If Only

The first cut

The next week was repetitive. I went to support group every time. But I kept feeling worse. I was either in pain or numb. The pain was better than the numbness but the numbness came more often.

One day I just couldn't take it anymore. I ran over to my book-bag and grabbed my pencil sharpener. I easily broke the blade out of it and went to the bathroom. I cut where no one would see. My upper leg. I didn't cut deep not wanting it to scar. But to make up for the shallow cuts I cut many. I had at least thirty cuts in my leg by the time I dropped the razor. I was silently sobbing as I watched the blood flow down my legs. I bandaged my leg and went back to my room. That was only the first time.

I do it a lot. I always have the razor with me even at school. I never know when I'll need it. I promised my aunt that I would help her reorganize her house that Friday and it was going to be hot so I would be wearing shorts so I had to stop cutting my leg until after then. Or the cuts would get low enough to show. I started to cut my sides. I cut on both sides of my fat stomach. Again I cut a plenty.

That Friday I went to my aunts house. In the beginning it went alright. We talked and I was actually enjoying myself for once. But then as I was dusting the top of the bookshelf my shirt pulled up more then it should of and she noticed. She asked about them. I didn't have an answer. I told her it was a one time thing. That I tried it and it hurt to much. She said she wouldn't tell anyone but if she found that I'd done it again she would.

I went home that night and had another panic attack. The next morning was Saturday. I got up ate some oatmeal and went to the gym. I had to put my phone on silent. Because the messages were turning off my music.

The next day I decided to hang out with a friend. I haven't seen Megan outside of school in awhile. We met up at the park. She was concerned about me but I told her I was fine. She wasn't very convinced. " Amanda you've lost so much weight in only a month. I'm worried you have a problem and need help" I knew she was right but I didn't care. I told her I would  not work out as much and eat more. She believed me I think. Of course I wasn't going to. The messages are proof enough that I'm too fat still.

When I got home I was sad for some reason. The conversation I had with Megan showed me that I wasn't working hard enough. If I was she would of thought I looked flawless. I went to the bathroom and took out my razor and cut the word "fat" into my leg. So that I'll never forget what I am.

When I went into my room my older brother was waiting on my desk chair. I asked him what he wanted and he just said to talk. "About what?" I ask him. He pulled out a gym bag and said you pick. I was so confused and it showed on my face. He pulled out all the stuff that I kept stashed in my desk. Including my appetite depressants, razors, and bandages. I told him the razor is for shaving the bandages are just bandages. And that I'm on a diet. He thinks I'm to thin. I took the pills and flushed my them. This made him happy. But he took the razor.

He said he wouldn't tell but he would be checking my room a few times a month. I agreed. I wouldn't be having anything in my room. I'm gonna hide it in my book-bag and locker at school.

That Monday I came to school 30 minutes early. I stashed everything in my locker. And threw my lunch away. I decided to organize my locker. And after that I still had 15 minutes left till school started. So I sat down on the floor and pulled out my algebra textbook. I didn't understand anything. I'm failing almost every class. But I'm failing math the worst.

I need to get good grades up or else they will kick me out of honors. When school starts I head to art class. This is a class that I enjoy a lot. Or more than a lot of my other classes. During lunch I decided to go to my science teachers room to ask for extra help. He gave it gladly. I left with a study guide for the test and two pages of notes. I went to math next. He gave me help too. I left my lunch period with a lot to study.

When I got to social studies I asked for extra help. He told me to meet him after school. I told him I had math tutoring. So I was gonna meet him after math tutoring. I got help from all my teachers through out the day. I left with enough homework and studying for five people. I went to math tutoring and learned that in the weeks that I've been zoning out we have went from algebra to geometry. Well damn.

After math class I pretty much ran to Mr. Braces room feeling bad for holding him up. When I walked in I was speechless.