In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 16

"Almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away."

Erin's P.O.V.

I hear his footsteps, then the click of the door closing. I stand there for a few moments, staring at the wall in front of me. How did it come to this? I honestly thought that it was going to be happy ever after, like some kind of fairy tale. I don't think I've ever been as happy as the time I've spent with Jay, everything just felt so right. It took everything I had in me to send him away, but I can't do this to him. He might say he doesn't care about what I've done now, but sooner or later I'll end up hurting him. It's for the best, that's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway. I look around the room again, wondering what to do. My eyes come to rest on the bag sat in the corner of the room. Maybe getting away for a few days would help. Maybe then I'll finally be able to clear my head, maybe me and Jay can go back to being friends and everything can go back to normal.

I grab the bag off the floor, quickly packing the clothes that have accumulated at Voight's during the time I've been staying with him. I pull the clothes out of the draws and shove them in to the bag quickly, I want to get out of here before Voight comes back- or worse still Halstead comes back to try again. This is bringing back the memories of the night I left my home and came to live with Voight. Shoving the few belongings I had into a bag as quickly as I could, trying to get out before my parents came back from whatever they'd been doing that night. I shake the memories off, now isn't the time. This is different, I need to remember that.

It doesn't take me as long as I expect. I'm out the door and in my car long before Voight gets home. I start driving without any real idea of where I'm going. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I mean seriously, what am I supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life hiding from my feelings? I love Chicago, I love my job, I love.... no I can't think about that right now. This needs to stop. Then I realise where I am. Without even thinking about it I've driven to his house. I stop the car outside and just sit there for a minute, thinking. I shouldn't do this, I told myself I wouldn't. It's for his own good, he's better off without me. The problem is, the longer I sit here the more I want to go and knock on his door, to talk to him and beg for forgiveness.

The knock on the window makes me jump, I'd been totally lost in thought. I look around and there he is. My heart is racing and my mouth has gone dry. I just stare at him, no words forming in my mouth at all. He opens the door to the car and stands there, looking at me for a moment. He realises pretty quickly that I don't know what to say to him. He takes my hand from the steering wheel, pulling me gently out of the car. I follow him, even though my head is screaming at me not to. This is a bad idea, I just can't convince myself of that. Maybe I could be good enough for him, maybe things could work out.... No. I need to stop thinking like that. I'll hurt him, just like I end up hurting everyone else. He keeps hold of my hand tightly, and I know he's not going to let me leave without any explanation at all.

He pulls me along, all the way in to his apartment where I sit awkwardly on the edge of his sofa. I'm grateful for the beer he passes me, my mouths never been so dry- besides I might need more than a little liquid courage if I'm going to tell him everything. He just sits there, looking at me, watching and waiting. My heart is still hammering in my chest, the words just won't come out. "Do you remember when we first started working together?" I blurt out, needing to break the silence. Maybe if i just start talking the words will come out without me even thinking. He nods at me, a smile on his face. I can't help but smile to. It seems like such a long time ago. "I have to admit, you kinda scared me!" He laughs, looking at me. I laugh to, remembering that day. "Not as much are your driving scared me!" I laugh, punching his arm playfully. That was the one and only time I'd ever let him drive while we were working, I'd said never again at the time and he thought I was joking- I wasn't.

It's weird, sitting here like this everything seems so normal. It's as though nothing ever happened, like we're back in a time when we used to spend nearly every evening together after work, when we used to laugh and joke about everything. I hadn't realised how much I've missed this. "I'm sorry." I blurt it out, I need to let these words tumble out before I can stop them. He deserves the truth. The smile fades from his face and he looks at me seriously, which nearly makes me lose my words all over again. He smiles slightly, encouraging me. "I'm so sorry, I just.... I'm not good enough for you.... and you might say now that you don't care what I've done, how screwed up I am- but trust me Jay, one day it's going to matter. One day you'll wake up and realise that you can do so much better and you'll leave me... I can't deal with that, so maybe it's better this way...." The words come out so quickly I wonder if there's anyway he could have understood that for a moment.

He moves closer to me, putting his hand over the top of mine. I fight the urge to pull it back. I look up at him, meeting his eyes. "Erin- please. I don't know how I can prove it to you- none of it matters! We've all done things we aren't proud of, but you've got past it. You're a totally different person now! You can't let what you did as a teenager stop you from ever letting anyone in." He says quietly, without looking away from my eyes. My mouth has gone dry again, can I really believe him? I'd love nothing more than for this to be the truth. "When I was on the floor, in that warehouse-" I see him wince as he remembers, but I carry on. "I was laying there and you know what my two biggest regrets were?" I ask him. He shakes his head, waiting for me to continue. "That we'd never made a go of things. That we'd never tried, and that I'd never know how it felt. I can honestly say Jay, I've never been so happy as the time we spent together, but that's what makes it even worse. It's going to break my heart when you leave" I say quietly, ducking my head down again.

He's quiet for a minute. "That's only one!" He says suddenly. I look back up at him and frown. "That's only one thing- you said your two biggest regrets." He says, looking at me, waiting. I hadn't even realised I'd said that. I never talk about my parents, not even to Voight. But I have to admit there's a part of me that's curious, that wonders why they never even tried to find me. If they just didn't care or if there was something more. "My parents." It comes out as a whisper, and I see Jay's face soften. He doesn't ask why, but I tell him anyway. I've been keeping this a secret for so long it feels kind of nice to let it out. "I'd just like to find them one day. I'd like to know why, to understand." I explain, even though hasn't asked me to. He nods, squeezing my hand slightly. "I understand, it's not something you should be ashamed of." He says, looking at me again. I smile back at him, moving closer. I rest my head against his shoulder and we just sit there quietly for a few minutes.

"I want to be able to believe you Jay, I really do-" I start, it's easier in a way to talk to him like this, without him looking at me. That way I don't have to look into his eyes and watch his expression change. I don't get the chance to finish my sentence though, he cuts me off. "Then believe me Erin, it's as simple as that. I haven't let you down or abandoned you yet, so what makes you think I'm going to do it in the future? Have a little faith!" He says, putting an arm around me. I don't answer his question straight away. "I used to daydream all the time when I was kid.... About what it'd be like... To fall in love, to have a normal life.... but there came a point where I realised that things like that were never going to happen to people like me.... Where I realised I'd probably end up like my mum- cold and lonely and popping pills just to numb the pain." I don't even really mean to say it out loud, I'm just thinking. "You aren't her Erin- you never will be." Jay says firmly, putting a finger under my chin and guiding my head up towards his. As I sit there, looking in to his eyes I want to believe him so desperately. I know deep down he's right. I'm not like her, maybe I can be happy. I pull myself closer to him and he leans towards me, gently pressing his lips to my own. Maybe he's right, maybe I can have the fairytale I always dreamt of.