If Only

Setting in

Now that Mr. Brace made the deal I can think about other things. Like the fact that Megan betrayed me. I've stopped talking to her and ignore her messages and calls. She's not my friend anymore. She's nothing to me. I'm friendless. An outcast.

I went to school with a small lunch just a sandwich and water. When I got to Mr.Braces classroom for lunch he was on the phone. He gestured for me to sit down. So I did I got out my lunch and started to eat. I took a huge gulp of water before my first bite. When Mr. Brace got off the phone I come back into focus. Sometimes I just let everything go out of focus and fuzzy. Let myself become numb. Once he was off the phone he asked how my day was going I said fine. Even though it was nothing near. Megan was becoming a problem.

I slowly ate and had small talk with him. I'm becoming more and more comfortable by the day with him. He was like an uncle or father to me. But this day I was only half way through my sandwich when I couldn't eat anymore. I ran for the trash can and barely made it before I threw up. He was at my side in a few seconds. I told him it was nothing.

He didn't believe me. My body was in such anxiety that I was becoming physically sick. I told him that. But nothing more about why. I told him my meds aren't working anymore. And that I'm getting them renewed. He nodded and sat back down. I didn't really want my sandwich anymore and he understood and let me not eat the rest. My anxiety was coming from Megan. She started messaging me about how I'm such a loser. How I should kill my self. It was too much to handle. A silent tear slid down my cheek. I asked to be excused before the sobs started.

I went to the rest of my teachers and got work before I all but ran out the front doors. I went home at the fastest speed I could. I just made it in my bedroom window before the sobs started. They filled my entire room. I dig into my backpack and got out my razor. I cut deep this time. So deep my leg didn't stop bleeding for hours afterward. I lay in my bed and slowly fall asleep.

"Grandma Grandma. Help the kids were being mean again at school." My grandma came all but running into the living room where I stood with tears falling down my cheeks. " o my sweet little one. It's okay. You just got to ignore them. If you ignore them they won't have any power and will soon realize that and stop bothering you." She picked me up and took me to her rocking chair and sang me my favorite lullaby. She knew how to calm me down. When my mom came home and saw us there she sighed already knowing what was coming. "Run and play in the garden little one I have to talk to your momma." I did as she said and went out to the garden. But I didn't play. I got bored after awhile and went inside. My momma and Grandma were talking in tiny voices and when I came in the room the stopped and smiled at me. "How would you like a new school little one?" Grandma asked me. I smiled right back nodding my head.

I woke to the front door slamming shut. My brother was home from school. I'm not supposed to be home yet so I climbed out my window with my back pack and waited. My leg hurt from the movement but it saved my butt because a few moments later he came into my room. Ugg he was doing his search of the month. He won't find anything.

When he left I slid back through my window and waited for his bedroom door to close. When it did I silently walked downstairs and opened and closed the front door so he'd know I was home. I ran back up to my room and closed the door. I heard light footsteps and then a knock on my door. "Come in" I said. My brother opened the door and stepped into my room. O no. Shit what did I leave behind. The razor covered in blood. And a moment later he pulled it out front behind his back. "Show me" was all he said. I silently got up and went to my closet and picked out my shortest shorts and said turn around. He did and I quickly changed pain in my leg every time I moved. When I was done he turned around.

I heard a gasp. That was it. That was just from the scars the worst was bandaged right now. I looked down. And currently bleeding through the bandage. Shit. I pushed past him. Into my book bag I grabbed another bandage and sat on the floor. I took the old bandage off. And my brother fell to the floor at my side. He lightly held my leg. His touch hurt no matter how light. I disinfected the cuts and put another bandage on. I was numb. I didn't even care if he told.

He got up and helped me up. I threw away the bandages and started downstairs. Mom would be home soon. When I got to the kitchen I got an granola bar and a water. Last thing I ate was the sandwich and I threw that up. A few minutes later I heard a car in the drive way. Time for the show.