Silent Memories

Lost

Some mornings, I wake up crying. My dreams affect me, almost every little thing does. Sometimes, I just wished that I could forget about everything, or lose my memory, just so I could forget about things that happened... Things that pulled me into darkness. But how could they? I knew some scars never faded. 

I got ready for school although I wanted to be away, away from people. But I had to maintain my attendance so had no choice. I headed out without having breakfast as I was late, yet again. And I felt lucky since I didn't fall while I was on the way. But as soon as I reached school, I went back to how I was this morning. Evan came soon and sat beside me.

"Hey!" he said, smiling.

I should've smiled back but I couldn't. 

"I'm actually not in a mood to talk. So, could you please go?"

His smile faded away and I could see how worried he was.

"Are you alright?"

I ignored the question for some time and then said yes. 

"So you're not going to tell me what happened?" 

I looked down as everything came in my mind again, and tears found a way out of my eyes. 

"See? You're not alright. Just tell me what happened!"

Taking out a piece of paper, I wrote down.

"I'm sick of being worthless. I'm sick of being the only one who can't do anything! All I can do is watch people make memories and smile with the people they care about. Although I do feel happy for them, it also makes me feel worse." 

I just couldn't write more. So, I stopped and handed it to him. He read it, wrote down something and handed it back to me.

"Yeah... I understand."

Those were the words I hated. I just didn't get how people said that they understood even when they didn't know a single thing. I wrote something down and regretted it as soon as I handed it to him.

"No, you don't... You don't understand how it feels like... It's like being in complete darkness with no light of hope. It feels terrible!"

"You can talk about it. It might make you feel better."

"Better? How? Don't you get it? It feels even worse when I do that because I get to know who little people understand me."

"But keeping it all inside of you would only kill you inside.."

That's when I started thinking even more and came to the realization. 

"I was already dead from inside.." 

"What do you mean? Look, you seriously should talk about this. Maybe I or any other friend could make you feel better. You know friends always get people back to normal!" He wrote down, trying to make me smile. But I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"I don't even know who I am anymore.."

"You're not even making sense right now."

"It's that since I couldn't make friends easily, I changed myself according to who people wanted me to be... And now, I'm lost. I don't know who the normal me is anymore.

I need time alone. Just go, please! And I'm sorry if I sounded rude."

As he finished reading that, he listened to what I said and went. And I knew where I was going this time. To the washroom, of course, because I didn't want anyone to notice my tears. 

I knew that I was lost, lost in the darkness... Sometimes, I thought that there was no light of hope and yet, I kept on hoping for some reason. I kept on waiting for someone to pull me out of my loneliness. I thought finding someone who could do that would end the suffering. But I also knew that some things never changed...

Some things are just a part of the person and don't go away no matter how hard one tries... And yet, we people keep on trying. In the end, all I could do was hope to smile without faking it, soon.