I Feel Empty(Kim Namjoon)

"I just want my demons to stop haunting me"

*long title but whatever😃*

Namjoon was tired. He layed his head back and slowly started to drift to sleep. He just wanted to go some place that wouldn't hurt him. As Namjoon drifted off to sleep, he seemed to notice that his counsious was dark. It's is usually filled with some sort recognition. Like a distant memory that has faded over the years. But he couldn't see anything. He could not hear any sounds.  It was strange. Trapped in darkness, which is the world. 

He saw nothing. No color. No light. Nothing familiar, except for the darkness. It was strange. Namjoon couldn't feel anything. As if he had nothing apart of it. He opened his eyes, and looked around his room. His head started to hurt. Namjoon moaned in frustration. He walked out of his room, and into the living room. He saw Yoongi, and  Jungkook watching tv.

"Hi Hyung"Jungkook said

"Hey Kookie" Namjoon replied triedly.

"Are you ok? You seem frustrated"Yoongi said yawning

"I'm fine"

"You sure"Kookie asked

"I'm fine Kookie"

Namjoon was aggravated, he didn't know why but he was. He just wanted to rest but he couldn't. He didn't know why.

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it"Namjoon said

Namjoon opened the door. Only to find his nightmare.

"Package for Kim Namjoon" he said

Namjoon gasped at the sight of seeing his step father.

His step  father smiled at his scared step son. "Sign here"

"Oh my god" Namjoon said barely breathing.

He started coughing hardly. He couldn't breathe.

Yoongi and Jungkook saw Namjoon, on his knees, coughing his lungs out. They ran up to him and called Jin for help.

Namjoon was now in tears, seeing his step father.

"Namjoon what's wrong"asked Yoongi concerned.

Namjoon pointed to where his step father was. But who was now gone. Only leaving the package.

Jin came running after hearing Namjoon was in distress.

"Namjoon calm down. Calm down. It's only the mail man" Jin said rocking him slowly

"Mail man? You mean he has come here before?"

"Yes. Multiple times. Namjoon what's wrong what happened?"

Namjoon was silent. He didn't know how to explain what happened. What happened now, what happened years ago, as a child.

"Namjoon, please tell us?"Jin begged, looking at Yoongi, Jungkook and Hobi, who came running after hearing the commotion.

"I'm scared."Namjoon mumbled

"Of what?" Jungkook asked

"Him"

"Namjoon, please. You have to tell us what you mean."Jin said

"Its to much. I can't tell everyone."

"You don't have to tell all of us. You can just tell one of us"Hobi said

Namjoon took a moment of consideration. He was terrified of revealing his past. Jin doesn't even know.

"Yoongi. I'll tell Yoongi" he said nervously

"Oh okay. Uhh.. I'll go make us some tea, and we'll talk in my room. Is that okay?" Yoongi said surprised. He was surprised that Namjoon picked him instead of Jin.

Namjoon only nodded

"Okay, Hobi can you lead Namjoon to my room? I need to talk to jin for a minute."

"Yeah sure" Hobi said lifting up Namjoon.

"Jin"Yoongi said walking into the kitchen.

"What did you want to talk about"Jin said boiling the water for the tea

"I don't know, I mean,I just don't know what to expect from Namjoon. I don't what he's going to tell me. And I have no idea how to react. So I was hoping if you could maybe catch me up on Namjoon's life. If you know anything."

"I mean, there are a lot of stuff that happened in Namjoon's life. I don't know what he's going to tell you. I know some things that have happened, but  I don't think I could ever explain to you or anybody what he has been through. But what he will tell you is probably going to be deep and meaningful."

"Oh, ok. Just thought I should ask."

Yoongi carried the tea upstairs. He served some to Namjoon then to himself. 

"So..you wanna talk?" Asked Yoongi

Namjoon sighed. He hasn't even told him about his step father. (Jin does know  because he read Namjoon journal) he didn't know how he was going to explain everything to Yoongi. Namjoon's eyes started to water.

"Its okay. Don't cry, I'm here. "Yoongi said hugging Namjoon.

"I--i was 9 maybe 10 years old. My mother just remarried. And the man she married was the man at the door earlier. And the reason that I had a panic attack, was that he mentally, physically, and-and sexually  abused me as a child. He did things to me that I've never told anybody. Not my mom, nor Jin. One day he was fired from his job. He came home, and started yelling at my mom, blaming her for him being fired. I went to get a glass of water, and I saw them arguing. My mom was crying and my step father was yelling at her. I dropped my glass at the sight. He looked at me with crazed eyes. He walked up to me, I was scared and ran up to my room, he opens the door and came at me. He started hitting me, punching me, and kicking me. That was the first out of many abusive moments in my life. A few years later, my mom told me that she was leaving. And never coming back. I started arguing with her, yelling that she didn't love me. That was the last thing I ever said to her. 'I thought you loved me'.  My step father blamed me for her leaving. One day I tried to escape. I tried to crawl out of my window and take a train to Seoul. But he walked in on me when I tried to. He grabbed me, punched me, kicked me in the stomach, gave me black eyes. He locked me down in the basement for days. I was on at a breaking point. I tried killing myself when I was 11. I ended up escaping form the basement and I ran away. The first day that I ran away from home, I saw a bunch of people crowding around some one. I went to go see what was going on. And I was my mom. She-she was de-de-dead. She shot herself. I still have that memory of her. In a pool of blood. I never gave you a proper 'good bye'. A few weeks later, I went to a farmer's market, to steal some food since I didn't have any money. I walked around and found some one selling smoothies and strawberries dipped in chocolate. I was about to take some strawberries when I saw the man's face. It was my step father. He gave me an evil grin. I couldn't even take my strawberries. I just ran. I ran away from the market as fast as I could. I was terrified. I still am. And every time I see some one looking like him, I just start to go into a panic. Yoongi, I'm scared. For life. The memories of him are always in my head. He haunts me. I see him. Taunting me."

It took Yoongi a moment to let all the information sink in. What Namjoon was telling him was deep. It was somehow mesmerizing how Namjoon managed to stay strong all these years.  As Namjoon was saying all this, he wouldn't stop crying. The fact that he is still afraid of the same man for about 10 years haunted Namjoon's conscience.

Yoongi couldn't say anything. He was speechless. All he did was hug Namjoon. He hugged him as if it were the last one he would ever get.

"I just want my demons to stop haunting me."

*So Bts just released the "Fake Love"Mv and it is so cool. The song is amazing ❤