If Only

The football game

When we got there we went and sat down. But by half time I was restless and want to go home. I told Megan and she took me to the park and we went on the swings. I was starting to feel better. After I jumped off the swing I laid down on the grass and looked up at the sky. When Megan laid down next to me. I slipped away to another time.

We had just got to the football game but we only came for the park. My friends and I walked over to the park. I got on the swings  for a little bit then we all went to sit down on the grass. We talked and played truth or dare. We had a great time. Katie kissed her boyfriend. Camielle started to date someone that night.  Kids from the opposing school showed up they were about our age but o so cocky. They started throwing wood chips. And Katie got ready to fight. Then we saw the janitor and ran. It was so funny at the end. We got hot cocoa. And went back to Camielles house. We talked and just plain had fun. It was the best night of my life.

When I came back to reality tears were silently streaming down my cheeks.  And Megan was telling a story from her childhood. I heard the crowd cheering in the background. I let out a quiet sob. That's when Megan noticed I was crying.  She asked why. But I couldn't explain. I couldn't get the words out. I felt a panic attack coming on. I choked out the word "purse". She ran to get my purse from my sister. I needed to take my medication. Soon after she left I saw somebody passing the park who looked familiar. He started to walk towards me.

It was my social studies teacher. He told me to breath. And he made me count all the way to one hundred. When I was done I was a little calmer and Megan arrived with my bag. I took out my pills and took two. Megan rubbed my back and told me it was okay. She felt sorry because she had to go home. But mr. Brace told her he wouldn't leave me until I was alright.

After she left Mr. Brace and I had a real conversation.  We talked about What  caused my attacked and such. By the end he understood a little better. I told him it was things that triggered memories good or bad they put my body in flight or fight mode and I start to panic. Because I feel like I've lost the people in the memories because they're not here.

He walked me to my sister and she took me home. I got right into bed and slept till noon.  The next day. Then I read the day away.

On Monday I was so tired.  I got four hours of sleep and my eyes were blood shot. And I could barely hold my head up. I went to art class and got paint all over my arms and hands from not paying attention.  And in reading I daydreamed for so long I forgot what we were talking about.

After lunch I went to geography and the whole class laughed when I got west and east mixed up. And to make it worse I tried to reason with them why and I got my left and right mixed up. I couldn't think clearly. When social studies came around he noticed how I looked and sent me down to the nurse. She let me lay down and I fell asleep instantly. When I woke up it was math class. I slept through two periods!!  When I got there I was a little late. I gave him my late slip and he gave me a small smile before I sat down. And started working.

After school I went to get my work from social studies and science. Science I missed a lab so I just got a worksheet. But in Social studies I missed two pages of notes so i had to sit there and copy them from the board. It took me thirty minutes. Before I left he handed  me a piece of paper. It was for a support group for people with anxiety and depression.  I took it silently and left.