Love and War

Untitled Part 40

y/ns POV 

we watched tv with the girls till they fell asleep. my mom decided me and Colby should stay home from school. so we did when the girls where asleep me and Colby made our way to my bedroom. I went into my bathroom and got changed into something comfy. just a giant hoodie and some booty shorts. I came back out of the bathroom and Colby was passed out on the couch. 

Colby always sleeps on my bed when he's over I guess not today. I brushed this weird situation aside and got into bed cuddling up with my teddy bear. I was under the covers with my fan blowing against my face. my thoughts were racing as I sat trying to sleep but I couldn't all I could think about was today and what has happened.  

(trigger warning) 

you killed him

colby doesn't need you

you don't deserve to live

you should have been the one to die

I didn't kill him, Colby loves me if he didn't need me then why is he here and I should have been the one to die because the world doesn't need me. 

you should have died, but you didn't, so do it now. 

 no im not doing that, not now, not ever. 

but you love the way it feels just once

just once that's it 

i got up out of my bed and tiptoed over to my bathroom. i shut the door making sure i don't wake Colby. i open the medicine cabinet and there it is the blade, actually the knife. The knife Samual Goldbach used to cut himself not too long ago. i gripped it in my hand shutting the cabinet. i stared at it in my hand before opening it. i put it up to my wrist pressing lightly. i looking into the mirror in front of me. staring into my own eyes. 

'DO IT' the voice inside my head screams as my heart tried to stop me. Time had frozen and everything slowed except my heartbeat. My heart rate had fastened beating faster by the minute. I did as the voice said and watched myself through the reflective mirror as i smoothly slid the sharp silver blade across my four-arm in one swift motion. I watched the blood drip down and i liked the sight of the blood splattering on the tile floor underneath. The voice was right i did like the pain. with ever cut more i made a thought about wh I made it. 

1.i killed my bestfriend 

2.colby doesnt love me

3.i should have died, but didnt 

4.im gly

5.im fat

6.no one loves me

7.im desperate

8.im cutting and i shouldn't be

and with that 8th cut, the room started to spin i watched myself through the mirror as i became dizzier and dizzier. the blood was pouring out and i knew i took this way to far, but it was to late it was to late to save myself or for anyone to save me, it was to lat to save sam it to late for me to save anything. I've destroyed it all my love, my friend, myself. 

Word Count: 525