I am NOT your fan | EXO CHEN

14. Memory of the wind

Song: Memory of the Wind - NAUL

'The unfinished memories of life inside of me, when they bump against and pass me by, I will look over there. Our trust, our love, the eternal promise. If you remember me, then strongly walk forth. Our meets, our separations, the faded memories. If you loved me, then smile.'

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I have never sung for anyone before, but somehow, I agreed to do that for him. I recreated the tune in my head, tapping at my knees to get to the rhythm and started singing with the chorus. "Put your hand on my head, tell me 'you'll be okay'~ Put your hand around me, tell me 'just believe me'..."

My emotions were pouring into the lyrics as I sang. I've made many songs on my own before, but none was as special and meaningful to me as this one. This was a piece I spent an entire week working on and it was easy to invest my feelings into it because it was so relatable to my past. The past that was my darkest, that reminded me of the childish person I was before.

I wasn't aware of how deep I dug into my vulnerable past but it happened in the process of my song-writing when I was considering Jongdae's outlook in life. My intention was to reflect his current state of mind and attitude into the song but it unintentionally portrayed hints of my scar instead.

Complicated, I know.

The inadvertent conclusion was that I found my old self relating to Jongdae's current negative state because I noticed several times that there was something about him I had to be cautious about. He doesn't say it but he always sounded like a lonely person.

Once, he even cussed about how people would act like they care when they don't. It irked me every time I thought about how wrong he is because I used to feel the same way too. And I still hate that part of me today - I hate the younger me that was selfish for myself, the young me that only knew how to be stubborn about everything.

Back to the days when I thought I was the only miserable soul...

I denied the love given to me, I denied her efforts and I blamed her for the lack of care she never gave me. I thought doing so would make her realise how much she was going to lose me. I merely wanted more love and attention.

But she always claimed to be busy with work, and gradually, she stopped coming home at night. I suspected that she had an affair, to the point where she gave up on this single-mothered family to pursue her second love. Her excuse was that she had a lot of work to do, but not coming home for an entire week meant that something was fishy. Some days, she acted as if she cared. Some days, she was nowhere I could find her.

On my 14th birthday, she didn't turn up too. She was out of sight and out of reach. I always wished that a day like that wouldn't come because to me, it would prove how little she really cared or even loved me.

A day after my birthday she finally came home but she returned empty-handed. I was expecting a present from her at least, she could have done that much, but she didn't. I got so mad that each time she tried to talk to me, I was screaming into her face.

'Baby please... don't do this...' She pleaded me with teary eyes, but I didn't believe the tears were for me.

'Do what? What am I doing? Can't I get mad? You don't even care about my feelings! All you care about is yourself!' I yelled furiously at her. 'I don't care about you either. You know, I may not have a dad, but I can live without a mom too!'

Those were the last words I spat at her before storming out of the house. Of course, it was the worst choice I have ever made.

I stayed over at Mel's house that night - she was already my close friend I knew from school, and I was without any belongings, not even my phone. I only decided to return home the next day and it was no surprise that the house was empty without her again.