happen to people like me Jay." She says and I can hear the resignation in her voice, it's heart breaking.

I put my hand under her chin, making her look up at me. I can feel her breath on my face and I feel my heart start to race. "I know you don't believe me, but I love you. Every single thing Erin. Every last little thing. I'm not going to get fed up with you, I'm not going to find someone better... I'm not going to leave you.... I don't know how you want me to prove this to you- I don't even know if I can.... I need you to believe me." I say, almost pleadingly. I desperately want her to believe me, I can't stand the thought of her believing that she's not worth it. She doesn't say anything, she just slowly looks back down again and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. We just sit there together, silently. Each of us thinking. She sits there in my arms for so long I start to get my hopes up that maybe I might have got through to her. Any hopes I have are soon shattered though as she pulls herself from my arms and turns away from me. "You need to go." She says coldly, refusing to look at me. I just get up slowly and walk away, nothing I say is going to make any difference to her while she's like this. I'll just have to hope that she changes her mind soon, because seeing her like this is killing me.