In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 25

Jay's P..O.V.

The nurse doesn't tell me anything, just ushering me through in to the doctors office. As I sit down on the chair opposite the doctor I'm trying to read her facial expression, to work out what the sad smile she'd giving me means. I can't even begin to imagine what I'm going to do if Erin's not ok. It's silent in the office, the sound of the clock ticking seems abnormally loud as I look at the woman in front of me, waiting. "Erin had a reaction to one of the drugs that we gave her. It caused her brain to swell, the increase in pressure then caused her to lose consciousness. There was no way of knowing this was going to happen. She's in the ICU at the moment, she's stable for now but the next 48 hours are critical." The doctor says. I let out the breath I've been holding. She's alive, she'll be ok. She has to be.

I walk down the hall with the doctor silently, trying to process what is happening. This has been the longest day of my life. It seems like a lifetime ago that me and Voight were busting down the door to the apartment. I can't even begin to understand how this has gone from being the best day of my life to the worst in the space of a few hours. As I walk in to the ICU and look at Erin the memories of the last time she was laying in a hospital bed come flooding back. We've come such a long way since then, this can't be the end.

I sit down on the chair next to her bed, and it's like deja vu for me, sitting here holding her hand and wondering if she knows I'm here. I hear the click of the door closing as the doctor leaves. I take Erin's hand in my own and gently run my fingers over the back of her hand. "Erin, you need to wake up. I can't do this on my own. Our daughter needs you Erin, I need you..." I whisper, looking up at her. She doesn't say anything though, I knew she wouldn't, the doctor had told me she was sedated to let the swelling reduce, but there was still a tiny part of me that was hoping she was wrong.

I don't know how long I've been sat there, staring at her unmoving body before the door opens. Voight walks in, holding the baby still. The only sound in the room in the ventilator as he looks at Erin and then looks at me. He walks up to me and gently passses our daughter to me before sitting down next to me. I look down at the tiny sleeping baby in my arms and try desperately to make sense of what is happening. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I can't do this on my own.

Neither Voight or me move all night, we just sit there and watch Erin and the monitors she's attached to. Usually I'd find the repetitive beeping annoying, but I'm just relieved. As long as those monitors are still beeping there is still hope. She has to wake up. Voight breaks the silence after a few hours, looking down at the little girl who's wriggling around in my arms. "Had you talked about what you're going to call her?" He asks me and I nod. "We'd talked about it, but it just didn't feel right to do it without Erin." I choke out. The thought of doing anything without Erin just doesn't seem right. If I could trade places with her then I would do it right now, she should be here holding her daughter. Voight's silent again for a few minutes. "Jay, if she doesn't-" He starts and I glare at him. "She's going to wake up." I whisper, only just managing to stop myself from yelling. The fact that he's even considering the alternative makes me feel sick to my stomach. Voight looks at me again. "All I'm trying to say Halstead is think about what Erin would want you to do ok?" He says calmly. I honestly can't believe he can be so ok with considering a scenario where Erin isn't ok. Before I get a chance to say anything he stands up and walks away. If I hadn't got a sleeping baby in my arms I'd probably chase after him. I look down at my little girl and I can't help but smile as she opens her eyes. It feels like I'm looking straight at Erin, she's got an exact copy of her Mom's eyes. "Mommy's going to be ok." I whisper, blinking back the tears in my eyes at I look down at her. "Mommy's going to be ok." I repeat quietly.

It's the longest six hours of my life, sitting there watching and waiting. It makes me jump as the doctor comes back in to the room. She doesn't say anything as she moves around, checking monitors. Eventually she looks up at me, and I can see the pity in her eyes. "We're going to slowly wean her off the sedation. It looks like the pressure has reduced. But please don't get your hopes up just yet." She says, and she managed to crush the hope she's just given me in a matter of seconds. I look down again at the little girl who's still sound asleep in my arms. "Please Erin..." I whisper almost inaudibly. I feel like I should be doing something, but there is nothing I can do other than sit here, watch and wait. Praying that she'll wake up and be ok.

I'm starting to lose the last little bit of hope that I'm desperately clinging to after a few hours have passed. Nothing is changing and I honestly don't know if I can do this. I stand up from the chair, I need a few minutes. I look at my daughter, who's asleep in the little crib the nurses brought in. She's oblivious to what's going on, and I wish I was to. I'm not ready to deal with this. I walk out of the room and out of the hospital, standing outside in the icy cold air. I'm almost surprised to find it's daylight. It just seems as though time has been stood still the entire time I've been in the hospital, it seems unfair in a way that life has just carried on as normal outside the walls of the hospital.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around to find Antonio stood there. "How's she doing?" He asks me and I shake my head "No change." I say and he squeezes my shoulder gently. "She'll pull through Halstead, I promise you that. It's Erin- she always does. What you need to think about right now though is that beautiful little girl up there who needs her Dad." He says, looking at me and waiting. I nod slowly, he's right. I need to pull myself together. Erin and my daughter need me. Antonio's phone rings and he makes his excuses, disappearing off into the crowds of people in the street. I take a deep breath before turning and walking back inside. I can do this.

I walk quietly back into the room, it seems so silent after the noise of the street outside. Then it hits me. It is silent. The ventilator Erin had been attached to is gone. It feels like everything is in slow motion as I walk over to the bed. "Erin?" I whisper, placing a hand gently on her cheek. There's a few seconds silence, in which I feel my hopes start to vanish, it was too good to be true. Then slowly, her eyes open. I don't know what to say to her. "Hey..." She whispers, and I can't help but laugh. She says it exactly the way she does every time she comes home, it just seems so odd in this situation. "Hey to you to..." I whisper, kissing her gently. "There's someone who wants to meet you..." I smile, turning around to pick our baby up. I can't help but smile as Erin's eyes fill with tears as I place our daughter in her arms. "She's perfect!" She whispers, blinking back the tears in her eyes. "She's just like her Mom." I say, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at them.