Loving Lucian ✅

Chapter Forty Two

Peyton James

Fuck, I was doing horrible without Lucian. I basically told him I didn't want to even look at his face or hear his voice or even think about him anymore, and he replied with the most depressing passive little 'okay'. Which basically told me that I'm a piece of shit and that I'm a monster for all I've done to him. And really, I was. I felt like I should be awaiting death sentence just Dean would be. I just knew he was going to get death.

I had a second heart attack, I didn't know I had a first one but okay. Then I started getting a dramatic increase in heart rate, so I had to take drugs that would slow my heart down. I had to battle the press, they kept telling nurses to ask me of they could have an interview, and eventually I gave up and called Maxwell so could be with me in case I broke down in the middle of it and he could answer for me if that happened. It didn't, but it almost did.

I told them what they didn't want to hear, full detail of what's happening with Lucian, I simply told them that we were postponing the wedding until we got the Rory situation handled and taken care of. They asked about Dean and I gave up my backstory without revealing any new case details. And boy did they publicize that story. I kept getting mail from people who are 'fans' of Lucian and I as a couple, and apparently since I've appeared professionally in Bachelor magazine and Bachlorette magazine and on the red carpet about three times, I'm suddenly a 'celebrity' with a fan base. The mail included things such as 'get well soon' cards, pacifiers, newborn onesies and hats, and heartfelt letters on how much people empathize with me and hope Lucian and I get better together.

It was honestly really sweet, and I spent my remaining boring days in the hospital writing people back, putting Maxwell's kindness to good use by making him send them out for me. And of course, the press went off about it.

I heard that when they went to get Lucian's point of view on the last few weeks, he said almost the same thing as me, except adding that when he was told about my past with Dean, how his caring for me led us into being a couple in the first place and we blossomed from there. Then they came to get my confirmation on that, and I agreed without hesitation, almost crying being reminded of our relationship and the difference between now and then.

The day I was released from the hospital, Bachelor magazine and Bachlorette magazine (sister company) asked me to come in and let them take pictures of me naked from the side so they could show the whole wide world my baby bump (not exactly what they said, but basically it in a nutshell). I said that I'd come in when I felt well enough to, which was soon.

I waited days to go back to Lucian's pent. I was nervous, because I didn't want to see the looks of Jann and Amos, I didn't want Lucian to randomly decide to come home as I was entering or leaving, I knew his mother had been taking care of him so I didn't want to see her give me pleading looks, wanting me to take Lucian back. I knew he didn't want me back, I broke his heart worse than Nina ever did, and she used him for sex and money and pretended to be in love with him when she'd really fallen out of love. Of course he didn't want me. If he did, he was out of his mind.

Thinking these thoughts made me wish I had died in that surgery, that those doctors didn't yell 'clear' and shock me to life. But this was because I went two weeks without my pills. Deprivation of my antidepressants made my disorders and conditions increase in harshness.

Then finally that Friday, I left my parents' house with determination and 'fake it 'till you make it' confidence. I took a taxi ('cause I'm safe now, they caught Dean's snipers just a few days ago trying to leave the damn country) to Lucian's penthouse and getting there, my stomach dropped. I prayed Mariana wasn't here, and that Amos and Jann would decide to let me be.