The White Tulip (Symbolism Of My Feelings)

Prologue

Honey

Have you ever... no. I think almost all of you have been told off by your parents for being lazy, surfing the net too frequently and the most particular, not studying. Your parents who, too, haven't got As and Bs, are telling you to improve. Till now, it's kind of fine. But the problem here is that I don't f*cking understand most of the subjects and they expect you to learn something for future plans. Things don't go that easy. Even when the teachers assign students to teach me even the basic things, we, the students, end up flirting with each other (boys, they can't resist me) or me, hearing, but not listening to the student tutor who keeps on talking and talking and talking about sh*t that I didn't bother facing. I always say that I understood everything although when our sessions are done, I leave empty-handed. And I think you know what my grades are. Still Ds, Es and worst of all, Fs! No improvement, like I didn't even begin studying. The teacher and my parents were fed up with these situations. I know they were trying to help me in numerous ways but it's not their fault that they can't control me. Who would really want to be occupied with tons of homework, projects, presentations and other stupid stuff? And they say that it was general knowledge. I bet a million dollars (even if I don't have that much in myself) that not everything is needed in life. Yet, they persuade us to do so. I don't see any difference with work, either. They'll make you work even if you don't want to. However, in this case, it's the only way to survive and what's worse is that most of the people are having jobs that they're forced to have, not the one that they dreamt about. For example, there is a man that I know who has the desirable wish to become a pilot but, instead, he got a job as a shop-assistant. Very few people get what they want and life always makes things hard. You could say that life is a b*tch because it sometimes gets too far.

Hi. My name is Kim Honey. I'm seventeen years old - the barely legal age. I am from Busan but now I am leaving with my aunt in Seoul because... my parents and my sister passed away. Long story. Should I abridge it? If you want to know about my past, let's get started.

I used to be that popular girl who didn't know what shyness meant, who didn't know that the word ''loneliness'' existed. Well, not literally but I boost confidence as a daily routine in front of the mirror and was always surrounded by people. Of course, every ''average'' person has enemies aside from friends and admirers, me, for example. Girls around me were jealous; boys were dying for me. I had a bunch of friends. Well... maybe I have jumped to conclusions, as usual. They were using me to strengthen their own status though I didn't know about that ... now I realized it.

I am proud that I got a slim body and perfect facial features, I have to admit. I'm not a self-centered girl if that's what you think. I'm just stating what the majority of people and I think.

I used to be in the cheerleaders' team and I showed my best at encouraging the players from my school, despite the fact that I had bad grades. The subjects, with the exception of a few plus Sports, were a pain in the neck. And they are now. I'm still annoyed with the fact that I have to study.

And the last thing but not the least, I always found boyfriends to be with. I'm not a player but still, my relationships didn't last long because I didn't feel like wanting to be with them anymore? I cannot really explain these short-lived 'affairs'. We can always blame puberty, you know. Plus my commitments were not sincere, anyway, and I confess - I like the idea of dating someone, not the person himself. The boys I dated didn't have a problem with my unethical aims. Back then having a boyfriend/girlfriend was a big deal. A trend we thought we understood even though we interpreted it wrong. But the advantage of the boys was that they were all handsome. Name every type of guys you want. I can only say musicians, singers, artists, football players, basketball players, party animals, playboys... In my previous school there were lots of cool guys and every week new students transfer here and there (often boys; do not know the reason of these constant migrations). But... let's get back to the point about my family, shall we?

One day our basketball team was playing against the opponent team named Panthers. As a cheerleader, I was obliged to support them. My parents and Yuki - my sister - were bearing make-up of our school's symbol, holding flags and wearing gloves which were written with ''No 1'' logo; scarves were around their necks. They were part of the enormous audience, cheering for our team with the rest. I remember that I was with our new cheerleader's uniform which each of us made ourselves, a ribbon on my head and pompons in my hands. Our mascot was a tiger so imagine everyone, wearing everything with orange and black stripes. Our team eventually won. All girls including Min - my best friend - and I were extremely happy. Our school invited us to go to Duhwan (one of the basketball players)'s house to celebrate but I couldn't make it there because my family had told me we were going to visit grandma for a few days. I said to my ''friends'' goodbye and got in the car. As my dad was driving, Dad started talking:

''Honey,'' I shifted my gaze from the window and looked at him. He saw me peering at him with the help of the rear-view mirror. ''I have some news to tell you.''

''Yes, Dad?'' I was very motionless to what he was going to say. Which leads to the fact that there's no way I could predict something bad.

''Both your mom and I decided you go to a boarding - school out of Busan. I think it's time you changed your attitude towards your schoolwork and become a ladylike student.'' He announced with no emotion.

I was shocked. How come they suddenly think of this idea? I didn't want to leave Busan just because my grades were bad. I didn't want to go to a new place where everything will be unfamiliar and I hate to share a room with anyone! Just because I am not as smart as ''those nerds'', didn't mean that I'll become a teacher or a doctor even if the salary is good enough to survive. They couldn't just accept my dreams. I want to be a model or a fashion designer. There are many models who became famous because of such job. Designers are also not for underestimating. And besides, with too many subjects in school, we won't use all that knowledge for our entire life. I wasn't capable of comprehending their point of view. Why are they being so inconsiderate?

I began complaining. ''But Dad...''

''No buts until you get your grades better.'' Of course, he wouldn't give up easily.

''Dad, I don't see the point of studying harder!''

''Don't argue with your father. He has right to arrange your life until you reach legal age. End of discussion.'' Mom, as always, was encouraging Dad all the way.

''And you call yourself my mother! I thought you were on my side!'' I was filled with frustration and everyone could realize that.

''Honey, this is for your own good! Everyone should study so they can have some general knowledge. You'll never know what will happen in the future.'' With his voice raised, my father continued with his lectures.

''Dad! Big sis! Please stop it! Don't quarrel anymore! I'm begging you!'' My little sister tried to cool off the situation.

''Look, Honey, I don't want to make matters worse. I just want you to have good grades, that's all. Look at your little sister - Yuki, she studies till midnight. Why can't you be like her?'' Dad glanced at Yuki, then at me with the help of the mirror.

My younger sister bent down her head guiltily. It's not like I hate her - she had her unique features. However, I abhorred when my parents compared me to her. Will there be a moment when they finally see my good sides?

''TAEJOON! LOOK OUT!'' Mom outburst out all of a sudden.

...then something happened... something that I regretted for life...