I Feel Empty(Kim Namjoon)

I'm a monster😢

BTS, was only weeks away from one of their biggest concerts yet. And they were all ready for it. They have been practicing for hours in one session.
Since Namjoon, not eating, it was really hard for him to keep up. Without passing out. But he kept it good.

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A couple weeks later. (One day before their concert)

Namjoon was in his room. Writing in his journal. He has gotten strange text messages, he assumed it was his step father. So Namjoon would just ignore them. He was been going out less. And less. He has been stuck in his room more and more. He has been cutting his wrist for the past couple of months. As he was writing in his journal. He heard a knock on the door.

"Namjoon, hurry up. You'll be late for our last practice." Said Jin, softly.

Namjoon stoped writing, as he heard Jin's sweet voice.

"Ok hyung. I'll be there shortly",he said.

Namjoon got up and walked out of his room, forgetting that he left his journal wide open. And the door as well. Jin saw the door open. And went in to talk to his Namjoon. But when he wasn't there, Jin was about to leave. But something caught his interest. Namjoon's journal. He knew that it would be wrong to read it. But he couldn't help it.

He read the page, when Namjoon had his nightmare, a few months back. As he read the journal, Jin began to tear up. Reading that Namjoon was suicidal, and hadn't eaten in months, almost made Jin yell. He wondered why he didn't notice the signs. "Why" he thought. Then he read the last page, Namjoon wrote. The one he was writing in just now. It read:

Dear diary,
You know why people cut themselves? It's because it's a distraction. For one moment you don't feel all the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is that Razor going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arms, legs, stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or how fat and ugly you are. You don't think about the way people talk about you Behind your back. You don't think about how your family is fighting or how your friends hate you. All you think about is blood. And the addicting part? Well that's when the hurt and pain comes back. When the cut isn't fresh and you feel all the build up of your sadness and loneliness inside you. So you have to do it again, and again. Till the pain stops, but the thing is, it never stops. The pain never leaves. So you have to cut yourself over and over again. But only a little deeper. A little deeper everytime. So the numbness will last longer. The pain inside you will get delayed longer. And as the pain gets worse and worse you have to make the pain outside worse and worse. It's all about control. You have it. You can't control the pain on the inside, so you get control of the pain on the outside. You make sure that no one notices, that makes it seem as if you really are taking control, or that your friends don't pay enough attention to you. To notice your suffering. Even the one person that you love, hasn't noticed anything....

After reading this, Jin began to cry. "How could I have been such an idiot. Not knowing that my love is suffering," he whimpered.

After a few minutes he calmed himself down. And left Namjoon's room. And joined everyone else, to go to practice.

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As they finished dancing, Jin noticed Namjoon out of breath. So he went up to him and hugged him and gave him a bottle of water.
As he hugged Namjoon, Jin couldn't help but feel guilty.

'Wow' Namjoon thought. 'Jin is hugging me, I feel so happy😊'

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When they got home, Tae and Jungkook, fell on the couch. Hobi, laughed as he went to the bathroom, to take a shower. Jimin, basically had to drag Yoongi, up to his bedroom, since he was already asleep. Namjoon, went straight up to his room. And Jin, went to the kitchen to make something to eat. By then it was already 11:55pm. Everyone was asleep. Except for Namjoon. He was tired. But he didn't want to go to sleep. So he got up. And went to the bathroom. He got on the scale.

43kg. He looked into the mirror he saw what he had become. He saw his rib cage. He saw how little He had become.  He began to to cry.  He opened the medicine cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of pills. And ran back to his room.

He was about to take the pills, when he heard a soft voice coming from outside his room. Jin. He heard Namjoon cry, he heard Namjoon cry, so he went to investigate.

"Namjoon, are you okay?"

Namjoon did anwser, he only sobbed. Jin opened the door and ran up to Namjoon, not noticing the bottle oc pills on the bedstand, and started holding and hugging him. As Jin hugged Namjoon, Jin thought he was hugging a skeleton. He knew why.

Then Namjoon  whimpered, "I'm a monster. I'm a monster."....