If Only

The support group

I was debating if I should go or not. I was leaning towards no. I didn't tell my parents about it because I know they would make me go. It wasn't for another three days so I had time to think about it. The next day I had school and I was so confused and sad. I paid enough attention to not be called out in class. But not enough to learn anything. My teachers learned through the year to leave me alone. I do alright on my tests and don't bully other students so they don't care what I do during class.

I decided to go to the Stupid support group. I thought it couldn't hurt me anymore than I already am. When I got there I took a seat in the back after signing in. It wasn't really the back because it was a big circle. But the seat closest to the door. And farthest from the instructor. I kept my head down until everyone started to introduce themselves. When it came to my turn I stood up. " my name is Amanda Woodly and I'm 13 years old I struggle with anxiety. " when I sat back down I was slightly shaking just from talking in front of  a crowd. When the person two people down started introducing himself I looked up. It was mr. Brace he suffers from mild anxiety. I makes sense he's always biting his nails in class. And he never sits still. When everybody was done introducing themselves the group leader started talking to some people about there experiences and what they have been dealing  with since the last time they met. When the group was about to end and I was getting ready to leave the leader called on me. He asked me how my first group session was. It was a simple question but being around this many people that I didn't know for this long was making me anxious. I tried to smile and answer but I couldn't. My breathing starting to come in heavy and short breaths. My heart started to race. I needed to get out of there I was having a panic attack. I couldn't have it here. I turned to Mr. Brace he met my eyes and understood. I ran out and just before the door closed I heard Mr. Brace explaining why I left.

After that I wasn't sure I wanted to go back. I didn't like being around people. But something in me told me it would get better. I didn't want to believe it. I would think about it. The next day it was a Friday and I had school. Mr. Brace didn't talk about the support group or my panic attack. At the end of school I decided last minute to stay for math tutoring. I was about to fail that class and I needed to pass to stay in Honors society.

After tutoring I understood the subject a little better. But I still would not be getting an a on the test. A c at most. Math was my worst subject by far.  Before I left the school I looked into the social studies room sadly he wasn't there. I really wanted to talk to him. Another day I thought.

Tuesday morning I went to speech class. And after class I walked out of the room and shut the door. I heard a grunt behind me and jumped. I turned around and saw Mr. Brace staring out the window.  I went to stand next to him. It was a beautiful day to my standard. Everything was covered in snow. He looked at me and asked " Are you coming today?" I nodded in reply. I turned around and went to class.

The second time at the support group went a little easier. Nobody asked me any questions. And nobody brought up what happened last time I was there. I was thankful for that. I left feeling mentally drained. But I didn't mind.