If Only

Time

10 years later

It's been ten years and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I decided to name him Nathan after the original. I never got over the look that was on Nathan's face ten years ago when I told him about Amanda. I still wake up from nightmares of his face slowly relaxing and then going blank. He lost all of his resolve for life. He just sat there next to me and went numb. I can't ever forget that. Nathan ended up dieing in a car crash two months later. No one knows if he ran out in front of the car on purpose, but he saw the car coming, there was a witness and she said he took a deep breathe and then ran into the street. His mom and I have been close to each other. Keeping each other sane and breathing. Alex has been a major support line for me, and we have been doing really well lately.

Today was Nathan's 9th birthday party that we were setting up for. It was going to be a small event. Some family and friends, and Nathan's best friend Tyler. I had just finished hanging the streamers in the back yard when Alex can out with the cake and Bri (Nathan's mom the original Nathan) came out with the burgers that were ready for the grill. I smiled as Tyler and Nathan came bursting through the doors last. "Nathan can you please help me set the table with plates and silverware?" I asked him. He nodded his head with a sigh and started to put plates with seats. "Mom we are one plate and seat short." He yelled when he was done. I counted the seats and plates, then added the people in my head. "No buddy were ok we have enough", I tell him and turn away to help Bri at the grill when Nathan replies loudly, "Mom we forgot to set a place for Amanda. She is coming to my party. I know she is. I can feel that she's here with us momma!" I turned around to him and smiled with tears stinging my eyes. "You are absolutely right hunny, let me go get her plate." I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a plate and chair. A few tears silently slid down my cheeks. He talks about her all the time, even though they have never met he talks about her like he's known her his whole life. It makes my heart melt every time.

"Happy birthday dear Nathan, Happy birthday to you!" Everybody sang as Nathan blew out his birthday candles. I clapped afterwards and took the cake away to be cut. Alex hugged Nathan and gave him a high five. The party was almost over cake was the last thing on my schedule and people would slowly start to leave after. I gave everybody their piece and set a slice of cake at Amanda's seat. I didn't eat any cake myself, I was too caught up in the moment seeing my boys together and happy.

After the party I was gathering plates and I got to Amanda's seat. I picked her plate up. Then I set it back down and looked at it. There was a few bites missing from the edge where the most iceing is.  It was Amanda's favorite part of the cake. Maybe Nathan was right, Amanda never left she was just here in a different form.