In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 11

'But the memories that hang the heaviest are the easiest to recall. They hold in their creases the ability to change one's life forever. Even when you shake them out they've left permanent wrinkles in the fabric of your soul.'

Jay's P.O.V.

I stand on the other side of the apartment door and lean against it for a few moments. I can't quite believe this has actually just happened, that Erin's actually just thrown me out of her apartment at 4am. I should have listened to Voight, let him have that conversation with her, but for some stupid reason I thought she'd listen to me. It takes me a few moments standing there to realise she's not going to come out and apologise to me, that she really did mean what she said. I slowly walk away from the apartment, getting in my car and driving home.

When I get home, I sit on the sofa and stare at my phone. Hoping, waiting. I know she's not going to call me. She was furious, I don't know if I've ever really seen her that angry. There's something more going on here than just that night at the warehouse, I know that. Part of me wants to go and stand outside her front door and knock and yell until she answers, then somehow force her to talk to me. But if I know anything about Erin Lindsay, it's that trying to force information out of her wont get me anywhere. I'm going to have to be patient, and hope that she decides she's ready to talk about it, that she's ready to forgive me. Until she does, there's no point in me even trying, as much as I want to.

After a few more moments I lift my phone up and dial Voight's number. I can't just leave her like this. I need to know she's ok. I know she's probably not going to be any happier with Voight than she is with me, but it might be worth a try. He answers his phone sleepily and I then realise it's only 5am. I apologise quickly, and he soon wakes up as I explain to him what's happened. We seem to have reached some kind of understanding over Erin, which has surprised me considering how against it Voight was to begin with. He doesn't say much on the phone, but then again it wasn't exactly a social call. He reassures me he'll get in touch with Erin and make sure she's ok, and he tries to convince me that it'll all be ok, that she'll come around but to be honest I'm not sure if she'll ever totally forgive me this.

Erin's P.O.V.

I've got no idea how long I spent sat on the kitchen floor, my back pressed against the cupboards. This is exactly the reason why I knew Jay would leave me in the end, I'm just too screwed up to ever be good enough for anyone. Especially Jay. I can hear my phone vibrating somewhere in the apartment, it's probably Jay. I know we can't leave it like this, that we need to talk about this. But how can I talk to him about this? If he knows, he'll never look at me the same way again. None of this is his fault, I should have listened to Voight. He really was just looking out for Halstead, it was as if he knew I'd screw this up. He probably did to be honest, Voight knows me that well. I can't help but wonder sometimes why he bothered to save me. I mean, what was the point?

I'm still mulling that over when there's a loud bang on my door. My heart skips for a moment, maybe it's Jay. As much as I want to get up off this floor, to apologise and explain everything it's like I'm rooted to the spot. I just can't make myself move. There's a few more loud bangs, then a few moments silence. I close my eyes, leaning my head back. I can feel a salty taste on my lips and it puzzles me for a moment, then I realise what it is. Tears. I haven't cried for years, I'm not even sure if i cried properly the day Jules died. It's just not something I do. So how the hell have I ended up curled up on my kitchen floor crying in the early hours of the morning?

There's one more loud bang and the sound of splintering wood. I barely even register that it's happening. The fact it sounds as though someone is breaking down my apartment door should worry me more than this. But I stay there, on the kitchen floor, still hoping I'm going to wake up, that this is all a part of the nightmare. But it isn't, and deep down I know that. Deep down I know that I screamed and Jay and sent him away, and that breaks my heart.

I hear the footsteps crossing my apartment floor, and then someone sits down next to me. He doesn't say anything, he just sits down next to me on the floor and puts a hand on my knee. I want to be angry with him, but I just don't think I've got it in me anymore. I feel drained, empty. Almost void of emotion. I haven't felt like this in such a long time. "We gonna talk about this kid?" His raspy voice breaks the silence eventually. He says it tentatively, as though he's expecting me to explode. It reminds me of the way I've seen him talk to suicidal people, talking them down off a ledge. It takes me by surprise a bit. I'd been half expecting him to come in here and kick my butt for what I'd done to Halstead.

I feel the tears welling up in my eyes again and I try to hold them back. I think I've only ever cried in front of Voight twice the whole time I've known him, and that was years ago. I gasp for breath, trying to hold the emotion back and failing miserably. Voight's arms go around me and pull me closer as the tears start to flow. "It's gonna be ok kid.... It always is in the end.." He murmurs, the words are familiar to me- it's not the first time he's said them to me. He sits there patiently, holding me tightly while I sob and sob. I haven't said it, but he knows there's so much more to this than just my injuries and the fight with Jay. There's years and years of pent up emotion coming out, memories that I've tried so hard to bury that are resurfacing. Eventually I manage to get a handle on my emotions, but I don't move away from him. He strokes my hair gently as he speaks again. "You need to talk to him Erin, explain.. He'll understand." He says quietly. I shake my head violently. Voight sighs before he speaks again. "If you're sure then I can't make you... But I can make you come and stay with me for a few days until you sort yourself out." He says, and I know from the tone of his voice he's not going to let me argue with him. Maybe he's right, maybe I need some time and a change of scenery to sort myself out. I take his hand and let him pull me to my feet, following him out of my apartment. "You're paying for that door." I mutter as I survey the damage he's done. I hear him laugh quietly behind me. "Whatever you say kid." He laughs, getting in to his car.