In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 12

Erin's P.O.V.

It's weird, being back at Voight's, I don't tend to come back here much anymore. It holds a lot of memories for me, of those first few days with Voight, of the struggle he went through to try and keep me on the right path. I owe him everything for what he did for me, I know that. But sitting here, looking at these four familiar blue walls I feel like a scared and frightened teenager again. I've over reacted to what Jay said, I'm well aware of that. I should just apologise, but I can't make myself do it. It's childish of me, but I need some time. I need to clear my head, try and get my thoughts straight in my head. I lie back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. I spent hours like this when I was younger, staring at the white ceiling, thinking about pretty much everything in my life. I can feel my eyes drooping closed, the tiredness setting in as a result of so many nights without proper sleep.

I can feel them all looking at me, staring, whispering and laughing. I look down at the ground and move quickly through the halls, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. I thought I'd got away from my past when I'd moved in with Voight. He'd gotten me in to this school and I'd just made up who I was. Anything had to be better than people knowing the truth. So I'd lied, said I was staying with Voight while my parents were travelling, and it was great for a while. I was doing everything I'd ever dreamed of, finally had a normal life. But someone found out that I was lying, and trust me- no one in high school ever looks at you the same when they find out that you're a street kid and that your Dad's in jail and your Mom's a junkie. I pull my jacket up around me, trying to cover my face as a rush through the halls. I can feel their eyes on me, hear their whispers. I guess I can wave my normal life goodbye yet again.

My eyes snap open again, and I feel the relief wash through me. Thank God it was just a dream. I hear a light tapping on the door. "Can I come in?" Voight calls quietly through the door. He's opened the door before I can even get my words out. He sits down on the edge of the bed, looking at me. I can tell from his facial expression he's worrying, and I feel guilty. He doesn't need to be worrying about me. "I just... I don't know anymore Voight... I just don't know.." I whisper and he smiles at me sadly. He puts a hand on my arm and shakes his head slightly. "You need to talk to him Erin. He's worried about you. This has been hard on him too y'know?" He says it tentatively, as though he's waiting for me to explode again.

I'm not angry this time though, it's just a feeling of sadness that's left. The fact that I'm this messed up that I can't let anyone in. That I find it easier to scream at Jay and push him away than to let him in to what's going on in my head. I nod my head slowly and Voight frowns at me slightly. "I'm serious Erin, either you talk to him or I will." He says firmly, before getting up and walking out of the room. I sit there for a moment, resting my chin on my knees. Voight's right, I need to get up off my ass, to go and talk to Jay. But I don't want him to look at me any differently, I don't want him to look at me like those kids in high school did. Just the thought of him looking at me like that, halfway between pity and disgust makes me feel sick.

I'm still sat there, staring into space hours later when Voight comes back. "I've brought you a visitor." He says, clearing his throat. I jump visibly at the sound of his voice. I'd been totally lost in thought. It takes me a moment to digest his words. I look up at him. If he's brought Halstead here then I'm leaving. How dare he do this?! As Voight steps back Kim peeks nervously around the door frame. "I'll leave you guys to it." Voight says, closing the door behind Kim. "We've all been worried about you!" Kim says, sitting down on the bed next to me. I give her a half smile. "Sorry, I've got a lot on my mind..." I trail off, looking at her. "I know Erin, that's why I'm here.... And can I just say, I nearly had a freaking heart attack when Platt said Voight wanted to see me! I was convinced I'd done something wrong!" Kim exclaims, and my smile is a little more genuine this time. I'd forgotten how much I love Kim.

There's a few moments pause before Kim speaks again. "So, you gonna tell me what's going on here? Halstead looked like he'd seen a ghost." Kim says quietly, crossing her legs as she sits opposite me on the bed. I feel my heart skip slightly as she says his name. I'd never wanted to hurt him, quite the opposite actually. I look up at her, and she smiles encouragingly. I hesitate for a few moments. I never talk to anyone about my past, not even Jay knows the whole thing and I'm not entirely sure I really want to tell her. "I... I can't Kim, I'm sorry... I just- I don't talk about this. Ever. and..." I trail off, unsure of what to say next. She just smiles at me, much to my relief. "That's fine- but you can at least tell me what happened with Halstead!" She says, putting a hand on my knee. I look at her, and I know I can trust her, something I've always been frightened to do. It makes me sad as my mind wanders, wondering if Jules would be sat here with me now instead if she'd made it. I snap back in to reality and look at Kim. She's right, I need to talk to someone about this.

I take a deep breath and clear my throat, struggling with my words. I've never been good at conversations like this, the whole concept of sharing emotion is just entirely alien to me. "I- I'm sorry... It's pretty stupid Kim, trust me. We had this stupid fight and... I've been having nightmares... They started off being about the attack, but now it's just so much more... And they're about things I never talk about... Things I never wanted to remember... And I don't want to tell him Kim.... I don't want him to look at me the way all those other people did... Is that so wrong of me?" My voice is almost a whisper by the end, I almost don't want to hear her answer. "What is it that makes you so scared to open up to him Erin? He cares." She says quietly, looking at me. I blink back the tears in my eyes as I try and work out what to say to her. "Because everyone always leaves me in the end." I say quietly, my voice raw with the emotion. It's true, all the broken promises, all the friends that said they'd be there forever and no matter what happened. They never stuck around and why would Jay be any different. No one wants to be stuck with someone as messed up as me. Kim shakes her head sadly and puts her arms around me, pulling me close as the tears spill down my cheeks. "That's not true Erin. You know that." She whispers in my ear as she holds me tight. 'I'd love to believe her, but what's the point in getting my hopes up only to have them crushed yet again?

Jay's P.O.V.

Driving back from the precinct I debated going to a bar and getting so drunk that this was all just a distant memory. I stopped myself though, I'm not stupid enough to believe that me drowning it in alcohol is the solution to this problem. I need to give her time and space, she'll talk when she's ready- that's what Voight told me. In principle, I know he's right but I'm really struggling not to drive over there and beg her to let me in. At least I know she's safe with Voight, but it doesn't compare to the feeling of having her in my arms and knowing she's safe. I've got so used to her being there with me all the time, my bed felt weirdly empty this morning. I rolled over, to the space where Erin usually is and was met by cold and empty sheets.

I sit on the sofa, staring at the tv which is playing a film which hasn't caught my attention at all. All I can think about is her. I've picked up my phone a few times, my fingers hovering over the keys to dial her number. I put it back down again though, reminding myself to give her some space. My heart leaps as I hear a knock on the front door, I have to remind myself to keep my excitement in check because the odds are this isn't going to be the person I want it to be. Much to my shock, when I open my apartment door I find a very tired looking Erin Lindsay standing on the other side. She steps through the door and in to my apartment without either of us saying anything. She turns to face me and we stand there, facing eachother in silence- each waiting for the other to speak.

I don't say anything, convinced anything I say will be the wrong thing. "I'm sorry... I owe you an explanation for this Jay, I really do... But I can't... at least not right now... Maybe one day..... But you need to know... I'm so, so sorry Jay... But we can't do this.... I'm sorry." Her voice is barely audible at the end of her sentence. I'm left stood there, absolutely dumbstruck by what's just happened. She steps towards me, gently presses her lips to my cheek and then she's gone, out of the door before I even get the chance to process what just happened.