If Only

The hospital

After I was healthy enough to be let go my parents drove me to an inpatient hospital. I'd be staying here for an unknown time. It was a special place meant for teens with eating disorders. On my first day there they gave me a room with another girl named Samantha. She was 14 and struggling with anorexia. We became friends quickly. It's been so long since I've had something in common with someone my age.

We went to lunch together that day. Meal time was the hardest part. But I kept hearing my aunt in the back of my head for grandma and for you little one I always ate at least half of my meals. I'm not allowed to have a phone here so I no longer got the messages. In all it's just really boring.

At the end of the week I get to have visitors. I can't wait to see my mom and aunt. I had to go to support group for 2 hours and now I'm walking back to my room. The leader said with the way I'm going I might be out of here in a few weeks. But once I'm out of here I'll have outpatient. Which will such but will be better than being here.

It's Friday and aunt Ellen is here. she is so proud of me for eating.  I'm starting to be happy which  is surprising. They balanced out my meds so my anxiety is low and when I'm not happy I just go fuzzy.

~2 months later~

Today is my last day in inpatient. I'm being left out. I just finished packing all my stuff and promised Samantha that I will visit her every Friday. I gave her one last hug and then walked down the hallway. A nurse escorted me to the lobby where my family waited. I gave my mom a huge hug. We left quickly though. I wanted to get away from this place. When we got home the house was set up for a party. It was nice.

After the party I went up to my room. It looked just like it did when I left. My phone was sitting on my desk. I went to turn it on but it was dead. I plugged it in and went to get a shower. I turned the water on and  checked under the sink for the scale. It was still there. I got it out and weighed myself. 120 pounds. I had to gain 20 pounds before they let me leave. I was disgusted with myself. I got in the shower.

The next morning my mother registered me for school again. I went back the day after. Everyone was staring. When I walked into Mr.Braces class he gave me a polite smile. I smiled back and took my regular seat. I had a lot to catch up on I'd missed two months of school and if I wanted to go to the next grade at the end of the year I had a lot to do. 

When I got home I saw my phone on the floor charging. I had totally forgotten about it. When I turned it on there was a message waiting for me. It was from Megan. I can't believe they finally let you out of the nuthouse psycho. I put my phone down. I didn't want to start this again. I went to my desk and started my homework. Not long after my phone went off again. I ignored it. When I was done with my school work I went downstairs for dinner. I took a smaller portion than everyone else but it was still something.

After dinner I went upstairs and decided to check my phone. I'm surprised you haven't killed yourself yet. Megan just can't let up. Why does she hate me so much? We used to be friends. A single tear ran down my cheek as I climbed into bed.

When I went to school the next day it was just like before. A lot of stares. Before I went home I checked in the back of my locker. My blue make up bag was still there. My heart started to beat faster as I took it from it's spot. I opened it and inside was my razors and bandages. I put the one of the razors and a few bandages into my backpack and left the building.

When I got home I did my school work and ate dinner. When I finished dinner I said I was going to go shower. I went into my room and got clothes and hid the razor and bandages inside them. I walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I took my blade and stepped into the water. I positioned the blade over my leg and drew it across. It wasn't very deep. But I felt better afterwards. I did it again. And again. After the shower I bandages my leg and left the bathroom. When I got back into my room I put the blade in my book-bag to take back to school. I put on a pair on pj pants and a pj shirt and went to sleep. I guess they didn't cure me like they said. Fools.