In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 19

Erin's P.O.V.

He just sits there, looking at me, not saying anything. I shift my eyes away from his stare, I can't take the way he's looking at me. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I lay there for a few more minutes, waiting to see if he's going to speak or give me any indication of what's going on in his head, but he doesn't. I sigh quietly, climbing out of the bed and walking over to the wardrobe to get dressed. He still doesn't move, that is until I put my shoes on. "Where are you going?" He says, whipping around to face me. My heart drops, here we go again. "I have a job to do." I say quietly, not looking at him. I'm hoping he's not going to argue with me but I know him well enough to know he's not going to let this go. "Excuse me?" He says, getting up and walking towards me. I can't tell if it's anger in his voice or just still the surprise. "I'm going to work. I'm good at my job. This changes nothing." I say, turning on my heel and walking out of the apartment.

"Where's Halstead?" Antonio calls as I walk over to my desk. I shrug at him. He shoots a look at Olinsky that I pretend not to have seen. I keep my head down, focusing on the paperwork I have in front of me. I'm not getting much done though, my mind keeps wandering back to Jay's reaction. I don't know what I was expecting him to say, but I was hoping he'd take it better than this. I shake my head slightly, I'll deal with this later. I'm such an idiot, I should never have told him. Voight snaps me out of my thoughts. I groan internally. Normally I'd love nothing more to get out from behind this desk, but today I can't think of anything worse. Thankfully my headache has gone, although I'm on the verge of getting another one through stressing about Jay.

It's a simple enough plan, I'm supposed to pose as a runner to keep an eye on the situation. I've done it so many times before, I usually quite enjoy running but not today. I feel like I've been running forever. I look down at my watch and realise I've been jogging around this park for the past 20 minutes and nothing's happened yet. I keep going but I know I'm getting slower and slower. It's getting harder and harder to keep putting one foot in front of the other, my head is starting to spin again and I'm surprised I'm still running in a straight line. "Erin?" I can hear Voight in my ear and I try to catch my breath to reply to him. I must be more out of shape than I'd realised. "Erin? Are you ok?" He asks again. I stop running for a minute. My head is spinning like it was this morning and I don't think I'll stay upright if I carry on running. Olinsky appears next to me. "Erin?" He says, looking around at me. His voice sounds like it's coming from a really long way away. I try and focus on him but the spinning in my head is escalating again. I feel Olinsky put an arm around me to steady me before everything goes black.

I wake up on the floor in the park with the whole unit peering down at me. This is absolutely mortifying. I start trying to get up but Voight pushes me back down. "Woah stay there a minute- what happened kid?" He asks, looking concerned. I think for a minute, I've got no idea what to say to him. "I... I skipped breakfast this morning.." I lie, well actually it's not a lie. I didn't have any breakfast this morning. He shakes his head at me, taking my hand and pulling me up. "I thought you would've known better... take the rest of the day" He mutters, walking off. I look around at the rest of the unit. "Thanks Alvin.." I say, giving him a smile. He smiles back at me. "Come on, we'll drop you at home." He says and I nod gratefully.

I get Olinsky and Ruzek to drop me off at my apartment. The door has been fixed for a while, I just haven't bothered going back- I'd been happy with Jay. Now though I need some space, to clear my head. I think Jay probably does too. I should have told him straight away, but the longer I kept it to myself the scarier the thought of telling him was. I should have known he'd react like this. I'm such an idiot, now I'm going to lose him. I sit on the sofa, looking around my apartment. It seems so empty, there's no family photos like anyone else has. There's one small photo on the wall of me, Justin and Voight, but that's it. It makes me realise that besides my job I don't really have much else. I have Jay, I think to myself but there's a shadow of doubt in my mind about how true that actually is now.

My heart skips a beat as I hear a knock on the door. I know who it's going to be. Part of me wants to ignore him to avoid the confrontation and the conversation that's going to take place if I answer the door. The other part of me wants nothing more than to open the door and for him to come in here and hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be ok. I get carefully to my feet, thankfully without my head spinning, and walk across to the door. I take a deep breath before I slowly open the door. I can do this, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

He doesn't say anything as I open the door, just stepping quickly inside. I can tell he's afraid I'm going to slam the door in his face. We stand there awkwardly, just inside my front door. I lean back against the wall, looking at him. He looks up at me, and we both just stand there, each waiting for the other to speak. He pulls his hands out from behind his back and holds up a bag of chinese food. "Peace offering?" He says and I can't help but smile. We walk through to the kitchen and he takes out the food. I know we're both avoiding the conversation we desperately need to have but I've got no desire to bring it up. I'd much rather just sit and eat the food quietly. "So, Voight called me..." Jay says and I groan quietly. I should've known Voight would have done that. He carries on talking before I can say anything. "You need to be careful Erin, please?" He turns to face me and I can see the worry in his eyes. I nod, he's right. It's not fair on anyone, especially Jay. He starts to put the food on to plates. I love chinese food, but as the smell of it wafts through the apartment it makes my stomach churn. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, which only makes it worse. "Erin?" I feel Jay's hand on my back. I shake my head at him, then turn and run through the apartment to the bathroom.

I smile sheepishly at Jay as I walk back into the kitchen. "Sorry about that..." I say and he laughs quietly, handing me a glass of water. I lean against the worktop and look at Jay. "I guess we should probably have that conversation..." I say slowly and he nods. I know we need to talk but I really don't want to have to face the reality. Jay walks towards me and takes my hand, gently pulling me over to the sofa. I sit down next to him and pull my knees up to my chin. "It's going to be ok you know" He says confidently, and I just wish I could believe it like he does. I look across at him and smile weakly, trying to find the words to explain to him. He sits there looking at me expectantly. It's making my heart race just thinking about it, the fear of him walking out and leaving me. I try and shake it off. I can do this. He said he'd be here no matter what, I'll just have to trust him to stick to it.