If Only

Grandma

I was getting the messages everyday all day. I read them all. Over and over. There was so much truth in them. I really was as ugly and fat as they said I was. I still didn't know who was sending them but I didn't care.  I was having panic attacks daily now and I was working out every extra second.

One night when the text messages got to much to handle I went on a walk. It was already past midnight and I had school in the morning but I didn't care because I was just as likely to fall asleep in my bed as I was walking down the street. I was walking with not specific place to go. I was just wandering aimlessly.

After a lot of time of being numb and looking at the ground I looked up and didn't really recognize where I was. It was familiar but I didn't know why. I walked another block and then I remembered.

I was in the backyard of my grandmothers house. Playing in the garden. She was sitting on the back porch watching and smiling. I pretended to be a teacher teaching students about plants. When I got bored with the garden I went into the main yard and started to play with my toys.  After my barbies got married I ran to my grandmother. She was humming slightly and reading a book. When she saw me approach her she smiled brightly at me.
" I don't think I want to be a teacher. The children are mean to me." I said.
" They might be mean but you must will yourself to ignore them because just because they say  something doesn't mean it's true. Always stick to what you know is true in your heart, little one"

I smiled remembering her old nickname for me. I haven't been called little one since she died many years ago. My some of best memories are with my grandma. I miss her so much. And suddenly the grief was like a storm cloud thick and heavy as it settled around me. I kept walking past her house and all the way to my aunt Ellen's house. She was most likely sleeping but she's the closest thing to my grandma. She smelled like her, talked like her, and acted like her. She knows my pain better than my own mom because when I lost a great grandma she lost an aunt that she was extremely close with.

Surprisingly her living room light was on. I was still deciding weather to bother her or not when I got to the front door. Tears were streaming down my face and I knew I looked a mess. I would get in trouble. She would tell mom. I walked away from her house. I walked over the bridge and passed my grandmothers house. I walked all the way to the school. By now it was six am. School started in an hour and a half. This day was just full of surprises. There was a car in the lot. And somebody getting out of it. I went to the other side of the street.

I wasn't planning on going to school that day. But to the woods beyond it. Sadly the person saw me and recognized me. Mar.Brace was soon at my side. Tears were still streaming down my face.  I've been walking for almost six hours. My legs were almost giving out. He stopped me by putting a hand on my shoulder. He kept asking me what's wrong if I was okay. I couldn't respond because of the lump in my throat. I broke down in his arms as an answer. He held me there till I was calmer. I told him about my night. About the walking and the memories. He helped me into his car and drove me the short distance to my house.

When I got out of the car he told me to go to sleep and meet him tomorrow after school. He didn't expect me to come to school today. I silently slipped in my window just as my mom walked in. I told her I didn't feel well and I must have looked bad because she let me stay home. After she went to work I went downstairs for water. But I didn't get any food. I  didn't want to eat. After that I went to sleep. I woke up at noon.  And decided my mom wouldn't be home for a few hours. So I got my aching muscles out of bed and ran to the gym. When I got home I showered and ate a granola bar.

I had a lot of stuff to catch up on from the day that I missed. When I went to see  Mr. Brace after school he suggested that I come back to the support group. I said I would think about it.

That following Tuesday though I ended up at support group. It went okay no one said anything about my absence. And I was grateful for it. Afterwards Mr. Brace gave me a friendly smile to show he was glad I came. I walked straight home though. I didn't go to the gym. Just the hour of contact with people made me tired. I had homework then bed to worry about.