If Only

Inpatient

It was a long ordeal. A lot of tears from my mom. A lot of yelling from my dad. In the end my mom was calling a hospital for inpatient and I was going fuzzy. I told them I had to pee. I went to the bathroom upstairs. After a second I came out and went into my bedroom and threw the window. It was dark. I ran down the street till I knew it was safe to walk. Again I walked endlessly. Out of focus. When I picked my head up I knew exactly where I was. I recognized the car in the driveway. I didn't know how I found it but it was Mr. Braces house. Some one was sitting on the porch. After a moment they looked up and saw me standing there. Mr.brace ran down the porch and to my side. "Why are you here? Are you okay" I shook my head no. He led me to the porch and sat me down on the porch swing. "What happened?" He asked. Before I knew it I was spilling everything. And I mean everything.

After I was finished I waited for his response. When I didn't get one I looked up. He was shocked into silence. Crap I shouldn't of done that. I said sorry and ran off the porch. I ran and ran and ran. I could hear him calling for me to wait but I couldn't.

I was about to turn around and go home when I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and fell. I didn't get back up. I passed out.

Grandma. She was there. I ran and gave her a hug. This was real it isn't a dream. I think. "Am I dreaming grandma are you really here?" "I'm really here little one. But you aren't ready to come with me just yet. I need you to listen to me. I need you to be strong now. For your mom and brother. And for me. Now open your eyes." I was so confused. Grandma slowly started to walk backwards. And I tried to follow her but I couldn't move. Then all of a sudden I couldn't see.

I could t see anything and I couldn't move.  But I could hear. I heard a beeping noise and voices. I picked out my mother's voice quickly. "Will she wake up soon doctor?" There was so much pain in my mother's voice. The doctor sounded hopeful. "She should wake up with in a few days. Her heart rate was slow when she hit the sidewalk that's what made her pass out. She shows signs of starvation. And since you say there is always food in the house and you didn't know about this I'd say she has a severe case of Anorexia. Along with the cuts she's inflicted on herself. Could have spawned from self hatred." My mother started to sob quietly. I didn't want to hear this. I slowly let the blackness take over me.

I heard my mom again. This time though it was different. I was more here. I could wiggle my toes. And I slowly gained control of the rest of my body. Soon after me opening my eyes the doctor took the thing out of my throat. I could finally breath on my own. My throat was raw. "Water" I barely Choke out.  My dad brought me a cup. Afterwards I could speak better. I looked at my mom and dad. Then around the room. My brother was sleeping in a chair on the other side. And surprisingly Mr.Brace was sitting next to him. When my mother saw  me look she said " Mr.Brace was the one to find you. If it wasn't for him you might not be here."  I nodded. The doctor came in and took some tests.

Then they brought me lunch. A sandwich and a water with applesauce. It reminded me of lunch with Mr. Brace. I half smiled at it. But didn't touch it. "I'm not hungry" was all I said. My mother shook her head and my father walked out of the room. She went to go get him. I looked to Mr. Brace and then to my sleeping brother. "How much did you tell them?" "Nothing. It's your job to tell them when your ready to." I nodded at him.

My aunt Ellen came to see me later in the day. It was a much welcomed visit. She told me that if I ate some of my dinner then maybe she would do something special for me. When I said no she almost cried. "Please. Do this for me. Eat some of your supper." I shook my head. "If you won't do it for me do it for your Grandma. She wouldn't want to see you like this. She loved you little one." At the sound of my old nickname I cracked. A single tear went down my cheek. Everyone in the room was staring. Nobody has called me that since she died. I picked up a fork and started to eat the pasta. First one bite then two. I ate the whole thing. Then I turned to my aunt. "For grandma".  She smiled to me "for grandma and for you little one"