à la folie (To Insanity)

Chapter 17- Jackson

     Immediately, I regret my decision to leave. To walk away when she needs me the most. I hear her sobbing, suffering because I haven't done enough for her. The clear sound of a gunshot rings out, sending me into panic mode. I whirl around, the sound coming from behind me. 

      "Raven!"

     I sprint back the way I came, low hanging branches whipping against my face. Someone is lying on the ground, directly in front of me. I drop to my knees, hands shaking as I reach out to touch her. She screams, jumping up as soon as I lay my hand on her arm. I stumble backwards, seeing she has a gun clutched in her hand. Her eyes are wild, whatever she meant to do was serious. I slowly make the connection, realizing what she wanted to do. I shudder, thinking of how close she was. How small my window to help her is. 

     "Raven, calm down. Please. Put it down."

     "Go away Jackson. Just forget about me, leave. It's what I deserve."

   Her face is wet with tears, the last thing she says a whisper. Barely audible above the pounding of my heart. I move closer to her, slowly, not wanting her to use the gun. Her eyes are hollow, as if she doesn't really see me. She smiles suddenly, quickly turning on me. I flinch away from the gun, it being inches away from my face. The way she's looking at me, its not her I see. I slowly reach up, placing my hand on her face. Her skin is cold under my fingers. She hesitates, hand shaking.

     "Come back to me Raven. Please, I just need you. To know that you're still in there, somewhere."

     Im so damn scared right now. Scared that she is too far gone to hear me. To know that I failed her, that is what scares me the most.

     "Jax?"

     "Hey. Its okay, put it down. Please, just listen to me."

     Her eyes refocus, she is still here. She lowers the gun, tears spilling from her eyes again. I reach my arms out to her, not willing to make the same mistake twice in one night. Her eyes are dark where there was light before, uncertainty where I used to see only strong resolve. I want her so much that it hurts right now. Her body is curled against my side, breathing still uneven and shaky. The silence scares me, there are so many things left unsaid. I try to break it, not sure what to say. 

     "Are you okay?"

     Her voice is raw, coming suddenly and startling me again. 

     "Yeah. I'm fine. Just worried about you. What's going on?"

     She goes silent again, clearly not wanting to talk.

     "Raven, you nearly killed yourself. And you tried to shoot me. Clearly you're too stressed out right now. Please just talk to me. It's going to be okay, I promise."

     "I just want to lie here. With you."

     I pull her head to my chest, sighing as I feel her relax a little more. I want to kiss her again, to feel her body pressed against mine for something other than safety. She rolls over to face me again, placing her hand on my chest. Right over my racing heart. I hope she can't tell how scared I am right now. Being so close to her, trying to ignore what just happened. Knowing I won't. Won't ever forget the look in her eyes, the sadistic smile as she raised the gun to my head.

     "What're you two doing back here? And what did you shoot?"

     "We came over here to talk, and I didn't want to leave her alone after she fell asleep. We didn't shoot anything."

     Nicole looks at Raven, asking me how shes doing. Raven tenses up, I decide not to tell Nicole what had really just happened.

     "She's fine. Doing a lot better than earlier. I managed to talk her down."

     "Be careful Jackson, I don't want to see either one of you get hurt."

        She walks away, leaving us alone once more. Raven shivers again, pressing closer to me. My heart picks up, her hand still on my chest. A smile creeps across her face,showing me just how conflicted she is. She is in pain, trying to hide it behind a broken smile. Her eyes betray what she shows on the outside Exhaustion, fear, and a glimmer of happiness. 

     "Try to get some sleep sweetheart, I promise I'll be here when you wake up."

     "You too Jax. Rest."

      We fall asleep here, together under the stars. The last thing I see before I fall asleep is Raven, her sleeping face still somehow showing worry. She wakes a few times through the early morning, always checking to see that I'm still here. Each time I tighten my arms around her, a reminder that she is safe. I open my eyes when the golden rays of the sunrise hit the sky. Raven is already awake, sitting alone again. I sit up slowly, not wanting to disturb her. She turns anyways, eyes lighting up like normal when she sees me. 

     "Are you feeling much better?"

     "Im fine. Thank you."  

     "What for?"

     "For this sunrise, you saved me again. And I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking last night."

     I make a move to stand, but am pushed  down by Raven. She sits beside me, resting her forehead against mine. My face must betray my shock to her, as she smirks at me. I suddenly find myself under her, unable to breathe. She pushes me against the tree behind me, pressing her lips into mine. I tip my head back, deepening the kiss. This is what I want, to hold her and know that's all she wants in return. There's nowhere I'd rather be right now than tangled up with Raven. I'm glad she's back, that shes okay. I plant a line of soft kisses down her face, following the trail of bruises that line her cheekbones.

     She is pressing closer, her kisses becoming more hungry and intense. I hold my hands on her hips as she twists around to face me fully, wraping her slender legs around my waist. She plants herself in my lap, still pressing against me harder. Her hands are clutching the hem of my shirt, both of us have shead our coats already. I dont pull back, willing to let her take this as far as she wants. My heart is beating uncontrollably right now, so is Ravens. Her body is stuck between being relaxed against mine, and tensed to hold her position against me. I steady her, my hand slipping beneath her shirt as I place it against her hip. She flinches as my fingers brush against her bare skin, I curse under my breath and pull back.

     "Damn it, I'm sorry."

     She looks at me, a small amount of fear in her eyes. It's not the usual look of wild fear, typically prominant when I slip up and make contact like this. She is shaking again, barely, but enough for me to notice. I feel guilty, having ruined yet anither perfect moment with her. She suddenly grabs my hand, pressing it against her hip, just under her shirt. I sit there, shocked she isn't freaking out like so many countless other times I messed up.