à la folie (To Insanity)

Chapter 16- Raven

     I'm not sure how long we sit here, silent. I can't move, trapped in a bout of flashbacks. Vivid images fill my mind, I know how bad it can be in the Institutions. Elizabeth is gone, no leads available. She is gone, possibly dead by now. It has been a few days, I don't know how long Evan will keep her for. I can't stop the flood of images now, my worst fears gaining control once more. Jackson is the only one keeping me here, alive. My entire body is shaking, waking Jackson from his uneasy sleep. He pulls me tighter against his body, pressing my face to his chest. Something about this simple act helps me anchor myself, panic slowly subsiding. 

     "Raven, what's going on? 

     I start crying again, tears spilling down my face. He pulls me off of him, forcing me to look at him. I can't meet his eyes, guilt weighing heavily on me. 

     "I'm sorry Jackson. Its my fault she's gone."

     I start to say something again, finding myself cut off by Jackson. He presses his lips against mine, taking me by suprise.

     "That's not true Raven."

     He kisses me again, bringing me back to now. Being here with him helps clear my head. I pull him closer to me, wanting nothing other than him right now. He leans in again, lips brushing over mine. I kiss him harder, pent up emotion from the last month spilling out. His fingers tangle in my hair as his kisses become more intense. We're both breathing heavily, neither one of us wanting to break apart. I rest my forehead against his, trying to catch my breath. He smirks at me, making me laugh. Something about being here, so close to Jackson, makes my problems momentarily melt away.

     "Hey, how are you feeling? You look really pale Raven."

     The moment of peace is gone, blown away away in the chill of the midnight breeze. I pull back, realizing this could mean a number of things. He frowns, clearly worried. His hand feels warm against my forehead as he checks my temperature. I realize how warm it was curled against him, now the breeze chills my body. He pulls me closer to him again, whispering something about me being too cold. I suppose this is true, I'm shaking again, though not from fear.

     "Im fine."

     "Raven, you need to tell me what's going on with you."

     "I said that Im fine!"

     He pulls back, hurt or shocked. Maybe both. I dont move back to his side, leaving me cold. 

     "Please Raven, I... I can't lose you. Not again. I'm not strong enough to lose you. You are my everything right now. Forever."

     Now I sit in shock. He means it, and that is what scares me. I want to tell him everything, I need to, but I can't bring myself to say anything. 

     "I'm worried about you, and you won't let me in. Please, just talk to me."

     I stay here, quivering as I debate what to tell him. He pushes back and looks straight at me.

     "We can't keep doing this, you letting me in part way just to shut the door when I need you too."

     I look up at him, struggling to not break down again. The look of hurt in his eyes is enough to reduce me to tears again. I have seen that look before, a while ago. In the labs. Something must have changed in my face, because Jacksons expression softens. He's still hurt and upset, but must see how much I need him right now. 

     "Promise me you'll let me know what's going on Raven."

     "I cant."

     I turn away now, unable to watch the pain I've caused him. With every passing second I feel us drifting further apart. 

     "I distance myself from people for a reason Jackson. I can't handle it, knowing everything I do is going to hurt you. I gave you my everything, and it wasn't enough."

     "Stop shutting down Raven! You can't keep living like this." 

     "I'm not living, I'm surviving. Trying to make it through every day without shattering again. You treat me like I'm fragile, and I am, but it's because no one cares enough to fix anything. You don't care enough to fix me, or try at least. All you do is ignore the problems, my problems. You act like there's nothing wrong, like I'm not damaged. You ignore it that whenever I look at you, I see him. I...I don't want him to get to me again. When I wake up, you see it too. I know that. And I cant handle it, the look you give me. I don't need you to feel sorry for me, I need you to be there for me."

     I am shaking, afraid to meet his eye. Scared to see the extent of the damage I caused. Scared he will reject me now he knows how much worse I am doing. How much of a struggle it is to wake up next to him, my heart knowing I'm safe, but my head telling me no.

     "I will always love you Raven, always. Just please, tell me what you need me to do for you. I can't fix your problems, you know that, but I promise that you won't face this alone."

     It hurts. Everything hurts at this point. He stays here, by my side. I just want him to leave me, protect himself. I destroy everything, and I don't want him in the way when I release everything again. The pain I caused him here, now, it hurts me too. Knowing that he is sitting there, waiting for me to say something. To fall back to him. Like I always have, needing him for safety. To protect me from myself. Maybe that's why I need him so much, why it physically hurts to know what I just did. To be cold and alone, even though the one person I need is within reach. Too close for comfort right now. Close is dangerous, uncertain. I feel a deep ache, knowing things won't go back to what they had been before. Not always simple, but safe enough. I turn slightly, hearing a soft rustling sound behind me. Jackson stands slowly, and walks away. My useless apology dies on my frozen lips as I watch him leave. Raw pain tears through me now, now that I know I truly am not enough. Will never be enough for him. Not even worth trying to save. I curl up, trying not to cry again. Its too much for me right now. I start sobbing, burying my face in my coat trying to muffle the sounds of despair that are clawing their way out of my throat. Nothing I do will be good enough to fix this, if there's anything salvageable. I am glad he left when he did, I already look weak enough without adding senseless hysteria to the list. 

     I want to die. Right here, right now. I just want to feel important to someone, to be worth their time. Loving him, it kills me. Knowing all his pain is caused by me, the mistake of society. The one who should have died. I should be dead. This thought persists, burning away my tears. I reach into my pocket, pulling out Evans little gift. It glints in the silvery moonlight, it is beautiful in a deadly manner. I reach into my bag, drawing the unused pistol out. The weight is nothing unnatural to me, being the same model as Jacksons. I load my bullet, grimacing as it clicks into the chamber. My hands are still, unusually still in the face of death. I should be crying again, shaking, anything, but I am focused on the task at hand. The unfinished business that I am. I raise the gun to my head, fully intent on pulling the trigger to end everything. The metal is cold against my temple, brushing against the bruises that line my face. The line Jackson's lips trace gently when he kissed me, during my stage of half unconsciousness. I feel my resolve start to crumble, I'm too much of a coward to do anything like this. Anything that will destroy him. Rage surges through my body now, reminding me that I am protecting him. The only question is, why do I hesitate? I want this so bad, to end it all. No more pain, no more problems, no more me. That is all that I am at this point, bothersome. Useless. I raise the gun again, feeling a tremor of fear go through my body. I press it to my head, shuddering again as it touches my face. No reason to turn back now.

     "Im sorry."

      The words barely cross my lips in a whisper, though I'm not sure who they are for.  A gunshot rings out, shattering the frozen silence of the forest.