à la folie (To Insanity)

Chapter 18- Raven

     I'm scared now, heart hammering in my chest. Breathing becomes increasingly difficult. I know he won't do anything to me, but the feeling of unease refuses to be ignored. Jackson pulls back again, lifting his hand from my side.

     "Hey, what's wrong?"

      "I'm fine."

     He still looks concerned, no doubt able to feel how fast my heart is racing. In the end, he makes me lie down again. I lay my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as I drift off into a state of half sleep. Jackson wakes me, the sun much higher in the sky than it was when I fell asleep.

     "Here, eat something."

     He presses a food pack into my hands, our fingertips brushing together momentarily. I open mine, not really in the mood to eat anything. In the end, I don't eat much. Jackson is clearly worried by this, he keeps pressing me to eat something more. He finally stops urging me to eat, settling instead on making me drink some water. I do accept the water, throat feeling raw from last night. I try not to let my mind dwell on this, what happened, what didn't. We need to talk about this at some point, I know that, but I'm not sure if either one of us is ready to yet. My mind can't process what exactly this means, I haven't tried this since before my testing. The thought has crossed my mind, no doubt about it, but it hasn't gotten to this point in at least a year.

     "What're you thinking about?"

     "What I am going to tell the others."

     It's not entirely a lie, they are bound to notice something is wrong. Jackson, however, isn't accepting this answer from me.

     "We need to talk about this Raven."

   I inhale sharply, not sure if I should tell him everything yet. About my past, everything he doesn't yet know about me. Explaining the scars on my wrists he has asked about before. Why I don't trust anyone. His brother, what Evan did. My life thus far. My issues. I need to explain everything. To explain me. 

     "You don't need to explain everything yet, I just need to know what happened last night."

     "I think you do need everything Jax. The question is, are you ready for it?"

     He doesn't respond for a moment, contemplating the consequences of learning everything. I am not ready to explain this to him, not even close, but he needs to know at some point.

     "Only as much as you are comfortable with telling me. Start with last night."

     "I haven't quite figured out last night yet, but it isn't the first time I have tried to kill myself. It probably won't be the last. The scars on my wrists, I was thirteen. My boyfriend had just been killed, beaten to death on the street. Protecting me. The knife your brother took from me is the one I used. My sister found me, barely breathing. She is the reason I survived."

     I'm tearing up, remembering all the pain from my childhood. He takes my hand in his, I can't tell whos hand he is steadying. We are both a little shaky right now. 

     "She turned to drugs soon after, and I was left on my own for most of the time until my Testing. Whenever she was home, it was miserable. I tried to kill myself three times after my first attempt, but I was always stopped by something. Jeanne tried to drown me when I was seven, right after our parents left. We never had the typical sibling relationship, but obviously it was so much more than I had thought of it at the time."

     He draws me closer, wincing slightly as he shifts his position on the ground. I let him hold me, too tired to care about finishing now. 

     "Its okay Raven. I've got you."

     I curl up against him, feeling his arms wrap around me again. 

     "Evan left me something. When he left."

    "What are you talking about Raven?"

     I say nothing more, pressing the single bullet from my pocket to his hand. He audibly inhales, trying to steady himself before doing anything else. It's too much, for both of us, because he doesn't do anything about it. He just sets it down on the ground next to us, not letting me go. We remain this way until he breaks the silence again.

     "Who was that last night?"

     "What?"

     " You only had one bullet loaded, someone else fired."

    "Took you long enough to ask the right questions."

     We both jump, trying to figure out who is sitting that close to us. 

     "While it has been nice to watch the two of you, I'm glad one of you is coming to their senses."

     "What the hell Elizabeth? You can't disappear and then come back like this!"

     I am still shocked into silence, especially when she walks into my line of sight. She has clearly been through hell, or as close as you can get. Her hair is matted and bloodsoaked, clothes torn and tattered. No doubt the work of Evan and his Hunters. She is covered in bruises and cuts, a prominent limp in her left leg. As my eyes travel the length of her body, I realize she was tortured for some sort of information. I make the first move towards her, suddenly remembering the reason Evan found us in the first place. She jerks her hand out of mine when I reach out to her.

     "I need to pull out the tracker."

    "Raven, let me check on her first. She may have worse injuries."

     "We need to get that thing as far away from here as possible. Besides, how did you find us in the first place?"

     "Back down Raven, let me handle this. Please."

     I reluctantly back off, not wanting to draw more attention to the situation. I run off to grab Nicole, leaving Jackson and his sister alone. She follows me back quickly, only needing to hear the words "Elizabeth" and "Back" to sprint off. I can't catch my breath, still far from recovery. I start to feel lightheaded, trying to walk back to Jackson before I pass out. Apparently it isn't that easy, I can't even walk in a straight line. Instead, I settle for sitting down rather than walking. About an hour later I wake up, Jackson is calling my name. He appears, bursting through the brush a few yards to my right. I push myself up painfully, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a groan of pain. Jackson drops down, cautiously reaching out to me.

     "What happened? Elizabeth told me to go find you, said something about your Gift and injuries."

     "I just sat down for a few minutes, I'll be fine. Hows Elizabeth?"

     He helps me up, neglecting to answer my question. Elizabeth is sitting in the same spot I last saw her in, though she looks a lot better. 

     "We need to give her something, I'm sure you have noticed signs already?"

     "Signs of what? What are you not telling us?"

     I remain silent, still a tad dazed. Jackson is also confused, obviously Elizabeth hasn't explained much to him either.

     "The gas, she seems to have gotten hit worse than most of the others. I managed to stave off the worst of the effects, but I was also able to get ahold of medication while I was gone."

     "There was an incident last night, completely out of character for her. I'm not sure about much else. Decreased appetite, mood swings, breathing issues, increased heart rate, stuff like that. Her injuries don't seem to be healing properly."

    I tell her about what just happened, going silent when I see the grim look in her eyes.

     "You obviously didnt do anything for her."

    She turns to Jackson now, something akin to rage printed across her face.

     "Why can you not handle one simple thing Jackson? I was gone for a few days and you have almost killed her already!"

     I almost laugh at the irony of her accusation. It is more than that. So much more.