If Only

Samantha

That Friday after school I went to the inpatient center. Samantha was waiting there for me. We embraced and had a great time. She said she was getting better so she could get out. Before I left she gave me the hardest hard ever and said goodbye like it was going to be forever. I left soon after. When I got home I did my homework and got a shower. When I was laying in bed that night trying to sleep I thought of something the way Samantha said goodbye the way she hugged me before I left it was familiar but I don't know how. As I was on the edge of unconsciousness it came to me.

Grandma was laying in a hospital bed in
What used to be the dinning room we had turned it into a make shift hospital room. Grandma was talking to my mom and then she told me to come closer. "It is almost my time to leave little one. I promise it will not be forever and that I will see you again someday. Remember what I told you. Always follow your heart no matter what. Only you knows what's best for you." "I know Grandma. I love you. I'll see you soon." She gave me a bone crushing hug with the strength that she had left. And was gone. That was the day she died.

I sat up in my bed. I jumped up and ran down the stairs screaming at the top of my lungs. My mom and dad were sitting at the kitchen table talking but stopped as soon as they heard me scream and run into the room. They asked me what's wrong. "Samantha" was all I could get out. I made my dad get in the car and drive me to inpatient. It didn't take much convincing the look on my face told them I was near hysterics.

When we made it to the inpatient center there was an ambulance outside. I jumped out of the car in my pjs and ran until I got to the ambulance they were just about to put Samantha into the back. She saw me and tried to talk but was too weak. I saw the bandages on her wrists she tried to kill herself. I was sobbing by now. I started to fall to my knees but my dad caught me. When the ambulance started to drive away I pulled from my dads arms chasing it. My dad caught me though. He had the security guard help him get me in the car. Once I was buckled in the guard slammed the door and my dad locked it. I couldn't get out. The guard nodded at my dad and he started driving home. I was in full blown hysteria now. I was kicking and screaming tears falling down my face. I must of looked like a psycho.

When we got home my brother had to help my dad get me in the house I kept trying to run to Samantha. I finally fell asleep in a puddle of my own tears with my brother mom and dad all restraining me to my bed.

The next morning I woke up and I heard the birds chirping outside and it was so peaceful. Then I remembered last night and all but ran from my room into the kitchen. My father was at work but my brother hadn't left for school yet. He got up from the table ready to grab me. I looked at my mom and she shook her head. I didn't try to run. There was no reason to run now. She was gone. Instead of running or crying everything went blurry and I let myself fall to the floor. I zoned out. And I didn't plan on zoning in anytime soon. I didn't have a reason to now. My one true friend was gone. My mother's words slowly blurred together until they were just a hum in the background.

The next thing I knew I refocused. It was dark out which meant I was out all day. I missed school. My dad was sitting on the couch watching me as I walked upstairs into my room then the bathroom. I turned on the shower and got it. I put the razor on my side and cut. Again and again. I must have done it fifty times before I heard my dad knock on the door. I said to leave me alone. He knocked harder now more frantic. The sound of my voice was a monotone. Even I could hear the flatness in it. I got out of the shower and put the dark purple towel on. I opened the door and walked slowly to my room. Once inside I went to shut the door but my mom walked in.

She said once word, "inspection" like I was an object. I knew I wouldn't pass. The bandage on my leg gave it away and on top of that the blood from my side was rolling down my leg. I put on shorts and a bra then bandaged my side and turned to my mom. She had grief all over her face. It hurt me to know that I put it there. But it was just added to all the other pain. She accidentally let a tear drop from her eyes but quickly wiped it away. I saw it though and I broke down crying. I went into hug her and she hugged me so hard it hurt.