If Only

Hope

The day after we arrived my grandparents took me down to the lake to swim. I changed very quickly and put a towel around my waist for after. When I made it to the end of the lake and put my toe in. I was about to drop my towel when I thought of something. I ran back to my Grandma saying we had to go back to the house. I was holding onto the towel so hard my knuckles turned white. She saw this and said, "We know hunny it's okay. It's only family here." That barely did anything to ease my mind. I
Know what happens when people see them. I hate the look of pain that they get. I turned around went back to the edge of the lake and dropped my towel. I turned around and my grandmama was right behind me ready to swim. She gave me a small smile. And I jumped in. At first i felt like I was drowning because it's been so long since I've swam. But then I remembered and kicked my legs to the surface. Grandmama was waiting there for me. I saved myself a lot of hassling from my parents by wearing a one piece, because all of my new new cuts were on my stomach.

The next day I went on walk with my Grandmama and brother. We walked up the hill and around the bend. On the other side was my old house. Tears came to my eyes at the site of it. All the memories were flashing in my head and now the place was right in front of me and it isn't even mine. I started to hyperventilate. Even my medication couldn't keep this from coming. My brother caught me as my knees gave out. He gentle set me on the ground slowly rocking me back and forth. When I'd calmed down enough to see through the tears. I really looked at the house. They had taken out the swing set that my dad had built by hand and put in a fireplace. I saw kids coming up the hill on bikes. They were the kids who lived in the house now. I quickly stood up which was a mistake because I just started to fall again. Once I'd regained my balance I hid behind grandmama who wasn't shaken up with my panic attack. Which surprised me. When the kids got to us they greeted my grandmama and brother. They couldn't really see me. Grandmama made small talk with them then passed them and started walking towards my Mimi's house just past my old one. Once she moved I was visible to the kids. I recognized them from my old school. I gave a small smile and then ran after my grandmama. I probably looked a reck with the tears streaming down my face.

When I got to Mimi's house we entered without knocking and she was sitting on the couch watching tv. She jumped up when she saw us. She engulfed us in a hug. The rest of the afternoon was peaceful.

This is how my week went visiting family and friends. But then all to soon it was time to go home. When we got home I went up into my room and started to read a book. All the time back home was great but now that it was gone I was back to grieving Samantha.

The day after I got back I went to support group. I saw Mr. Brace there. He smiled when he saw me. I nodded my head to show that I saw. But I didn't smile back. I haven't smiled since we've came back. I am back to blank eyes and monotone voices. My mom said she is thinking about inpatient and I'm just waiting for her to make the final decision.

When I got out of group I didn't want to go home. So I started walking. At first I didn't know where I was walking to but within a few minutes I had a destination. It wasn't far only like a 30 minute walk. When I got there I was mentally prepared. I looked down at Samantha's grave and wondered how a person I only knew for 4 months could have such an impact on me. She was like the sister I always wanted. I kept myself from crying but it took everything from me. I couldn't believe she wasn't here anymore. She said she was getting better. I heard footsteps behind me and turned around. It was my dad. "How'd you find me?" I asked. My father hasn't been the most supportive about anything. "Mr.Brace called and said he saw you walk in a direction that wasn't home. I thought you would be here so this was the first place I checked." I was about to cry. Being in this place was just too much.

" I know that I haven't been the most supportive but I believed that you were faking just to get attention for a long time. But then I went through your phone while you were in inpatient. And read all the nasty things people said to you and I understood that you weren't faking." He said and that did it I ran to his arms soft sobs escaping my mouth. When he hugged me all the memories of Samantha came back and I hugged him harder. It's good to remember. I'd rather remember her than forget her. We left the cemetery soon after. While dad was driving home I was thinking. About Samantha and life and death about grandma and the beginning. But most importantly I was thinking about the end.