Confessions of an Intern

Week Three

Subtitle this one: 'Touched by an Angel'

I can't believe another week has passed. Just Friday, I sat in a patient's room with my attending and listened as he described how he had confronted demons in the night before. I thought 'I need to write about this so I don't forget it', then realized my week was at an end again. So, now I will share it with you. Have you ever listened to a story and felt an overwhelming sense of 'presence'? I will try to describe my experience to you. As I listened to him describe little demons that were like little monkeys climbing the walls, he said that the devil was telling him bad things. Things he knew weren't right. He said he just gave it to the Lord and let Him take control. At that moment, chills ran up my spine and over my arms and I was wrapped in the Spirit. I have had this experience many times in the past, not often, but when I needed it. This elderly black man shared his past experience growing up in Mobile, Alabama, during the civil rights wars. He shared his distrust of white people. He was one of 19 children, and had been raised in a deeply religious home. He told of moving to the area, how although he had never had any formal education, his boss took him in as a young man and taught him everything he could about the business. He apologized to us when he said 'I didn't understand why he would treat me so kind. He was a white man and from where I come from, no white man would give me the time of day.' Here we sat, two white women doctors, and he began to open up and share his fears and his hardships. How he had finally as an older man realized God had always given him exactly what he needed, when he needed it.

I have been having a war of conscience lately. I am a Christian and have always trusted in God, however lately, I have forgotten to put Him at the head of my life. I am willful and jaded. At one time, I held an easy dialogue with Him...okay, I did not so much 'hear' answers from heaven, but I felt answers. I moved away from the town my home church was in and did not feel good about any I visited in the new town we live in now. That made it easier to stray from structured religion. Then I realized that it is not the structure I needed, but the feeling of sharing the Spirit with other believers. In medicine, we are so hyper aware of other cultures (as I have discussed previously) that we speak of religions and cultures as if they are lab values or vital signs. Just another fact we might share emotionlessly with an associate. The other morning, this kind gentleman's primary doctor called to talk to me about him, and I about lost it when she began the discussion about his nightmare/vision of demons with: "We as Christians believe in God and the devil, and pray..." I did chuckle a little and said, "You're talking to a Baptist girl. You don't have to tell me about God and the Devil." Nuff said. We were able to carry on a frank conversation about prayer and feelings and such like two ordinary people. The problem is, I feel like I could have that normal a conversation with anyone about their religion. I am not judge or jury. I know what I feel is right for me. There is only one way we will all know if our truth is right...by our experience in the afterlife. Maybe we are all right in a sense. So many of the major and minor religions have striking similarities regarding creation, morality and the end of the world. I wonder if the differences are not so much theological errors, but man-made errors. It would be very like man-kind to try to put his own spin on a truth.

I don't know. I am not that deep of a thinker. Don't ask me to give you quotes of scripture, etc. It is just a feeling I have. This is not so much about medicine this week as it is about the spirit. I truly believe that much of a human's ability to heal is wrapped in their spirit. There is a lot to be said about someone who has lost their will to live not being able to recover. While a strong positive attitude does not always lead to our idea of healing, it definitely can ease the pain of loved ones when someone passes from us who was a fighter till the end, then accepted their fate graciously.

I have a project of sorts. I'm on a one woman mission to teach people how to treat others, how not to prejudge others based on race, history or stereotype. It is working for me so far. Tell me what you think after you read this. Do you like hearing what it is like for me? I will surely have more medical type experiences to share at some point. This is definitely a transitional time for me.