If Only

Aftermath

(Amanda's mom)
Shailene pov: I took the test out of the bag and went into the bathroom I followed the instructions and waited ten minutes. I was worried  about the test results and Amanda. She didn't look to good, when she told me she had a headache earlier. I gave her some Tylenol. After ten minutes I looked at the test. I started to cry tears of joy. I went downstairs and wrapped it in tissue paper and put it on the table with my husbands name. Then I started to make dinner. An hour later I set dinner on the table and my husband Alex walked in. He saw the present and started to unwrap it. I stood next to him and watched his face register the positive pregnancy test. He smiled so wide I thought his face would break. He picked me up and swirled me around. "Let's go tell Amanda!" I squealed. We both ran upstairs to her room like children.

I knocked but didn't get a reply so I slowly opened the door and saw her laying on her rug with a paper in her hand. Her bed had what I assumed was homework scattered on it. I went over to her bed and read some of the notes. They were definitely not homework. I looked on her night stand. The Tylenol was there half empty. That was a full bottle I said!!! I ran to Amanda and checked her pulse. There was none. "Call 911 Amanda doesn't have a pulse Alex!!!!!!" My husband pulls out his iPhone and quickly called an ambulance.
3 hours later

The paramedics pronounced her dead on scene. I stood in the corner looking at my daughters dead body. Why didn't I see the signs return? I looked away as the paramedics covered her with a sheet. I walked over to her bed slowly, it was still covered in the papers. I now realized they were notes and journals. I picked up the note that said mom.

I want to tell you that you were the best mom I could of ever asked for. You tried to help me when I let you in. I know this isn't what you signed up for when you decided to have a child. But I also know that you loved me to no end and that means a lot to me. I am so sorry for putting you through everything that I did. And I'm sorry for putting you through this final thing. But mom I love you. I always have and I always will. I need you to do something. I need you to continue to live your life mom. You can be sad but at the end of the tunnel I want you to be happy without me. You need to stay strong for dad. And you need to stay strong for my little baby brother/sister. I saw the test box in the garbage, I know you will be happy with them. Make sure to tell them about their older sister who tried to stay but was being called home. I'm in a better place mom. I'm with grandma and Samantha. Don't worry, I'll see you one day again. You just got to hold on till then. I love you too the moon and back momma.
Love, Amanda

I couldn't hold back the sobs that escaped my lips. I refolded the letter and placed it against my chest. I walked over to Amanda body and pulled back the sheet. Her face was very pale, without the usually blush. She looked like she was sleeping. I bent down to her ear, "To the moon and back my darling" I whispered to her one last time. I felt Alex's hand on my shoulder as he helped me up. I collapsed into him, shaking with sobs to the point where my knees gave out. Alex guides me out of the room as the paramedics took Amanda's body away. He sat me on the couch and went to get me tea. As soon as he was out of eye sight, I slowly stood up and made sure my knees locked. I wobbled over to the wall for support and started to walk back to her room. I don't want no damn tea.

I went through every letter and there was one letter sitting in front of me. Nathan. I took Mr. Brace his letter and he started to tear up but he took the news better than expected. I think it was because I was there and he didn't want to upset me. Nathan still don't know that Amanda died four hours ago. I had to tell him. I picked up the letter labeled Nathan and grabbed my purse. It was a short walk to Nathan's house. His mother answered the door and looked very worried. I told her what happened and broke down crying. She pulled me inside and guided me to the couch. I saw Nathan enter the room and run to me. He was asking if I was alright. " Nathan, honey, no I'm not alright. I came here to tell you something." I pulled the letter out of my purse and handed it to him, " Amanda died a few hours ago from suicide. I'm so sorry Nathan."