In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 10

Jay's P.O.V.

I'm sitting in the apartment, watching the news when I realise an hour has passed and Erin still hasn't come out of the shower. I want to get up, go and check she's ok, but she's only just told me that I worry too much. She's fine- she'd have called me if she wasn't. I sit there, staring at the tv and not really taking it in, watching the minutes tick by. I get up, walking through to the bedroom to see if she's in there. There's a tiny part of me that's wondering if she's snuck back out of the apartment- she wouldn't do that to me though would she? I can hear the water running as I walk past the bathroom door and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Erin's normally teasing me about the fact I take longer to get ready than her.

I hesitate outside the bathroom door for a moment, wondering if I should check she's ok. She's probably going to yell at me for worrying too much again, but I can't help it. I've got a bad feeling about it for some reason. I raise my hand to the door, knocking loudly. "Erin?" I call through the door, waiting for some kind of response. Nothing. I knock again, but there's still no answer. I put my hand on the door handle, thankfully it's not locked. I slowly push it open, peering around it. Erin's there, sat on the toilet seat with her head in her hands. I shut off the water and crouch down in front of her. "Erin?" I say again, placing my hand on her shoulder. She flinches when I touch her, her head snapping up. She's as white as a sheet, and I can tell from the way she squeezes her eyes closed again there's something wrong with her. "What is it?" I ask, my concern rising. She opens her eyes slightly, looking at me. "Just tired." She mumbles. I get the feeling that she's not telling me the whole truth, but I don't want to argue with her.

Slowly, I help her out of the bathroom and she lays down on the bed, falling asleep almost instantly. As I lay on the other side of the bed I can't help but watch her sleep. There's just an uneasy feeling in my stomach, as though something isn't quite right, but I've got no idea what it is. I don't know why it's bothering me, it's not unreasonable that she's this tired. She's struggled to make it down the steps of the apartment up until now, and she'd walked miles before we found her. I try to shake off that feeling of worry, but I just can't. Then again, that feeling has been there ever since she got injured. Even in the hospital surrounded by doctors and nurses I was worrying about her. She looks so peaceful sleeping next to me, but I know it's only a matter of time until she wakes up screaming from the nightmares that have been plaguing her for weeks. I'd give anything right now to go back to that night, to stop her going down there on her own. But I can't change what's happened, I can only hope for some kind of normality some time soon.

Erin's P.O.V.

I wake up in the middle of the night, as I always do, in a cold sweat with my heart racing. I feel Jay stirring next to me and pray silently he doesn't wake up. He thinks I'm having nightmares about the attack, and they were to start with. But what he doesn't know is that my mind is going so much further back than that, I'm having nightmares about my childhood, about the time before Voight found me. It's something I never wanted to relive, and the fact I know it's coming makes me reluctant to close my eyes again. I roll on to my side, facing Jay. I can just make out his face in the dim light in the apartment. I can't help but wonder how long it will be before he gets fed up with being with someone as messed up as I am. Part of me thinks I should just enjoy it while it lasts, the much larger part of me knows it's going to kill me when he leaves me.

My mind is whizzing around so quickly it's a wonder Jay doesn't wake up. He says he loves me, and he's been so amazing, but I still can't believe that someone as good as Jay would want to be with someone like me. He still doesn't really know me, I guess thats it. I've told him just enough about my past to stop him asking questions, but he doesn't even know the half of it. I'm so much more messed up than he could ever imagine, and I'm certain that when he finds out he's going to run. Everyone always does.

I can feel my eyelids drooping closed again, and I fight against them. I don't want to have to see it again. I smile slightly as Jay fidgets next to me, ending up snoring right in my ear. I pull myself closer to him, his arms automatically coming around me even while he's asleep. I feel safe, laying here like this, which is another reason it's going to hurt like hell when he decides he's had enough of being with me. I've got no idea where all this doubt has come from, I've been so happy. But I just can't shake it, this is my problem- I'm way too messed up to ever be good enough for anyone. I feel my eyes closing again and I don't fight it, I'm too exhausted- physically and mentally.

I feel a hand close around my neck from behind and another hand grabbing my gun that I'm desperately hanging on to. I try to fight, feeling the hand grow tighter and tighter around my neck, struggling to catch my breath. I hear a laugh come from my attacker as I struggle against him, trying to get free. I try to scream, hoping someone will save me, but no one is coming.

"Erin! Wake up!" I'm shaken awake by a concerned looking Jay. I sit bolt upright in the bed, my heart hammering loudly in my chest. Jay puts a hand on my back, rubbing it soothingly but I flinch away from him. Looking at him I realise I've hurt his feelings, but how can I explain the fact it's a reflex reaction to him? Instead I turn away from him, climbing out of the bed and walking through to the kitchen. It's only 4am but I know I'm not going to sleep anymore, so I put some coffee on. I hear Jay's footsteps on the floor, heading in my direction. I let out a quiet sigh, I was hoping he'd just leave it because I'm really not in the mood to talk about this right now. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be in the mood to talk about this. He comes to a stop, leaning on the worktop behind me. He exhales loudly, and I can almost hear him thinking. This isn't going to be good.

Eventually, he speaks, and I really wish he hadn't. "Erin, I think you need to talk to someone about this." He says, and I feel my heart stop for a second. I take a breath, trying to control my emotions. "What are you trying to say?" I ask him, turning to face him. I thought I'd got control of my emotions, but even I can hear the acid in my voice. Jay frowns slightly, pausing before he speaks again. "Like a therapist Erin, Voight agrees-" He starts and I can't keep myself in check this time. "You and Voight have been talking about me behind my back?! How could you do this to me?!" I yell back at him. I can almost see the regret flicker across his face, clearly he wishes he'd never started this one. "Erin-" He starts again, but the anger inside me has hit boiling point. A small part of me somewhere deep down knows he's right, I can't carry on like this, but the rest of me is absolutely furious that he's dared to suggest this, let alone discuss it with Voight. "Get out." I say quietly, but the anger and betrayal is more evident in my voice than when I'd shouted. He stands his ground in front of me for a moment, until I speak again. "Get the hell out of my apartment Halstead." I growl at him, watching his face drop as he realises I'm being deadly serious. I stand in the kitchen, watching him walk across my apartment then hearing the click of the door closing behind him. I can't find the words to describe the anguish I feel, sat on the floor of my apartment alone. But maybe it's better, I'm so screwed up that he's better off without me.