If Only

Suicide

The week after I decided to visit Mr. Brace. I don't see him much these days because I'm not in his class anymore. But we are still really close friends. When I walked into his classroom he was helping a student so I quietly slid into my old seat at the front of the room and waited. The boy left after a few minutes and Mr. Brace looked up at me with a smile.
"Hello Amanda how have you been?" He asked in a polite tone. "I've been great. Thanks for asking.", we continued to talk for a few minutes. The bell rang and I had to go, " I hope to talk to you soon Mr. Brace bye!" He smiled and waved as I slipped out the door.

I walked down the hallway to my locker and grabbed my math book. I looked at my watch, I was already late to lunch so I decided not to go. I texted Nathan telling him I was going to the library to study math and he instantly replied that he'd be there. I walked through the deserted halls, towards the library. I stopped at the bathroom to fix my hair. I was finished putting my hair into a ponytail when Megan walked in. She had her group of friends with her. I gathered my things and tried to step around them but they wouldn't let me. "O look it's the freak. You think I'm just gonna let you leave? Nice try. I think I should teach you something about getting me in trouble." Megan said and her friends nodded along with devious smiles on their faces. One of them stepped forward, I think her name was Kylie or something, she looked me right in the eyes. And then I saw the ceiling and the floor as she punched me square in the nose and I fell from the blow. They all came on me at once. Each one kicking and punching.

I ended up passing out and waking up a few minutes later. I sat up and looked around the bathroom, they were all gone. I tried to stand up using the sink for support and the feeling in my body came back. My head was pounding and my ribs felt like they were gonna fall out. I slowly stood up and looked in the mirror. I had a developing black eye and bruises down my arms and neck. I pulled my shirt up and saw the bruises developing on my ribs. I put my shirt  back and looked down. There was blood on my thighs. They kicked open my cuts. I let a tear slide down my face. And before I knew it I was sobbing. Why couldn't I just be normal? Why do I have to live like this? If it wasn't for Nathan I would of died already.

I waited in the bathroom till I heard the bell ring for classes to begin again and then silently slipped out and into the halls. Nobody was there. I had gotten as far as the side door, so close to freedom, when a janitor came around the corner. "What happened to you? Let's get you to the nurse" he stated anxiously.
"Actually sir I was already there. Just an accident in gym class. I'm being picked up right now" . I point to a random car.  He nodded and went on his way. I saw him get his radio out and I quickly ran through the door. I didn't feel like walking the main road home. So I cut through the school trail and into the cemetery that lead right next to my house.

I was thankful my parents weren't home. I didn't want to have to explain to them the bruises  or the blood on my pants.  I looked at my phone after showering and bandaging everything. There was 6 missed calls from Nathan and over 20 messages. Uggg I would have to lie to him. I hated to lie to Nathan. I could barely keep my eyes open so I snuggled up in my bed and fell asleep.

I woke to a door slamming downstairs. My mom was home. I open my eyes and see the picture of Samantha, a tear runs down my cheek as I think of how close I am the joining her. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't be here anymore. I walk over to my makeup and conceal my black eye and put on a long sleeve shirt to hide my bruises which were a dark shade of blue. I went downstairs to the kitchen and told my mom I had a headache, which wasn't a lie. She kissed my forehead and handed me a bottle of Tylenol. I took the pills up to my room and googled how many I would have to take to overdose. It said at least 20. I opened the bottle and found at least 50 pills. It must be a brand new bottle.

I got a glass of water and sat down on my bed, looking at my pictures of my grandma and Samantha. I had tears running freely down my face. It was time. I had all my poems and journals around me from my secret compartment. I wanted my parents to know everything. I wrote a suicide note all about Megan and the girls beating me up. And about how much I loved them. I wrote a separate note for Nathan. I really would miss that boy. I love him like my own brother. I took one pill. It wasn't too late to go back. To put everything away and pretend this never happened. But it did happen. I took two more pills. Then ten. Then another ten. Then five. I am getting tired. I decide to take three more pills for safe measures. I lie down. And then I remember. Mr. Brace. His note. I walk over to my desk struggling to stand straight. And get his note from my shelf.  I slowly walk over to my bed but before I get there I collapse on the floor. That's the last thing I remember before it all goes black....